Porn Tales 13

Back at the porn shop there was this old Latino guy that worked there and stuck out like a sore thumb. This horrible woman that worked there knew him and when he came in I thought he was lost. There was nothing pervy about him and he could barely speak English. I thought I was either being pranked or that the manager just didn’t give a fuck anymore and was hiring anyone that walked through the door. Which has happened. We did have customers end up being the counter.

I can’t help train the guy because he can only understand a few things I say so the training was left to the horrible woman. Now, this woman did not have what one would call a good work ethic. So by the time this guy is done being “trained” he can rent you a movie or do anything that requires you handing him money and saying bye. He ended up working the late shift (5pm to 2am) which was the devil’s shift. You’d get everyone from the gay bar coming in drunk, fighting, and yelling at people to get them to leave the store when it was closing time.

Idol Thoughts

Back at the porn shop I’ve met celebrities before ranging from D-List actors to actually music royalty like Elton John. They came in buying everything from poppers, to videos that were terribly overpriced, to just regular magazines. One day while sitting at the counter minding my business when this thin blond haired dude came up to the counter and started talking to me. He wasn’t weird or pervy or anything. He was nice. So we’re just talking about nothing exciting and “Dancing With Myself” came on the radio and he chuckled. I was like “Okay…” and he bought some stuff with his credit card and I rang him up and he said “Cheers” and left. After he left I had a total Kaiser Soze moment and looked at his receipt. It said William Broad on it and I was like okay its not him because his name is…William? Oh. So yeah. I met Billy Idol while working at the porn shop and didn’t realize it until he was gone and felt like an idiot. I still do. Idol is awesome.

Girls Gone Broke

Girls Gone Wild has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy with over $16 million is claims. The douche nozzle, Joe Francis, who started the series but no longer owns it, has a huge gambling problem and is being hit up for $10 million. In a statement the company said “re-structure its frivolous and burdensome legal affairs.“ Girls Gone Wild, or GGW for us cool kids, was one of the reasons I was excited to work at the porn shop. I didn’t have to order this shit like some pervert or watch the censored commercials at home at 3 in the morning. I don’t know if you’ve seen these but they are a huge let down to my penis. Its like watching what it is. Guys begging drunk girls to flash their tits for an hour. Seriously. That is all this series is.

Was Huell Howser Gay?

Years ago when I was working in the porn shop celebrities would come in a lot. There was another porn shop nearby that was very popular because it was prettier and shinier but had a bad reputation for secrecy. They would immediately sell your receipt to a magazine with all of your purchases which sucked. But the place I worked at was just a tad less shady and was good at keeping quiet. You could come in and buy poppers, glass pipes, and dildos with no fear of the public knowing. Well, I don’t work there anymore so I don’t mind mentioning some people, particularly this one since he passed away last month.

Huell Howser used to come into the porn shop and rent gay porn. Particularly Marine porn. Yes, that is a thing. If there is clown porn you should just assume that there is Marine porn. Now when I first met Huell I didn’t recognize him. He looked just like every other old, White guy wearing shades at 6am that I’d seen. It didn’t help that he never smiled.

Not once.

Wrap It Up

Did you know that there’s a condom made by Louis Vuitton that cost $68. That is not a typo. Who in their goddamn mind would pay that much money for a condom? You can only use it once. Unless you’re a cheapskate. Which I totally would be if I paid that much for some boning action. Its cheaper to just pay someone to bang than it is to buy this thing. I would rinse that sumbitch out and use it again. Call me gross but whatever. That’s a lot for a condom. If someone whips this bad boy out they are either showing off or an asshole. Maybe a bit of both. I like condoms. When dudes say “I cant feel anything when I wear one” I cant believe they get away with it. Sex feels too good. Every. Single. Time. It doesn’t ever not feel good. Thank god for condoms.

Porn Tales 10

While talking to The Munkey I was reminded of a time when the porn shop was surrounded by cops. Let me explain how this started. I was at the counter sitting on my ass and wondering what I was doing with my life when the owner shows up and starts dicking around with the security switch. I watched him with the same amount of interest as a dog watching its owner pick up its poop. So he leaves and a minute or so later the phone rings and I answer it with as much gusto as one can at 8am with the smell of poppers behind me.

Porn Shop Etiquette

As many of you know by now, I worked in a porn shop for years. Closer to a decade than not. I felt like compiling a list of things that you should not do when entering a porn shop since from my first day to my last I experienced these situations with customers and it never failed to bother me. Share this with your friends as well because one can never know enough about how to behave in a porn shop. At least that’s what I would tell myself. And by the way, this goes for entering any establishment where you may have your mind blown. Hopefully just your mind…

Pump, Pump, Pump It Up!!!

There was a huge assortment of penis pumps at the porn shop. I had heard of them before I started working there but had never seen one in person. They look pretty damn simple. A cylinder, a pump, and the will and courage to stick your junk into something that looks like it takes your blood pressure. I’d imagine a belief in a forgiving god as well since you couldn’t pay me to try one of these things out. Fuck that. I have too much to live for.

