Porn Parodies

Harry Squatter & The Sorcer’s Bone, Gilligan’s Bi-Island, Everybody Does Raymond, Lord Of The Cockring, Dawson’s Crack, and my favorite…The Hole (based off The Ring). I think as soon as TV was invented people started thinking of ways to porn a show up. Some of them are clever like this one, The Sex Files. I mean, it couldn’t have been hard to think that one up. Even the chick looks like Scully! But as much as I liked that show I never wanted to see them have sex. Which is weird because now David Duchovny is known for nothing but sex on Californication.

All Tied Up

“BDSM is an erotic preference and a form of sexual expression involving the consensual use of restraint, intense sensory stimulation, and fantasy power role-play. The compound acronym BDSM is derived from the terms bondage and discipline (B&D or B/D), dominance and submission (D&S or D/s), and sadism and masochism (S&M or S/M). BDSM includes a wide spectrum of activities, forms of interpersonal relationships, and distinct subcultures.”

People like bondage. Not me. Reminds me of slavery. I wont even let someone get freaky and pull out some handcuffs. Which is funny because I own a pair but they are for my movies. Hmm. That sounds worse. I don’t trust anyone enough to handcuff me. I just assume that they will start tickling the hell out of me which is funny for a second but then I Hulk Out and get mad. But there are plenty of pornos and magazines that feature people being tied up in ways that don’t seem fun nor sexy. Lots of times it just seems painful as hell. If you hit me when I’m horny the last thing I’m gonna do is ask for more.

Gloryhole Or Gory Hole?

Its rare that something can be amazing and terrifying at the same time. When I see a gloryhole I imagine its what Moses felt like when he saw the Burning Bush. Probably said the same thing too. “That’s impossible! But I must get closer…” I mean, it’s a sex hole. That used to be my name when I was a stripper. You don’t know who is on the other side and they don’t know who you are. You just stick your business in and hopefully get it back when you’re done. I’m not brave enough to stick my junk into a mystery boning hole. Maybe I’m missing out.

Wikipedia describes it as “…a hole in a wall, or other partition, often between public lavatory stalls or adult video arcade booths for people to engage in sexual activity or observe the person in the next cubicle while one or both parties masturbate. The partition maintains anonymity. Body parts including fingers, tongue and penis may be used for anonymous oral, vaginal and/or anal intercourse.”

Porn vs. The Real World

This is the Donkey Punch. Ever heard of it? If you have then you’re a big old pervert and need to go to church. Wikipedia lists it as a “…sexual practice supposedly performed during anal or vaginal sex. The purported practice involves the penetrating partner punching the receiving partner in the back of the head or neck (what is known in boxing as a rabbit punch, after a technique to kill rabbits). The alleged goal is to cause the receiving partner's anal passage to tense up, thereby increasing the pleasure of the penetrating partner.”

This is one of many reasons why chicks and some dudes (that live on Mars or something) hate porn. They think guys watch this stuff and end up thinking that chicks are into the crazy shit they see in them. I never believed this but have heard it enough times to write about it. Hopefully this will soothe people’s nerves and stop anyone dumb enough to believe what they see in porn.

Stump

Before you read this know that this is about a very messed up porno. I have seen some honked up stuff, but this takes the cake. Stop reading now if you are eating.

One day a tape arrived. A tape unlike any other porno tape ever seen by human eyes. I didn’t think a tape like this would exist. I mean, I know people do some pretty jacked up stuff, but this tape right here? This tape right here?! This tape is wrong for far too many reasons. The name of the tape.

Stump.

Now what do you think this porno featured? It wasn’t about people banging in the forest. It also was not about people getting sexy while not being able to answer questions. It was about people being fucked by a stumped leg! The “If the cover is bad don’t look at the back” rule applies 100% to this movie.

When I first saw it listed on the invoice I thought it was a joke. Sadly, I had been exposed to so much wrong that the first thing I gathered was “Amputee porn?” Yes, I was that corrupted. It was also pretty expensive. Most gay porn went for an average of $49.95. So I pick up the box to make a rental of it and looked at the cover. I looked at my co-worker and shook my head.

Me: “This cant be.”


Him: “But it is!”


