Wednesday, July 6, 2011
One day a tape arrived. A tape unlike any other porno tape ever seen by human eyes. I didn’t think a tape like this would exist. I mean, I know people do some pretty jacked up stuff, but this tape right here? This tape right here?! This tape is wrong for far too many reasons. The name of the tape.
Now what do you think this porno featured? It wasn’t about people banging in the forest. It also was not about people getting sexy while not being able to answer questions. It was about people being fucked by a stumped leg! The “If the cover is bad don’t look at the back” rule applies 100% to this movie.
When I first saw it listed on the invoice I thought it was a joke. Sadly, I had been exposed to so much wrong that the first thing I gathered was “Amputee porn?” Yes, I was that corrupted. It was also pretty expensive. Most gay porn went for an average of $49.95. So I pick up the box to make a rental of it and looked at the cover. I looked at my co-worker and shook my head.
Me: “This cant be.”
Him: “But it is!”
Me: “This is fucking terrible.”
Him: “Don’t turn it over.”
Me: “But I have to…”
Him: “You shouldn’t.”
Me: “I know. But I will.”
Him: “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
Me: “Uh-huh.” (flips over cover and drops tape) “Why didn’t you tell me not to turn it over?!”
You haven’t experienced fear and horror until you see a thigh in someone’s ass. This wasn’t someone sticking a cut off arm in an ass. It was a leg. A giant human leg! When people would bring it to the counter I would just sigh a little bit and ring it up. Some people wouldn’t even make eye contact with me. Some would proudly slap it on the counter like “Don’t judge me.” Oh, but judge I did. Its like finding out that your friend is a huge fan of Ke$ha. You can still talk to them but do you really want to?