Saturday, November 3, 2012

No On Prop B!

The thing about porn is that is that a lot of the sex that happens is surprise sex. Someone delivers food and the sex happens. You’re walking down the street and a van pulls up and someone inside asks if you wanna the have sex. Police come to arrest you and the sex happens. You know what doesn’t happen? Safe sex. Why? Well, besides the fact that safe sex is for squares its also because porn films aren’t real and they can just fuck with no consequences. We know that there are but still get treated like special needs children.

Yeah, we know that some bad shit can happen when you don’t use condoms, kids being at the absolute top of that list. There’s also booty cooties but whatever. When you fuck a bunch of people, especially on film, you know the risks. They’re all adults. Prop (Measure) B makes it so that all adult films force the actors to wear protection including condoms, gloves, and in some cases dental dams.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Superman Viagra

People who try new things sexually tend to end up in situations that are far too embarrassing. If your mate ever says to you “Let’s try something new!” chances are a hospital visit is going to occur in your future. A couple months back some poor guy in Laguna Beach ended up with a cockring stuck on his junk, in public, and the police were eventually involved. It really doesn’t help that this guy decided to try a lot of wrong things at the same time. I wish they would release his name because I’d love to hear why he made this series of decisions that landed him in the news.

A couple spotted a man sitting in his car and thought that he might be dead because this was when it was balls hot in California and he was in his car with the windows all rolled up. The cops showed up and discovered he wasn’t dead but he was butt ass naked. They asked him to get out and he said he couldn’t because he had an ice pack on his junk. Why?

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Porn Slanger 3

People like to think that when it comes to porn that nothing is off limits. Thankfully that’s not true because there is some stuff that people are into that just should not be cool. Films that involve pee aka “watersports” is one and the next are called scat films. No, I don’t mean a movie where someone sits on stage bee-bopping. Its poop. Good old fashioned poop. Mixed with sex. No. These two things should never go together unless something really bad has happened.

Along with fisting films scat films were something that people would ask for at the counter when I was slanging porn. It was yet another thing that I discovered was a real thing during my seven years there. Before then I thought that it was just a joke that people made about Germany. When I think of Germany I think beer, World War 2, and poop films. Customers would ask for one of these films and I’d tell them that not only did we not sell them but they were illegal. Piss films were as well at one point along with fisting but the rules changed.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Complaints About Black Adult Films

Oh, Black porn. Why do you hate me so? I’ve mentioned before that my first exposure to real, uncensored porn was Black porn. And it blew my mind. Over the years I’ve watched more porn than you’ve spent time with your family. And I’ve noticed some things in Black porn that bothers the crap out of me! There is like a running gag list of things that these pornos, called “Ebony”, do the same thing in almost every one of them that I am just so damned tired of seeing. I did a scientific survey which for me means clicking on ten random Black porno clips and seeing what the results would be.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Damn You Boy Scouts

Quick! When you think of the Boy Scouts of America, what are the first things you think of? Me, I think of badges, gay stuff, and molestation. I’m sure that there have been thousands of people that have made it through being a Scout where neither of the last two things happened but the only time this group appears in the news its because some bad stuff is going on. This time its because a kid named Ryan Andresen is being denied his Eagle status because he’s gay even though he‘s totally legible for it. He’s been a Scout since he was 6 years old and is about to be 18 years old.

The Scouts discovered that he was gay when he stood up for another member of his troop that was being bullied when he wrote a letter. His particular troop is sponsored by a local church and if there’s one thing the church doesn’t like its gay stuff. There is absolutely nothing gay that happens in regards to church. None whatsoever. “This scout proactively notified his unit leadership and Eagle Scout counselor that he does not agree to scouting’s principle of ‘duty to God’ and does not meet scouting’s membership standard on sexual orientation” a statement said.

Are we still saying that God hates the gays? Look. Just let the kid get his badge. He’s gay. So what?! All you people running around hating gay people need to just cut this nonsense out. Stop using God as your moral barometer and just admit that you’re a hateful asshat. You can be gay and still be religious which is hard for me to wrap my head around but it appears that its possible. Just give him the badge and pretend that everything is alright. Like when priests get moved to another church. What?

