Want A C-String?

I know that I am not the target demographic when  people are looking for things that are considered sexy. But I know what is weird. And this thing called the c-string is weird and not sexy. This isn’t your grannies g-string. Please. G-string? That is so 1995 of you. Its all about new letters of the alphabet being shoved in between your ass crack. I don’t know why this is even a real thing but it is and that’s why I have to let those of you that don’t know about it aware of its existence. Because I can just picture you at the club and taking someone home and all of a sudden you see this new space age thing hanging from their crotch. I’m doing a community service by writing this. This thing seems to attach to your crotch and ass at the same time through what I assume is magic.

Idol Thoughts

Back at the porn shop I’ve met celebrities before ranging from D-List actors to actually music royalty like Elton John. They came in buying everything from poppers, to videos that were terribly overpriced, to just regular magazines. One day while sitting at the counter minding my business when this thin blond haired dude came up to the counter and started talking to me. He wasn’t weird or pervy or anything. He was nice. So we’re just talking about nothing exciting and “Dancing With Myself” came on the radio and he chuckled. I was like “Okay…” and he bought some stuff with his credit card and I rang him up and he said “Cheers” and left. After he left I had a total Kaiser Soze moment and looked at his receipt. It said William Broad on it and I was like okay its not him because his name is…William? Oh. So yeah. I met Billy Idol while working at the porn shop and didn’t realize it until he was gone and felt like an idiot. I still do. Idol is awesome.

Strange Love

Coulrophobia is a fear of clowns. I have no fear of them. I just find them annoying. Some people like clowns. I mean they really like clowns. Working in the porn shop I was exposed to a lot of strange porn. One of the strangest is clown porn. I got this definition from Urban Dictionary so who knows how true it is. Seems legit to me. “During the 1980's in the San Francisco area, the practice of 'clowning' became popular. In clowning, sexual partners would don clown make-up and other clown accessories before and during various sex acts. This generally gratifies a playful and silly side of one's sexuality.”

Porn Tales 11

There is a door that always leads to the nastier stuff when you work in a porn shop. Some places have a curtain which is just gross. You know no one takes that thing down and washes it. Some places have double doors that have been touched by more hands than a Super Bowl champion. At the one I worked at there was a frosted door that was hanging on by a thread. From my first day there I knew that one day that damned thing would fall down and make a really loud sound. Well, one day it did fall and I missed the whole thing much like when the ceiling collapsed.

Oh, and it hit someone in their face.

There was this guy that got shitcanned for giving this same guy a ton of discounts on cigarettes and god knows what else (read that here). So the damned door collapsed and smacked him right across the eye and cracked his glasses and gave him a black eye that eventually turned purple and red. Shit looked terrible. The first thing I thought was “How is he gonna explain what happened to his friends and family?” I mean, if my friends saw me looking like I just had a 12 round bout with Mike Tyson they would have a ton of questions. This guy just showed up the next day and got some free rentals for his trouble.

Girls Gone Broke

Girls Gone Wild has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy with over $16 million is claims. The douche nozzle, Joe Francis, who started the series but no longer owns it, has a huge gambling problem and is being hit up for $10 million. In a statement the company said “re-structure its frivolous and burdensome legal affairs.“ Girls Gone Wild, or GGW for us cool kids, was one of the reasons I was excited to work at the porn shop. I didn’t have to order this shit like some pervert or watch the censored commercials at home at 3 in the morning. I don’t know if you’ve seen these but they are a huge let down to my penis. Its like watching what it is. Guys begging drunk girls to flash their tits for an hour. Seriously. That is all this series is.

Racist Gentitals

Years ago I started to suspect that my penis was a racist and after hours of research…okay. Fine. Minutes of research, I’ve realized that its true. I can not for whatever reason watch Asian men having sex. I don’t know if its because of the sounds they make or if its because they sound like characters from cartoons I like boning. But I just cant handle it. Literally. In a lot of Japanese porn the chicks sound like they’re getting murdered when they have sex and I’ve always wondered if that translates over to real life. I’ve never had sex with an Asian so I can neither confirm nor deny that this is a thing. Loud sex just makes me wait for the police to come arrest my ass. “Get off her, mandingo!”

Was Huell Howser Gay?

Years ago when I was working in the porn shop celebrities would come in a lot. There was another porn shop nearby that was very popular because it was prettier and shinier but had a bad reputation for secrecy. They would immediately sell your receipt to a magazine with all of your purchases which sucked. But the place I worked at was just a tad less shady and was good at keeping quiet. You could come in and buy poppers, glass pipes, and dildos with no fear of the public knowing. Well, I don’t work there anymore so I don’t mind mentioning some people, particularly this one since he passed away last month.

Huell Howser used to come into the porn shop and rent gay porn. Particularly Marine porn. Yes, that is a thing. If there is clown porn you should just assume that there is Marine porn. Now when I first met Huell I didn’t recognize him. He looked just like every other old, White guy wearing shades at 6am that I’d seen. It didn’t help that he never smiled.

Not once.

Sex Swing Is Not My Thing

I like regular sex. Call me dull or whatever but increasing the chances of getting injured while getting my groove on is not something that I find enjoyable. So when I see things like the sex swing I get nervous. These things go from $39 all the way to over $300! Pretty sure this contraption isn't the kinda thing you'd wanna cheap out on. End up having your dick snapped in three because you wanted to save some cash. You do not just sit at home and wonder what its like to swing in the air while having sex. Plus, I hate being restrained. You would really have to trust someone to put you in this properly and believe that they wont leave you up there swinging like a dumbass while they clean out your place. I don't even know how you come up with the idea to try something like this but it had to have started on some poor innocent playground in the middle of the night.

Can A Pornstar Be A Teacher?

Should a porn star be allowed to teach children? That is the question I've been asking myself ever since I heard about this story about a porn actress that goes by the name of Tiffany Six. Her actual name is Stacie Halas and I'm still not sure if she were doing both at the same time though I'm confident she is since she was stupid enough to mention in a porno that she was afraid of being found out at some point. Another reason why I hate interviews in pornos. Dumbass. She was a science teacher at Richard B. Haydock Intermediate School in Oxnard. School officials were made aware of her outside activities by some horndog ass students. Seriously. Why isn't anyone investigating whose kid is watching hardcore porn? And I mean hardcore. This woman does everything!

Jeff Chancer, superintendent of the Oxford school district and who seems to have a porn name (mine is Prince Manchester by the way) said “Maybe it's not a crime as far as the penal code is concerned, but we feel it's a crime as far as moral turpitude is concerned.” Oh, don't be so suburban. Three kids say they saw her in a film and fr whatever reason ratted her out. You let me find out that one of my teachers was a porn star and I would've milked that shit for all its worth. I would've never been home before sundown! Oh, so much statutory going on! I can think of two teachers offhand right now!

Food Porn Bothers Me

Can you believe that Rachael Ray looked like this at one time? I actually bought that issue because of it I had such a crush on her. I doubt I could listen to her talk for more than ten minutes but she's nice to look at. You know what isn't? Food and porn. I got to thinking about this after a friend asked what was the weirdest porn I'd ever seen and I immediately thought of food porn. Now, when you look up the term “food porn” you get lots of images of fancy looking food or food that looks like assholes, penises, or vagina’s. What I mean by food porn is when people have sex and cover themselves with messy ass food.

Ever since I can remember I've had a problem watching the combination of food and porn. I can barely stomach watching someone make out while I eat anything. This is from someone that used to move dead bodies for a living. I'm sure there's some answer that if I dug far enough into my childhood that could explain it but I also know that there's some rabbit holes you just don't go down.