Me: “This is fucking terrible.”


Him: “Don’t turn it over.”


Me: “But I have to…”


Him: “You shouldn’t.”


Me: “I know. But I will.”


Him: “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”


Me: “Uh-huh.” (flips over cover and drops tape) “Why didn’t you tell me not to turn it over?!”


Him: “What?!”

You haven’t experienced fear and horror until you see a thigh in someone’s ass. This wasn’t someone sticking a cut off arm in an ass. It was a leg. A giant human leg! When people would bring it to the counter I would just sigh a little bit and ring it up. Some people wouldn’t even make eye contact with me. Some would proudly slap it on the counter like “Don’t judge me.” Oh, but judge I did. Its like finding out that your friend is a huge fan of Ke$ha. You can still talk to them but do you really want to?

Fist Anyone?

Fisting terrifies me. As much stuff as people are into sexually the idea of putting my fist (my large fist) into someone or someone putting their fist into me is 100% scary. Its one of those things where I think you have to be at a point in your life where you just don’t give a damn anymore. Its not something that can even happen by accident like anal sex. Yes, it can happen!

Wikipedia describes fisting as “Fisting (sometimes called handballing) is a sexual activity that involves inserting a hand into the vagina or rectum. Once insertion is complete, the fingers either naturally clench into a fist or remain straight. In more vigorous forms of fisting, such as "punching", a fully clenched fist may be inserted and withdrawn slowly. Fisting may be performed with or without a partner.”

Urbandictionary describes it as “…the act or art of putting a fist in an ass or vagina, very popular practice among more evolved (kinky) gays. Requires great care and huge amounts of lubrication.”

You have no idea how much spell checking went into correcting that last definition. I saw a fisting film once. I didn’t wanna. I walked into one. Seriously. Some customer brought a tape back and two chicks that were working at the counter were giggling and laughing at something. I like a good laugh as much as anyone. I walk up to the counter all happy until I see what’s on the screen. Some dude has his arm elbow deep in another man’s ass. Let me repeat that so it sinks in. Pun very much intended.

Elbow deep.

So of course I had to share this pain with a co-worker, the other straight guy that worked with me. I kinda warned him what was on the screen. Kinda.

Me: “Dude, something bad is happening at the counter.”


Him: “What?”


Me: “A jacked up porno.”


Him: “How so?”


Me: “Fisting.”

I probably should’ve told him that it was dudes. He rushes up there and I see his knees actually buckle like someone punched him in the jaw. He clutched the counter and looked at me with wide eyes and three shades lighter. “You fucker…” was all he could say to me before wobbling back to his room.

The messed up thing was that the guy getting rammed wasn’t even hard. And how can an arm be that far up and not have things, uh, moved where they shouldn’t be? How?!

Watersports

People pee on people. Not only do people pee on people but they enjoy it. Some even pay for it! Its called watersports and it scares me. I have asked friends how people get into this kinda stuff. Do you accidentally get pissed on and go “Hey, that’s not bad. Not bad at all…”

Wikipedia describes it was “Those who enjoy urolagnia may enjoy urinating on another person or persons, or being urinated upon. Some participants may drink the urine; this practice is known as urophagia, though uraphagia refers to the consumption of urine regardless of whether the context is sexual. Urolagnia enthusiasts may participate in urolagnia as part of a domination and submission scene, though not all sexual activity involving urine is so.”

Nope.

Urbandictionary describes it as “When subject A urinates in the face of subject B. Not only does it cause a watery, glissening face, but also may spark memories of nostalgia of one of the subjects' childhood memories of swimming in the pool, playing games with dear old decrepid Granny.”

Double nope!

Watersport films used to be illegal to buy or sell in California. Then one day all of a sudden it wasn’t and the porn shop was slammed with piss tapes with such creative titles as Piss Piss & More Piss, Golden Showered, Yellow Snow, Golden Rain, Young Twinks Beg For Piss. The titles became less creative over time.

These films were close to the definition of “If the cover is bad don’t turn it over and look at the back!” I had to learn this rule the hard way on multiple occasions. If a man is smiling on the cover as a stream of urine is coming towards his face its probably a good idea to just scan the video and stare at the ceiling.