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Scrambled Porn

I know its hard for some people of a certain age to believe, but at one point you didn’t have easy access to porno movies. You either had an uncle that was bad at hiding stuff or a father that was really bad at hiding stuff. When my parents had cable, at the time Continental Cable, channel 54 was The Playboy Channel. And, oh, what a channel! The problem was that my parents hated things like paying bills on time so we’d lose the channel.

Now, I’ve mentioned somewhere on one of my random blogs that I had sex before I attempted to pleasure myself. No, it wasn’t because I was young when I lost my virginity. I’m not that smooth. Its because I had a house full of people! So many people! Parents, three brothers, a sister. There was just no time to try anything. That didn’t stop me from trying to watch scrambled porn. I would sit there with my face glued to the screen in the hopes of seeing a nipple. “Was that a nipple? Was it?! No…no. That was a knee. A knee. False boner alarm. Carry on.”

I would just want to see something so badly that I would watch the Matrix version of pornography. Now? I can see porn anytime I want. It is a true testament to mankind that guys aren’t watching porn at all times. The fact that anything gets done at all when we have the ability to see nude men and women at the click of a button is astounding.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Scared Straight Boys

I was talking to a friend last week about homophobia, particularly men. I was saying how I wish some huge gay activist would come out and just be honest about things just to clear up any confusion straight men may have towards gay men. According to most homophobes gay men are just waiting for the perfect time to attack straight ass. Any straight ass. It doesn’t even matter what the guy looks like. And this is where the problem starts.

Gay men have tastes. Hell, most human beings do. There is no reason to believe that just because someone is attracted to your particular sex that they want to bang you. If anything gays have a very thorough list and ways of letting you know if they are interested. Just because you’re a guy doesn’t automatically make you interesting to them. Let me explain it to you in a way you may understand. This is for the scared straight boys.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Mr. Marcus Spreads Cooties

Oh, this is just perfect! Yes, that is me being sarcastic. Porn star Mr. Marcus, pictured left, has shut down porno in the San Fernando Valley. Not in the cool way like “Man, I shut that club down!” No, he actually has stopped the making of what keeps me from killing people by spreading cooties. Turns out he got syphilis while shooting a porno and got medicine for it but for whatever reason could not keep it in his pants and out of vaginas long enough for it to work fully. Oh, and he altered his test results so that he could continue ruining porn. Talk about bad timing. I wrote a while back (click here to read) about the government wanting to make all adult films use condoms.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Chickens Vs. Rainbows

The latest news story regarding gays has been the news story about the owner of Chick-fil-A, Dan Cathy, saying that he endorses "...the biblical definition of the family unit." Now, I have written about how tasty Chick-fil-A is because it is still new here in Hollywood and fucking delicious. Seriously, I know that this place is old to many of you but its still new to me. Their sandwiches make me J in my P's just thinking about them.

Cathy has been against same-sex marriages for years. This is not something we have just found out. Dude is religious and most religious people would prefer that you stick it in a woman or take it from a man. Don't you love how I can take thousands of years of hatred and simplify it so easily? Because that's seriously what it all comes to. What you do with your crotchal region can easily offend some people. Don't even get me started on where you put your mouth!

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Porn Slanger Part 2

One of the fun things about working at the porn shop was working holidays. And by fun I mean terrible. There was nothing like sitting at the counter and watching an empty store for a few hours and counting the time until I could go home. What was even worse were when people would come in. And by god they would be happy! “You’re open?!” No, I just like to sit behind the counter at porn stores wondering what wrong turn I made in my life. I’m not talking about holidays like 4th of July and Memorial Day. Those holidays meant absolutely nothing. I’m talking about the big ones like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Wish For WeHo Walgreens

I went to this place called Tasty Donut here in West Hollywood. I’ve been going to this place since I was, like, 16 years old. That means that for more than half my life I have known this place existed and have consumed it. Over the past five years or so the quality has been dropping. Not to mention that damned young girl behind the counter that hates having to get off her phone to help you. God forbid you give them money. I went yesterday and she fucked up my order which made me quite bitter since I get the same thing every time I go there. Now there’s a threat to this mom and pop donut shop. I rhymed!

