West Hollywood Hates You

The city of West Hollywood fucked Irv's Burgers. There's no other way to really put it. This city fucks residents and businesses all the time but this one felt particularly messed up. I have lived in this city for almost 22 years now and first went to Irv's at its original location diagonal to City Hall. It was a good spot. If you didn't want to spend three times as much at Hamburger Mary's and didn't want to hoof it up to Sunset for a burger elsewhere this place was good. It improved after the new owners took over in 2000. Even if you were in a bad mood you couldn't help but cheer up a bit when you saw Sonia Hong or her mother there. Hell, even last year I would see her walking burgers down the street. Sonia would draw a little cartoon on the packages and write “Just for you!” on it.

Unleashed In WeHo

There have been a lot of missing pets in West Hollywood. Its not hard to understand why. Over the last year I have noticed that people have been unleashing their dogs way more and just letting them run around. Its stupid and this isn't the 80's when that shit was cool. They've even stopped picking up the dog shit and its mingling with all the homeless poop in this city. Every day I can look out my window and see a yappy ass little dog running around and then half a minute later see an owner holding the leash and talking on their phone. I see the same thing with kids too but this isn't about them. Its about small dogs vanishing. 

I saw one recently posted at a crosswalk that made me cock my head. It said the dog needed medication and also had on its no barking collar. Yeah. You took away the dogs second weapon and means of communicating and somehow let it wander away. I've worked in pet stores and back then, maybe there are new ones now, but the collars either shocked the dog when it barked or sprayed it with citrus. Hey. How about not having a dog? 

West Hollywood's Growing Homeless Population

Not sure if you've noticed it, but there has been a huge spike in homeless people in West Hollywood. On any given night or early morning you can find one or two hanging out sleeping in front of City Hall. This could be due to all the construction in the area. I spoke to a friend that lives near Miracle Mile and there are a lot of new buildings popping up and the homeless seem to be doubling. And these are not the quiet ones I am familiar with and give nicknames to like Ogg, Clarinet Hobo, The Model, and Red Riding Hood. These are some tweaked out psychos that scream at people or fight and the police arrive 45 minutes later to do a drive through Gold Coast's parking lot when the coast is clear.

How About That Robotic Parking Lot?

WeHo's terrible idea is opening in...I'm not quite sure. West Hollywood's official site says that the parking lot located on Santa Monica and Sweetzer is allegedly going to contain 200 parking lots. 

It was supposed to break ground in March of last year and open in August. As of the writing of this the place appears finished but is not available to, you know, the public. The funny thing about this useless lot is that there is a parking structure on Kings Road which is almost across the street has 165 parking spaces but no one really uses it. I've seen video of how the robotic lot that will open up hopefully before unnamed gods return to Earth and laughed. Ever since that area has been worked on other smaller streets have gotten more dangerous. People do 80 going down Harper and La Jolla. 

Overload on Reload

These “male enhancement” pills called Reload are in the news after Lamar Odom ended up in the hospital after doing a combination of coke, alcohol, god knows what else, and these pills (which I have written about before). They say that he took about ten of them in three days and now he is in a coma. I love out of all the things he took these pills are taking the brunt of the blame. They are being yanked off of shelves so if you still have them save them. They are about to be worth a lot of money.

“Reload enhancement pills stay in the body for 72 hours after one dose and are safe to take with alcohol. Other benefits of the supplement include stronger erections, delayed orgasm and a quick onset time of 30 minutes.”

The last time my dick stayed hard for that many days was in 2013. Otherwise its just wasteful. Well, Odom was at The Bunny Ranch when all this happened. They sell these kinda pills at almost every store and they are right at the front counter, so when you're at 7/11 you can get a Big Gulp and give your partner that big dick. Next thing you know your dick is like a toddler on speed.

Monster Parking Lot Almost Done?

