Friday, July 29, 2011

Ass Glass

Glass Dildos. That’s right, I said it. Those exist. Some of you are probably like “Yeah, and?” Well, these shouldn’t exist. They scare me. Not being, you know, attacked by one or anything. I don’t beef with anyone like that. But I remember when the porn shop first got these things and I knew they wouldn’t sell. I don’t care how pretty they look or how good the salesmen were that sold this crap I knew they would sit in the display collecting dust. Did you know you cant even buy dildos in the South? For reals.

Wikipedia describes these as “…glass dildos have similar features to steel ones. In most of the cases, glass toys are solid, and made of Pyrex or other types borosilicate glass although this may vary, depending on the manufacturer. Like steel, glass toys may be used to apply firmer pressure than silicone can to a female's G-spot or male's prostate gland. Unlike other types of toys, glass sex toys can also be personalized with inscriptions.

Inscription? What the hell are you gonna put on it? “Mine!”? For those of you that know, the idea of glass in the booty is a terrible idea. I made a video watching me watching a guy with a jar that breaks in his ass (click all up in here to see me scream). The crazy thing about this is that you can heat or cool it. That’s right. I said heat or cool. Now, why in the blue hell would you want hot glass in your booty?!

I mean, I know people are into some kinky shit. I get it. But hot glass? Really? Really? That’s what you want to do to one of the most sensitive areas of your body? Eyes and asshole. Those are the things we need to value most. So yeah. We got these at the porn shop and they came in all kinds of magical colors. They had stripes. Some had veins painted on them. And they were available at the low low price of $79.95!!!

That’s not a typo.

So customers would come in and see these and laugh. Or they would look at them and weigh the pros and cons of buying a glass stick to put up their keister. Here is a list of random questions I would get and how I would respond. Mind you, we got these and received no training on how to pawn these off on people.

Customer: “How do these work?”

Me: “Seriously?”

Customer: “Why are these so expensive?”

Me: (shrugs)

Customer: “Are there any discounts?”

Me: “Not yet.”

Customer: “Do you have any black ones?”

Me: (blank stare)

Customer: “Can these be returned?”

Me: “I hope not!”

Eventually the price of these were brought down to $19.95 and still they sat in the display case.

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