Poppers

“Ooh! I love poppers!”

Oh, poor, silly Dante. When I first started working at the porn shop I was introduced to the world of poppers. In my world poppers were what you wrapped fragile things in before shipping them. To this day I play with the stuff and have a two foot roll always on hand in my apartment. The poppers my supervisor was telling me about caused joy, but not the kind I was thinking of.

Wikipedia describes poppers as being “originally marketed as a prescription drug in 1937, amyl nitrite remained so until 1960, when the Food and Drug Administration removed the prescription requirement due to its safety record. This requirement was reinstated in 1969, after observation of an increase in recreational use.”

Urbandictionary describes them as “Amyl Nitrate. Refers to a small, usually brown bottle of solvents or the solvents themselves, which are sniffed, usually during homosexual sex by the bottom. Amyl Nitrate boosts blood pressure, relaxing the anus and making anal sex more comfortable. Also known as snappers.”

Poppers come in these little bottles and can be sold here, but only under their actual name. Names such as Rush, Mr. Wonderful (not Paul Orndoff), Can Opener, Jungle Juice, Ram, Hardware, and Bolt. I’ve sold this crap to many celebrities, even some who have boasted of their sobriety to the world. If this blog ever gets popular I am so naming names!

This stuff smells like shit by the way. If robots got STD’s it would smell like this. You’re supposed to hold the bottle near your nose, feel loopy, and a few days later wonder why your cock is laying next to you crying and you’re shitting flapjacks. One night this French dame drank some thinking it was funny until she and her buddies saw I wasn’t  laughing.

French Man: “Haw haw haw!” (that’s French laughter by the way) “She drank ze whole thing!”

Me: “Uh, you’re not supposed to drink it.”

French Man: (silence)

Me: “Yeah, that’s poisonous.”

It has a skull and crossbones on it! Some people would stumble into the porn shop at 6am with scabs and scars on their nose and lips asking for more. I had to cut people off a few times. Long term use can cause brain damage and thinking sex with random ass people is perfectly fine. So don’t try it. Or whippets. But that’s for another blog.