The monster parking lot that I wrote about earlier this year is still not open. It was supposed to be opened two years ago but as you can see it isn't. Its close, but not open. What really sucks about this thing that no one will use is that since the traffic is so bad over there all the assholes that like to speed down these tiny ass streets have now chosen mine to fly down. I wish they would build parking for all these new giant apartments they are building that no one is moving into because once they do it is gonna be crazy over here.

How Much Do Porn Stars Make?

Have you ever wondered how much porn stars make? I use the term “star” loosely because you can just film yourself jerking it and load it online and consider yourself a member of the porn industry. Years ago I heard that male straight guys playing gay made the most and this made perfect sense to me. 

The numbers on this may be different now because the numbers range from 2012-2014. If a straight male porn star is slightly popular they can get between $200-600 and as little as $50-100. If you fuck on film and walk away with a check for $50 you really need to evaluate your life. I understand paying your dues but the ultimate due to me is fucking on film.

A female can get from $800-1,000 being with a guy or another girl. Her low end is more than the straight guy can get tops. If she decides that she needs to have another hole filled she'll get an cool extra $100. And the butt sex? $100-300 more per scene. I would love to hear the train of thought that goes into that process. “Hey, while you're here do you wanna make an extra hundred bucks? You do? Okay. Just take it in your ass. No, not $200. Just the one. Deal?”

Iceman Is Gay Now

Its rare that comic books make the news. It takes things like Superman dying or Batman having his back broken to get the news to admit that comics exist. Or making a character gay. This time its Bobby Drake aka Iceman. The way he was outed is silly but kinda makes sense in a comic world. Another mutant reads his mind and is like “Bobby, you're gay.” He denies it and then has to explain how its hard enough being a mutant let alone gay. Gay characters in comics is not a new thing. They do it every year but it tends to be characters that are C-level and below.

Like, a few years back they were like “Green Lantern is gay!” which made people rage as if they really cared about the Green Lantern. Then we all found out that it was a Lantern that no one knew or cared about. It was just a thing to get attention in the news. And it worked to get attention but in the wrong way because like I said, it was a Lantern no one knew. Being gay in comics does nothing to help gay causes unless I guess you just want to see gay characters in comics. I'm sure that makes some struggling teen feel good. Its not like you're gonna get to see them bone each other. They're just someone that is sexually attracted to the same sex.

Know Your Porn Stars: Misti Dawn

Misti Dawn is, or was, one of those porn stars that managed to combine hometown hot and brand new hot at the same time. I first saw her while watching Max Landis' short film Death And Return Of Superman. During one scene I saw her and asked “Who in the hell is this chick?!” Expecting some modeling photos or bikini shots I was shocked (and so pleased!) to find out that did porno films. Some of you may not know how much joy that brings me but there is nothing like seeing a random hot chick and finding out she bangs on film.

When she was 18 she started modeling for the Suicide Girls which are a pack of hot women covered in tattoos and piercings. Trust me. They're sexy. Years later she started shooting films with Burning Angel which is pretty hardcore and then Belladonna. If you have never seen a film from Belladonna and her company than you can't say you have seen hardcore porn. I need to write about her soon.

Millions Of Dollars

The other night WWE wrestler Darren Young, real name Fred Rosser, was left off the upcoming tour in the Middle East. There are two sides to this. One side is his where he feels that he is being left behind because he is a openly gay man. The other side is that being gay is not cool in the Middle East...openly. 

Young stated on his Twitter account “Why do we bring the best entertainment into a country like abu dhabi and they look down upon women and gays? I get it! #MillionsofDollars.” I get why he is upset and I also get why WWE left him off the tour. Though I believe that he should be allowed to do what he loves anywhere in the world I also understand that some parts of the world are not as accepting as others and that the lives of he and other performers run the risk of being attacked. It is a wrestling company where people pretend fight each other for the entertainment of millions. They aren't a country or political party.

When The Police Don't Care

The West Hollywood police have run out of shits to give. I've known this for a while but sometimes I kinda forget and am reminded when I am forced to deal with them. I try not to because I know that they don't care about what you do as long as you don't park where you shouldn't be or speed. Otherwise this city is a goddamn wild zone. You can cross wherever you please, whip out knives, rob people and get away with it.

