Keep It On The Down Low

We all know or suspect someone of being on what is called the Down Low. I myself have been accused of being on the down low. I take it as flattering if someone believes that I can be in a relationship with a man and a woman at the same time. If only I had that much stamina! But seriously, most dudes look like monkeys to me. The guy in the picture is Jonathon Plummer, the inspiration for the book and movie How Stella Got Her Groove Back. And we all know how that ended. Oh, you don’t?

“McMillan married Jamaican Jonathan Plummer in 1998; she was in her mid 40s and he in his early 20s. He was the inspiration for the love interest of the main character in her novel How Stella Got Her Groove Back. Her life did not follow the movie when in December 2004, Plummer told McMillan that he was gay; in March 2005, she filed for divorce. The divorce was settled for an undisclosed amount. In March 2007, McMillan sued Plummer and his lawyer for $40 million, citing an intentional strategy to embarrass and humiliate her during the divorce proceedings; McMillan eventually won a judgement of intentional infliction of emotional distress, but had withdrawn the suit before the case went to trial; Plummer was never ordered to pay the intended amount.”

Ass Glass

Glass Dildos. That’s right, I said it. Those exist. Some of you are probably like “Yeah, and?” Well, these shouldn’t exist. They scare me. Not being, you know, attacked by one or anything. I don’t beef with anyone like that. But I remember when the porn shop first got these things and I knew they wouldn’t sell. I don’t care how pretty they look or how good the salesmen were that sold this crap I knew they would sit in the display collecting dust. Did you know you cant even buy dildos in the South? For reals.

Wikipedia describes these as “…glass dildos have similar features to steel ones. In most of the cases, glass toys are solid, and made of Pyrex or other types borosilicate glass although this may vary, depending on the manufacturer. Like steel, glass toys may be used to apply firmer pressure than silicone can to a female's G-spot or male's prostate gland. Unlike other types of toys, glass sex toys can also be personalized with inscriptions.”

Inscription? What the hell are you gonna put on it? “Mine!”? For those of you that know, the idea of glass in the booty is a terrible idea. I made a video watching me watching a guy with a jar that breaks in his ass (click all up in here to see me scream). The crazy thing about this is that you can heat or cool it. That’s right. I said heat or cool. Now, why in the blue hell would you want hot glass in your booty?!

Booty Juice

There are lots of ways to get wet. You can leave the house without an umbrella. Run through some sprinklers on a hot summer day. Or head to your local sex shop and buy some lube! There are lots of lubes for different things. Astro Glide, Wet, Eros, KY Jelly, and of course Boy Butter, which you see there. I swear when I first saw this at the porn shop I thought it was a joke. It even looks like butter which for some reason makes it seem even worse.

“I cant believe its not butter!”


“You will once you taste it!”

Trannyformers

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Stump

Before you read this know that this is about a very messed up porno. I have seen some honked up stuff, but this takes the cake. Stop reading now if you are eating.

One day a tape arrived. A tape unlike any other porno tape ever seen by human eyes. I didn’t think a tape like this would exist. I mean, I know people do some pretty jacked up stuff, but this tape right here? This tape right here?! This tape is wrong for far too many reasons. The name of the tape.

Stump.

Now what do you think this porno featured? It wasn’t about people banging in the forest. It also was not about people getting sexy while not being able to answer questions. It was about people being fucked by a stumped leg! The “If the cover is bad don’t look at the back” rule applies 100% to this movie.

When I first saw it listed on the invoice I thought it was a joke. Sadly, I had been exposed to so much wrong that the first thing I gathered was “Amputee porn?” Yes, I was that corrupted. It was also pretty expensive. Most gay porn went for an average of $49.95. So I pick up the box to make a rental of it and looked at the cover. I looked at my co-worker and shook my head.

Me: “This cant be.”


Him: “But it is!”


Me: “This is fucking terrible.”


Him: “Don’t turn it over.”


Me: “But I have to…”


Him: “You shouldn’t.”


Me: “I know. But I will.”


Him: “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”


Me: “Uh-huh.” (flips over cover and drops tape) “Why didn’t you tell me not to turn it over?!”


Him: “What?!”

You haven’t experienced fear and horror until you see a thigh in someone’s ass. This wasn’t someone sticking a cut off arm in an ass. It was a leg. A giant human leg! When people would bring it to the counter I would just sigh a little bit and ring it up. Some people wouldn’t even make eye contact with me. Some would proudly slap it on the counter like “Don’t judge me.” Oh, but judge I did. Its like finding out that your friend is a huge fan of Ke$ha. You can still talk to them but do you really want to?

