Porn Tales 7

There was this nasty ass old man that used to come into the porn shop. He had been coming for years and ended up getting the name Overring from the employees. An over ring was a button pressed on the cash register that would cancel a sell when someone changed their mind on an item or in the case of Overring, when someone didn’t have enough cash.

Overring, for those of you that need a visual, looked like an overweight runaway slave. Yeah, I know that doesn’t make any sense. He always had this look on his face like any second a slave master was going to show up and whip his ass or something. When I tried to describe his scent on The Adam Carolla Show the only way I could do it was by saying “He smelled like a combination of a stuffy, hot kitchen where they cooked nothing but greasy food and armpit.” Seriously, he smelled really bad.

Now for his look and clothing style. He was about 6’2” and 270lbs. He always wore brown khakis with one pant leg rolled up. His shoes looked like a half open can of biscuits. And he was ashy! My god, the ash! His hands. His arms. His exposed leg. I mean, damn! The man was ashy. His button up shirt was struggling to stay closed. And he had a puffy white afro until one day he let Ray Charles shave his head. And his face?

If Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima had a baby, this guy would be the product of that delicious union. When I talked about people that touched themselves in the store this guys image popped into my head. He would hide behind the shelves (which at the time were in a zigzag pattern) and squeeze his junk. Customers would walk up to the counter all mad about it too.

Customer: “Uh, excuse me?”


Me: “Huh?”


Customer: “Uh, yeah, there’s someone over there…”


Me: “Uh-huh.”


Customer: “…and he’s touching himself.”

Sure enough I’d check the camera and see this nasty son of a bitch grabbing his junk and looking at people in between the racks. Once we changed the shelves to regular ass straight shelves he walked back there and you could see his ashy heart break.

Me: (walks over and catches him) "Stop that!"


Overring: "Uh...oh."

Guess I should explain an example of his name. So Overring would walk to the counter with his stack of Handjob magazines and a couple videos. We would foolishly ring him up and tell him the total.

Me: “Its $245.95.”


Overring: “Uh…”


Me: “Yeah.”


Overring: “I ain’t got that.”

Now this is what the messed up part was. He would come in and be able to buy hundreds of dollars worth of porn and then the next day (sometimes later that day) wouldn’t be able to afford $15 worth of stuff. It was so inconsistent. He is the reason I was able to add up a lot of items in my head including tax.