Recently I called because a few days ago there was this guy in the parking lot screaming at the top of his lungs about nothing. Was he sick? Crazy? Disturbed? High? I don't care. He was a short Black guy with a three foot blond wig and a baseball cap and a lot of garbage. After about two hours of this the police rolled up. Three cars. He didn't stop acting crazy. Most times when the cops show up people tend to tone down their levels of lunacy. Not this guy. He had a fewer less fucks to give than the police of West Hollywood.

West Hollywood's Monster Parking Lot

"The City of West Hollywood has awarded a contract to T.B. Penick & Sons, to construct the 200-car City Hall Automated Parking Garage and Community Plaza Project which will be located at 8300 Santa Monica Boulevard (City Hall)." 

Oh, boy. This monster building has been in the works for a while now and when I passed it today it looks like it is far from being completed. According to WeHo's site about this new parking lot there are supposed to be 200 spaces available for parking. Let's assume that automatically about 30 of those will be for city hall vehicles. This was supposed to be finished in May of 2013. Ha! Oh, and when I say it is automated I don't mean with just robot arms that go up an down. Your car is physically moved somewhere else while inside. 

Laughing At Pornhub Comments

I was watching an interview with comedian Hannibal Buress on Howard Stern and laughed when they started talking about their favorite porn sites to watch. The mentioned the fact that people leave comments on these sites. Now, I try my best to stay out of the comment section on any sites but my own. Most times the comments go to racist, homophobic, or religious within 3 to 5 comments in.

I went to my bookmarks and decided to read some of the comments that people left. The shit is ridiculous. I will post what they said (without their names) and comment on them. I will not alter the way they wrote anything. Gotta say that because I don't want folks thinking that my grammar is this damned bad.

Let Her Crush You

I found some articles online about this tall ass woman 30 year old Ana Lucia Barbosa that goes by the name of Amazon Cinthia. I mean, holy shit that is a lot of woman. She stands at 6'8” and weighs 200 pounds. The 200 pound thing is the only thing I really question. A woman never really tells. I'm just bitter because she is 7 inches taller than me but weighs 25 pounds less. Whenever a woman is tall she is asked if she models, plays basketball, or is a lesbian. I'm just being honest. Its kinda like how people assume I have kids, smoke weed, or have been to prison.

Cinthia makes as much as $300 an hour crushing men. Yes, that is a thing in porn as well. There are plenty of videos where women just sit on men or just...parts of men. And they love it. She also wrestles with them which is also a thing. “There's no shortage of willing clients happy to pay me to sit on them, wrestle them, pick them up and generally boss them around. I'm finding this line of work has changed my life and I'm now able to provide for my family.”

Seems like $300 an hour to get beat up and bossed around is a lot. I can have that done for free just by hooking up with ex's. Growing up in Brazil (of course because that place is South America's Australia) she was made fun of because of her height. Kids got creative and called her a giraffe. She eventually quit school because of it. Kids are so...suck.

Porn Tales 14

There was this old man that used to come into the porn shop. Now, when I say old I don't mean old like when I have complained about customers in the past. I'm talking about in 2001 he looked like he was ready to drop dead at any moment and I was not being paid enough to move his body. I bring this guy up because I recently saw him a few days ago and damn near dropped my bag of just purchased chips. I mean...how?! How could this man still walk the Earth?

This isn't someone that just looked old. He was for real old. And jerking it every day. I think. He used to rent three movies every morning, return them the next morning, and take three more out. I often wondered if he actually had the ability to jerk off of if he just went home and slapped it around for a while, sighed, and put another tape in. Either way, it was depressing as hell. I know it should be inspirational that someone at the age of telephone is still feeling sexual but that is not how my brain works.

