Thursday, February 28, 2013

Girls Gone Broke

Girls Gone Wild has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy with over $16 million is claims. The douche nozzle, Joe Francis, who started the series but no longer owns it, has a huge gambling problem and is being hit up for $10 million. In a statement the company said “re-structure its frivolous and burdensome legal affairs.“ Girls Gone Wild, or GGW for us cool kids, was one of the reasons I was excited to work at the porn shop. I didn’t have to order this shit like some pervert or watch the censored commercials at home at 3 in the morning. I don’t know if you’ve seen these but they are a huge let down to my penis. Its like watching what it is. Guys begging drunk girls to flash their tits for an hour. Seriously. That is all this series is.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Racist Gentitals

Years ago I started to suspect that my penis was a racist and after hours of research…okay. Fine. Minutes of research, I’ve realized that its true. I can not for whatever reason watch Asian men having sex. I don’t know if its because of the sounds they make or if its because they sound like characters from cartoons I like boning. But I just cant handle it. Literally. In a lot of Japanese porn the chicks sound like they’re getting murdered when they have sex and I’ve always wondered if that translates over to real life. I’ve never had sex with an Asian so I can neither confirm nor deny that this is a thing. Loud sex just makes me wait for the police to come arrest my ass. “Get off her, mandingo!”

Monday, February 18, 2013

Was Huell Howser Gay?

Years ago when I was working in the porn shop celebrities would come in a lot. There was another porn shop nearby that was very popular because it was prettier and shinier but had a bad reputation for secrecy. They would immediately sell your receipt to a magazine with all of your purchases which sucked. But the place I worked at was just a tad less shady and was good at keeping quiet. You could come in and buy poppers, glass pipes, and dildos with no fear of the public knowing. Well, I don’t work there anymore so I don’t mind mentioning some people, particularly this one since he passed away last month.

Huell Howser used to come into the porn shop and rent gay porn. Particularly Marine porn. Yes, that is a thing. If there is clown porn you should just assume that there is Marine porn. Now when I first met Huell I didn’t recognize him. He looked just like every other old, White guy wearing shades at 6am that I’d seen. It didn’t help that he never smiled.

Not once.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Sex Swing Is Not My Thing

I like regular sex. Call me dull or whatever but increasing the chances of getting injured while getting my groove on is not something that I find enjoyable. So when I see things like the sex swing I get nervous. These things go from $39 all the way to over $300! Pretty sure this contraption isn't the kinda thing you'd wanna cheap out on. End up having your dick snapped in three because you wanted to save some cash. You do not just sit at home and wonder what its like to swing in the air while having sex. Plus, I hate being restrained. You would really have to trust someone to put you in this properly and believe that they wont leave you up there swinging like a dumbass while they clean out your place. I don't even know how you come up with the idea to try something like this but it had to have started on some poor innocent playground in the middle of the night.