Fist Anyone?

Fisting terrifies me. As much stuff as people are into sexually the idea of putting my fist (my large fist) into someone or someone putting their fist into me is 100% scary. Its one of those things where I think you have to be at a point in your life where you just don’t give a damn anymore. Its not something that can even happen by accident like anal sex. Yes, it can happen!

Wikipedia describes fisting as “Fisting (sometimes called handballing) is a sexual activity that involves inserting a hand into the vagina or rectum. Once insertion is complete, the fingers either naturally clench into a fist or remain straight. In more vigorous forms of fisting, such as "punching", a fully clenched fist may be inserted and withdrawn slowly. Fisting may be performed with or without a partner.”

Urbandictionary describes it as “…the act or art of putting a fist in an ass or vagina, very popular practice among more evolved (kinky) gays. Requires great care and huge amounts of lubrication.”

You have no idea how much spell checking went into correcting that last definition. I saw a fisting film once. I didn’t wanna. I walked into one. Seriously. Some customer brought a tape back and two chicks that were working at the counter were giggling and laughing at something. I like a good laugh as much as anyone. I walk up to the counter all happy until I see what’s on the screen. Some dude has his arm elbow deep in another man’s ass. Let me repeat that so it sinks in. Pun very much intended.

Elbow deep.

So of course I had to share this pain with a co-worker, the other straight guy that worked with me. I kinda warned him what was on the screen. Kinda.

Me: “Dude, something bad is happening at the counter.”


Him: “What?”


Me: “A jacked up porno.”


Him: “How so?”


Me: “Fisting.”

I probably should’ve told him that it was dudes. He rushes up there and I see his knees actually buckle like someone punched him in the jaw. He clutched the counter and looked at me with wide eyes and three shades lighter. “You fucker…” was all he could say to me before wobbling back to his room.

The messed up thing was that the guy getting rammed wasn’t even hard. And how can an arm be that far up and not have things, uh, moved where they shouldn’t be? How?!

Cockage Ringage!

Cock rings are scary. I never even knew these things existed before I worked at the porn shop. The one in the picture is an extreme form of one. It has a damned loop so a leash can be attached. Why? I guess so you can be lead around by your junk. Which is what I call “being in a relationship.” Hi-yo!

Wikipedia describes cock rings as “a cock ring, or cockring, is a ring that is placed around a man's penis, usually at the base, primarily to slow the flow of blood from the erect penile tissue, thus maintaining erection for a much longer period of time.”

Urbandictionary describes it as a “…tool used for males whose penises cannot stay hard long enough to get their girlfriend to have an orgasm.”

They have all kinds of these things! Some are super thick metal. If they get stuck I think you’d need the jaws of life to remove it. I have dropped one on the glass counter and was shocked it didn’t shatter. There are also some that are jelly. Jelly meaning they feel like Wacky Wall Walkers. Who wouldn’t want one of these on their dick?!

One time someone tried one on in front of me. Dead serious. Here is how it all went down. First, I have to describe what this guy looked like. About 5’3”. Furry ass beard. Middle Eastern accent. And smelling of ass and cloves. Got it? Good.

Him: “Can I see the cock ring?”


Me: “Uh-huh.”


Him: “Any smaller?”


Me: “Uh…sure…” (hands over cock ring the size of quarter)


Him: “Thank you.” (quickly whips out penis and slides on cock ring)


Me: “Um…no.”


Him: “Huh?”


Me: “You just bought that!”

He bought it and then I kicked him out the store. He had the nerve to act confused as to why he was getting kicked out. This mind you was after I had only been working there for a few weeks and it wasn’t even 7am yet!

Watersports

People pee on people. Not only do people pee on people but they enjoy it. Some even pay for it! Its called watersports and it scares me. I have asked friends how people get into this kinda stuff. Do you accidentally get pissed on and go “Hey, that’s not bad. Not bad at all…”

Wikipedia describes it was “Those who enjoy urolagnia may enjoy urinating on another person or persons, or being urinated upon. Some participants may drink the urine; this practice is known as urophagia, though uraphagia refers to the consumption of urine regardless of whether the context is sexual. Urolagnia enthusiasts may participate in urolagnia as part of a domination and submission scene, though not all sexual activity involving urine is so.”