Wink Then Walk

People get hit by cars a lot in West Hollywood. It is a combination of really shitty drivers, pedestrains that make up their own rules, and folks on bicycles that weave in and out of traffic and the sidewalk as if they are the only ones there. Today at the bus stop I saw a poster for safety when crossing streets. “Wink then walk.” I have no problem with that. “Make eye contact with drivers before you cross the street.” Okay, still good. Its the last line that gets me. “What happens next is up to you.” Oh, come on now! Does everything in WeHo have to be about sex?! 

I remember in the porn shop seeing ads for every holiday and it being about sex. Thanksgiving? Buff guy with dick in turkey. 4th of July? Firecracker wrapped cock. Christmas? Guess what? Dick in a box! Does this city really need an ad with a shirtless guy crossing the street and unbuckling his belt? Seriously, West Hollywood. Get your shit together. 

Handle this homeless problem. Put up that goddamn Walgreen's. Make the traffic lights work in equal times because when people know the light they need only lasts 11 seconds compared to three minutes of the other they tend to speed and blow through lights. Oh, and hurry up and complete that ugly, gigantic parking lot at City Hall that I doubt citizens will be allowed to park in.  

Fire Down Below!

Porn star Missy Martinez who you may know from such classics as Titty Creampies 3, Lesbian Anal POV 5, and Big Anal Booties: POV+ was injured on set due to a faulty vibrator Sorry. Personal massager. When using her Hitachi Magic Wand the handle started to heat up and sparks shot out of the damned thing where the cord connects. Yes, this is not your mamas vibrator. This plugs in. She got some minor burns on her hand and almost burned the piercings of the chick she was doing the scene with. She says she has sent a letter to Hitachi letting them know their shit is dangerous. Every inch of those black bars were needed to cover her up. Don't think I am exaggerating. I have seen these massagers plenty of times since they sell them at most name brand stores. I laugh knowing that the last thing these will ever touch is a human back or sore neck. I've held one of these before and it made my dick put up a for sale sign.

Know Your Porn Stars: Skin Diamond

Every once in a while a porn star will emerge from the hundreds of people who make a living by having sex on screen and thrust into the public eye. They crossover. There are probably less than twenty that have done it successfully (if I say John Holmes chances are you know who I'm talking about). Skin Diamond is now one of those people. Born Raylin Christensen in 1987 (which makes me feel so pervy) her father is an actor that I haven't heard of. She is part Danish, Ethiopian, Czech, German, and Yugoslav. She was born in Ventura, California and raised in Dunfermline, Scotland.

Still A Big Deal

Why is it such a big deal when someone famous comes out of the closet? I ask that question already knowing the answer. I'm sure that for gays, lesbians, and all the other names that seem to come out every year for gay folks (kinda like Black, Negro, African American, Colored) it is awesome to have someone that is well known let the world know who they truly are. I can't imagine how hard it must be to have to keep your sexuality a secret from family, friends, and the public for fear of being rejected, attacked, or disowned. Its silly that its still even a thing that happens. Your child likes someone if their same sex? Wow! That's so...unheard of.

No, it isn't.

I think what bothers me most about the fact that its still a big deal is that your sexual preference is just that: a sexual preference. It doesn't make someone better or worse by being gay. Its just who they have sex with. That's all. When people talk about being gay being the downfall of society it makes my eyes cross. 

Digitally Removing Condoms

It is a sad state of affairs. We are at a point in time where a porn company has to sit around digitally adding condoms back into porn. Falcon Studios released California Dreamin' 1 and it is the first film to use technology in post production to make it seem as if they did not use condoms during the making of the movie. “Why would someone go through the trouble of doing this?” you ask. Because L.A made it where porn had to use condoms when filming in 2012. Ever since this happened permits to shoot porn dropped 95% and many companies just hauled ass to Las Vegas where they don't have to deal with that nonsense. Assume that L.A County has lost out in thousands if not millions of dollars because of this. Gay porn on the other hand has been requiring the use of condoms for quite a long time. They were already self policing. Straight porn is also required to regular testing unlike gay porn but that is fakakta at best since a few times every year someone slides their diseased dick into someone and next thing you know no one is shooting porn for a while. I wonder how good this technology looks but I'll be damned if I watch gay porn...again.