Wikipedia describes it as “…penis pump is a cylinder that is fitted over the penis, with a manual or motorized pump to create suction. As the apparatus creates a partial vacuum around the penis, blood is drawn into the penis, helping it to become engorged. As vacuum increases, the difference between the inner blood pressure and the pump pressure increases as well; excessive pressure causes vascular damage rather than a harder penis.”

The Gypsies

I typed in “gypsy” in Google and this is one of the first images to show up. Oddly enough this actually looks just like one of the people in the family of gypsies that have occupied my, ahem, fair city ever since I start living here. When I first started working in the porn shop I was told by a manager to “watch them.” It didn’t take long for me to figure out why.

They had a whole routine that they would do. Let me set the scene for you. Mom would come in (full head wrap and everything) and head for the snacks. Yes there were snacks in the porn shop. She would linger at the snacks while her son and daughter would scramble like fighter jets and head to the magazines. And like there was a silent whistle they would depart at the same time. Couldn’t prove anything yet but you knew the store was looted.

Ten Years Ago Today

This is from a blog I wrote last year today. Its strange when you can know exactly what you were up to a decade ago on one particular day since I sometimes have trouble remembering what I was doing last Wednesday at this time. September 11th 2001 was a very bizarre and tragic day and this is a tale of what I was doing that day. I have added a few extra details just for readers of this blog.

On September 11th 2001 the World Trade Center was destroyed. Every time there is some kind of disaster everyone always asks each other, “Where were you when…?” There aren’t that many thankfully to ask during my lifetime. I wasn’t alive when Kennedy or MLK were killed. I ask or get asked “Where were you when the Northridge quake happened?” “Where were you when the L.A Riots happened?”

These kind of questions always have some cool kinda response. During the Northridge quake I was sleeping because it was MLK day and that shit happened early in the morning. During the L.A Riots my mother wouldn’t let us go out and loot meaning me and my brother were the only kids to not have new smoked scented clothes when school was back in session. For the 9/11 attacks I was where many people were not.

Porn Tales 9

There was this blue eyed Black dude I worked with. His eyes were not actually blue. He did it so his face would “pop.” Oh, and pop he did. This guy was a frigging weirdo of the highest order. He was one of those people that whatever you did he also did but did it with famous people watching who wanted nothing more than to make him famous.

I started calling him “Walker: Texas Stranger.” Well, because his name was Walker (turned out that was not true), he was from Texas (he said…), and he was strange. He showed up with his little sunglasses and blue eyes with a flattop and just thought he was the bees knees. Amongst his many talents one was baton twirling.

Meet The Model

I know on a few other blogs that I have brought the name The Model up but never explained exactly who the hell it or what it was. The Model is not only a person, The Model was an experience. And as we all know, not every experience is good.

I personally did not get to name The Model. He was given this name by the time I started working at the porn shop. To me he was just this weird guy who would walk in and laugh like a gay pirate and ask for matches. "Can I have some matchessssssss..?" Seriously, he would drag his S's for that long. And I would hand him matches. That is until shit started bursting into flames. I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me back up a little and explain the origin of one of the most infamous characters fro the porn shop.

Working With The Vampire

I worked with a vampire once. No, he wasn’t a real vampire. He was just this weird ass guy that they decided to hire at the porn shop one day. He was a cool enough guy. Just…weird. Now if I can call you weird in all seriousness then something is weird about you. When I had to train him I had my reservations. He was short, balding, had teeth that looked like L.A after The Riots of ‘92, and smelled like black liquorices.

Our first conversation during training didn’t help soothe my nerves in terms of his strangeness.

Thievery Abound!

That’s Simon Adebidi. No, he didn’t work at the porn shop. He’s a character from the show on HBO “Oz.” Damn I loved that show. You know why? Because it made me want to stay out of jail more than usual. Specifically because of people like Adebisi. Anyone known by just their last name in jail is bad. He raped dudes while listening to a Walkman.

And his hat never fell off.

Speaking of jail, because that’s what I planned on talking about before I got distracted by the thought of being ass raped by a large African man who fed people crushed glass, there were some folks that worked at the porn shop that stole like all get out. Yes, I use terms like “all get out.” Men, women, kinda one of each. Thieves. Here’s a few tales of some.

"When You're...Strange"

Lots of freaks came into the porn shop. No, I’m not talking about people that like peeing videos and fisting. No, I mean like for real’s legit shoot freaks. People that had deformities and stuff that were physically obvious and scary sometimes. Sometimes it was just someone that was bizarre as hell and didn’t know it for whatever reason.

There was Pretzel Man. This old dude that was sometimes called The Riddler because his spine was shaped like a question mark. He would stand in the porno magazines section for hours. That’s not a typo. Hours. This wasn’t something that was extraordinary. What was special about this guy was that his hearing aid didn’t work. It was let loose with this high pitched “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!” the entire time he was in the store. It was annoying but worth it to watch customers try and figure out where the sound was coming from.

