Sex Swing Is Not My Thing

I like regular sex. Call me dull or whatever but increasing the chances of getting injured while getting my groove on is not something that I find enjoyable. So when I see things like the sex swing I get nervous. These things go from $39 all the way to over $300! Pretty sure this contraption isn't the kinda thing you'd wanna cheap out on. End up having your dick snapped in three because you wanted to save some cash. You do not just sit at home and wonder what its like to swing in the air while having sex. Plus, I hate being restrained. You would really have to trust someone to put you in this properly and believe that they wont leave you up there swinging like a dumbass while they clean out your place. I don't even know how you come up with the idea to try something like this but it had to have started on some poor innocent playground in the middle of the night.

Food Porn Bothers Me

Can you believe that Rachael Ray looked like this at one time? I actually bought that issue because of it I had such a crush on her. I doubt I could listen to her talk for more than ten minutes but she's nice to look at. You know what isn't? Food and porn. I got to thinking about this after a friend asked what was the weirdest porn I'd ever seen and I immediately thought of food porn. Now, when you look up the term “food porn” you get lots of images of fancy looking food or food that looks like assholes, penises, or vagina’s. What I mean by food porn is when people have sex and cover themselves with messy ass food.

Ever since I can remember I've had a problem watching the combination of food and porn. I can barely stomach watching someone make out while I eat anything. This is from someone that used to move dead bodies for a living. I'm sure there's some answer that if I dug far enough into my childhood that could explain it but I also know that there's some rabbit holes you just don't go down.

Foot Fetishes & Such

“Foot fetishism has been defined as a pronounced sexual interest in the feet or footwear. It is a mainly male interest. For a foot fetishist, points of attraction include the shape and size of the foot and toes (e.g., long toes, short toes, painted toes, high arches, etc.), jewelry (toe rings, ankle bracelets, etc.), treatments (such as pedicures), state of dress (barefoot, flip flops, etc.), odor, and any form of sensory interaction (e.g., licking, kissing, tickling, etc.).”

Wow. I wish I had easy fetishes like this. I have rubbed so many feet in my life and it would’ve been really convenient if it turned me on. It never did and that sucks for me. There weren’t really that many foot fetish films at the porn shop. I guess most folks just wanted to get right down to the dirty deed and didn’t have time to sniff and lick on people’s toes.

Don't Feed The Bears

There’s a big guy walking towards you. About 6 foot 4. Close to 300lbs. And he wants your sweet virgin ass! He’s what is known in the community (I’ve lived in West Hollywood for 14 years, damn it, I can say community!) as a Bear. I remember when I would see bear magazines when I slanged porn and wondered who would be attracted to such hairy men. Then I looked down at my smooth chest and shook my head in rage at the puberty that never occurred in my life. Seriously, my chest is as smooth as the palm of my hand. Its horrible. There were titles like Bear Magazine, 100% Beef Magazine, Bear, and Butch Bear. None of you will ever know the horror I suffered to find the pictures I do for this blog...

Wikipedia describes them as “Bears are heavy-set men and are often characterized as having hairy bodies and facial hair; some are also muscular; some attempt to project an image of rugged masculinity in their grooming and appearance, though none of these are requirements or unique indicators. Some bears place importance on presenting a hypermasculine image and may shun interaction with, and even disdain, men who exhibit effeminacy. The bear concept can function as an identity, an affiliation, and there is ongoing debate in bear communities about what constitutes a bear, however a consensus exists that inclusion is an important part of the bear community.”

Not My Little Pony!

We used to sell magazines featuring people who liked to dress up like animals and ride each other. Not even sexually. Like, some dude would have a chick in full body leather and then just sit on them or have a full carriage and have a bunch of them pulling them around. I mean, I get some fetishes. Even if I don’t I can somewhat understand why it could be hot. But this? Nope. If I had the ability to have more than one woman willing to do some strange shit for me the last thing I would do is dress her up or make her work. And the chicks that are usually into this sort of thing are not really the kinda dame I would get all hot and bothered over in the first place. Allow me to present Exhibit A.