Nope.

Urbandictionary describes it as “When subject A urinates in the face of subject B. Not only does it cause a watery, glissening face, but also may spark memories of nostalgia of one of the subjects' childhood memories of swimming in the pool, playing games with dear old decrepid Granny.”

Double nope!

Watersport films used to be illegal to buy or sell in California. Then one day all of a sudden it wasn’t and the porn shop was slammed with piss tapes with such creative titles as Piss Piss & More Piss, Golden Showered, Yellow Snow, Golden Rain, Young Twinks Beg For Piss. The titles became less creative over time.

These films were close to the definition of “If the cover is bad don’t turn it over and look at the back!” I had to learn this rule the hard way on multiple occasions. If a man is smiling on the cover as a stream of urine is coming towards his face its probably a good idea to just scan the video and stare at the ceiling.

Poppers

“Ooh! I love poppers!”

Oh, poor, silly Dante. When I first started working at the porn shop I was introduced to the world of poppers. In my world poppers were what you wrapped fragile things in before shipping them. To this day I play with the stuff and have a two foot roll always on hand in my apartment. The poppers my supervisor was telling me about caused joy, but not the kind I was thinking of.

Wikipedia describes poppers as being “originally marketed as a prescription drug in 1937, amyl nitrite remained so until 1960, when the Food and Drug Administration removed the prescription requirement due to its safety record. This requirement was reinstated in 1969, after observation of an increase in recreational use.”

Urbandictionary describes them as “Amyl Nitrate. Refers to a small, usually brown bottle of solvents or the solvents themselves, which are sniffed, usually during homosexual sex by the bottom. Amyl Nitrate boosts blood pressure, relaxing the anus and making anal sex more comfortable. Also known as snappers.”

Poppers come in these little bottles and can be sold here, but only under their actual name. Names such as Rush, Mr. Wonderful (not Paul Orndoff), Can Opener, Jungle Juice, Ram, Hardware, and Bolt. I’ve sold this crap to many celebrities, even some who have boasted of their sobriety to the world. If this blog ever gets popular I am so naming names!

This stuff smells like shit by the way. If robots got STD’s it would smell like this. You’re supposed to hold the bottle near your nose, feel loopy, and a few days later wonder why your cock is laying next to you crying and you’re shitting flapjacks. One night this French dame drank some thinking it was funny until she and her buddies saw I wasn’t  laughing.

French Man: “Haw haw haw!” (that’s French laughter by the way) “She drank ze whole thing!”

Me: “Uh, you’re not supposed to drink it.”

French Man: (silence)

Me: “Yeah, that’s poisonous.”

It has a skull and crossbones on it! Some people would stumble into the porn shop at 6am with scabs and scars on their nose and lips asking for more. I had to cut people off a few times. Long term use can cause brain damage and thinking sex with random ass people is perfectly fine. So don’t try it. Or whippets. But that’s for another blog.

Cruising Together...

In my very first blog for this new site I want to introduce people to the world of cruisers. Most people know cruisers as people who drive or an actual vehicle. I’ve spoken of the many magical ones in my area and below I have even added a photo as an example.

Urbandictionary.com lists a cruiser as “… a person who may take pride in going around public areas in search for having sexual intercourse with the same gender.” Oh, this barely touches the tip of the iceberg of the world of cruisers. I have been living in West Hollywood for about 14 years now (Jesus, that is sad…) and have watched some of these guys actually grow up from 18 year old fresh faced fellas to 30 year old battered and meth out freaks.

Some cruisers, usually the new ones, wander a bit too much. I spotted a new one just yesterday who was walking around the parking lot in front of the cars and grabbing his dick. A common rookie mistake. The vets know the score. Pick a spot and stand there with the merchandise on display ala Captain Cucumber (I will write about him sooner or later).

The worst kind of cruiser is the ones that travel in groups. Nothing is worse than a group of bored cruisers on a slow ass selling day. Expect lots of skateboarding, Frisbee, and much to my enjoyment, being run over while sitting on the curb! Yes, that happened and yes I have photos.

I have had the chance to look through a cruisers backpack while working at the porn shop. He left it overnight and we had to see if there was any identification. Yeah, that’s why. It had toothpaste, condoms (surprisingly), mouthwash, gum, small packets of lube, and socks. I was shocked at the lack of body spray or wet wipes.