Josh Smith for giving me this idea. I have made a list of five things that you may or may not know about porn shops. Some of them are bad and some of them are…fucking terrifying. So the next time you head to grab some porn (which means you don’t have the internet and makes me wonder how you are reading this) think of these five things.
1. The Customers Are Scary
This seems like a given but whatever bad things you can think of people doing in public, its three times as bad. The customers will hit on you. They will try to talk to you. They will try to touch you. And you know the messed up part? You cant hit them without getting in trouble! But you can still say whatever the hell you want. But some of them like that so don’t get too fierce. “Punish me, master!” You know The Island Of Misfit Toys? Its like that. With people.
2. Your Co-Workers Are Scarier Than The Customers
At most jobs you can take comfort in the fact that no matter how shitty the job is, you can share your experiences with your fellow employees. Nope. I have worked with people who cried for no reason, multiple meth addicts, alcoholics, sexual deviants, homeless people, trannies, cross dressers, closeted homosexuals, people with anger issues, masturbators, and thieves. So many thieves. And then there’s the management. Imagine everything I just wrote but add more pay and more power.
3. You Will Clean Fluids
I have mopped up blood. I have watched bleach soak into fluids I could not identify and cause nothing to happen. I have seen bathroom floors so wet that I thought someone had just mopped. The mop was dry. The mop was dry! I once had to mop up blood and bile because the police fucked someone up the night before and the night shift didn’t want to clean it. Its not always semen you have to watch out for in porn.
4. Nothing Happens In The Back Room
People here about so much debauchery in the back room of porn shops. Nothing happens back there but work. There is more work there than at the front counter. Before I worked at a porn shop I was warned to stay out the back room. “All kinds of nasty shit happens back there!” Besides the poo water raining from the ceiling that one time, nothing nasty really happens. The bathrooms are a whole ‘nother story…
5. It Is Not Fun
Its not like Clerks. Its not like Office Space. Imagine working somewhere where a good day means you didn’t see someone whipping their cock out, no one chased anyone from the bar into your job waving a pool cue at someone, smoking pot while looking at magazines, sneaking into a dark corner and fucking, or asking if they can return the dildos. Where a new employee doesn’t start showing up with assless jeans because the manager feels bad for him. Try not to ever work at a porn shop.