Scabitha (like Tabitha but…scabby) would come in a couple times a week. He never started trouble with me but one of my co-workers and Scabitha would get into it every time they saw each other. Scabitha was this scrawny White dude that was…covered in scabs. He would come in and ask for matches or Advil. Yeah, we sold Advil. I would say no to him and that was it. But not my co-worker. This shit was magical.

Crazy White Guy

We tried to be creative when we made up names for some of the crazy ass people that came into the porn shop. Sometimes it was just easy (The Model, Red Riding Hood, The Gypsies). And sometimes someone was so messed up that the only name that fit was the most obvious one. Enter: Crazy White Guy.

I’m not sure if it was natural home grown crazy that affected this guy or if it was a combination of the wrong drugs. I’m thinking a little from column A. and a little from column B. This guy would hang out at Out Of The Closet and climb on their roof before the cops were called. If they were not he’d go to sleep. Then he run around the parking lot screaming and yelling at people before wandering into the porn shop and just acting bizarre. He wouldn’t yell in the store because I wouldn’t stand for that shit. But he’d eyeball people until they left.

One day a co-worker was walking past the counter and his eyes got wide and he bent down and picked up a small baggie. You know, like the kind people store weed in. The last person to be near that spot was Crazy White Guy. My co-worker got all excited.

Gas Or Ass?

“Ha ha. Very funny.”

Ah, these could’ve easily been my last words. Not very dramatic nor awe inspiring. I would prefer “Hey, look at this!” or “I did it…for Johnny…” One day, it was a Halloween years ago, I was off. I was laying in bed half awake half asleep because I used to do that back in the day. All of a sudden a bullhorn outside startles the hell out of me.

“Tenants in the building on My Street! Evacuate immediately! There is a gas leak!”

I said “Ha ha. Very funny” thinking it was a Halloween joke. So I threw the covers back over my head and cursed whoever the hell it was playing a joke when I wanted to stay in bed and watch The Price Is Right. How dare they ruin my day with their shenanigans?! A couple minutes later they repeat the announcement. I got pissed so I stepped into my hallway and took a sniff. Guess what I smelled?

Porn Tales 8

I had a manager at the porn shop that I couldn’t stand. Let’s call him Rick. Now Rick was a worry wart. You know, one of those people that act frantic in every situation and every little thing that happens is the biggest emergency to ever happen in the store. I hate frantic but even more than that I hate frantic with no action. If you’re gonna act like that then at least move! (sigh) Okay.

This dude was always ashy. Like always. I swear I heard him wash his hands in the bathroom and come out with them dryer than a turtles knuckles. Ash bothers me especially when it can be seen from a distance. Let me give you a few examples of this guy just to give you a taste of why I hated working with this guy so much I volunteered to do a split shift of like 9am to 1pm and coming back in the evening to work 8pm to midnight.

In the 7 years I worked at the porn shop I missed only three days of work. That’s gotta be some kinda record. One day my foot was so swollen that I couldn’t put my shoe on. I called a few hours before my shift to let him know that I couldn’t come in.

Ass Glass

Glass Dildos. That’s right, I said it. Those exist. Some of you are probably like “Yeah, and?” Well, these shouldn’t exist. They scare me. Not being, you know, attacked by one or anything. I don’t beef with anyone like that. But I remember when the porn shop first got these things and I knew they wouldn’t sell. I don’t care how pretty they look or how good the salesmen were that sold this crap I knew they would sit in the display collecting dust. Did you know you cant even buy dildos in the South? For reals.

Wikipedia describes these as “…glass dildos have similar features to steel ones. In most of the cases, glass toys are solid, and made of Pyrex or other types borosilicate glass although this may vary, depending on the manufacturer. Like steel, glass toys may be used to apply firmer pressure than silicone can to a female's G-spot or male's prostate gland. Unlike other types of toys, glass sex toys can also be personalized with inscriptions.”

Inscription? What the hell are you gonna put on it? “Mine!”? For those of you that know, the idea of glass in the booty is a terrible idea. I made a video watching me watching a guy with a jar that breaks in his ass (click all up in here to see me scream). The crazy thing about this is that you can heat or cool it. That’s right. I said heat or cool. Now, why in the blue hell would you want hot glass in your booty?!

Porn Tales 7

There was this nasty ass old man that used to come into the porn shop. He had been coming for years and ended up getting the name Overring from the employees. An over ring was a button pressed on the cash register that would cancel a sell when someone changed their mind on an item or in the case of Overring, when someone didn’t have enough cash.

Overring, for those of you that need a visual, looked like an overweight runaway slave. Yeah, I know that doesn’t make any sense. He always had this look on his face like any second a slave master was going to show up and whip his ass or something. When I tried to describe his scent on The Adam Carolla Show the only way I could do it was by saying “He smelled like a combination of a stuffy, hot kitchen where they cooked nothing but greasy food and armpit.” Seriously, he smelled really bad.