Friday, May 11, 2012

The Gay Marriage Issue

One problem with fighting hatred is that if you do it long enough you eventually become your enemy. Sometimes its that you get tired of waiting for results. Sometimes its getting mad that people don’t accept you for the way that you are. In the past week I’ve noticed people who are for gay marriage start to sound like the very people they are fighting against.

If you’ve read any of my other blogs then you know that I am a hate filled person. I hate 98% of what I see and am on the fence about the other 2%. I don’t hate gay folks. Don’t have a problem with them and wish that they could get married whenever the hell they wanted to. I also don’t have a problem with North Carolina and their decision to ban gay marriage. Why? Because they voted on it and I don’t live there.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Rick Santorum Wants To Ban Porn In America

That’s all’s I can stand I can stands no more! I try to stay out of politics. I believe that most of it is worthless and that there’s never been an honest person in a high office. Republican, Democrat, whatever. Its all the same shit with a different smell. But what Rick Santorum has planned has forced my hand…away from my junk and to my keyboard.

This son of a bitch wants to put an end to pornography in America!

Now some of you that don’t watch porn are probably thinking, “And? That doesn’t affect me.” Oh, I disagree with you, liar. This mealy mouthed bastard had this to say about pornography. I shit you not, he said this on his website.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Know Your Porn Stars: Jeff Stryker

When you aren’t gay and work in a porn shop you learn really quickly that there is an entire world of things that you don’t know. Mostly about how popular porn stars are. One of them was Jeff Stryker. This dude was all over the place. Literally. He’s done gay porn, solos, bi-sexual porn, and even straight porn. This guy had ambition! Even a toy.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Show Me That Smile Again

Oh, that rascally Mike Seaver! Actually this is about the guy who played that character on the television show Growing Pains. Kirk Cameron has recently started a shit storm of…biblical proportions. Oh, I went there! He recently had this to say about marriage. Gay marriage in particular.

Marriage is almost as old as dirt, and it was defined in the garden between Adam and Eve. One man, one woman for life till death do you part. So I would never attempt to try to redefine marriage. And I don’t think anyone else should either. So do I support the idea of gay marriage? No, I don’t.

Monday, March 5, 2012

It's A Wrap!

There are new laws that are going down that will make porn studios that film in The Valley require that the actors and actresses use condoms. This debate has been going on for quite some time because whenever there is a story of one of the performers getting an STD it makes the news. Why? Because we live in a society that likes to pretend that it hates porn.

80% of porn filmed in the US is filmed in The Valley. That’s a lot of porn! One of the ways they plan to do this is by having people actually make surprise visits to porn sets which to me would be hilarious. “The bottom line is we don't want to be known as the porn capital of the world” said San Fernando Valley Mayor Bob Huber. I say look into his past and you’ll find some shady sexual shit.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Porn Parodies

Harry Squatter & The Sorcer’s Bone, Gilligan’s Bi-Island, Everybody Does Raymond, Lord Of The Cockring, Dawson’s Crack, and my favorite…The Hole (based off The Ring). I think as soon as TV was invented people started thinking of ways to porn a show up. Some of them are clever like this one, The Sex Files. I mean, it couldn’t have been hard to think that one up. Even the chick looks like Scully! But as much as I liked that show I never wanted to see them have sex. Which is weird because now David Duchovny is known for nothing but sex on Californication.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Celebs And Their Cheap Highs

“Nitrous oxide, commonly known as laughing gas or sweet air, is a chemical compound with the formula N2O. It is an oxide of nitrogen. At room temperature, it is a colorless non-flammable gas, with a slightly sweet odor and taste. It is used in surgery and dentistry for its anesthetic and analgesic effects. It is known as ‘laughing gas’ due to the euphoric effects of inhaling it, a property that has led to its recreational use as a dissociative anesthetic.”

Monday, January 9, 2012

Foot Fetishes & Such

“Foot fetishism has been defined as a pronounced sexual interest in the feet or footwear. It is a mainly male interest. For a foot fetishist, points of attraction include the shape and size of the foot and toes (e.g., long toes, short toes, painted toes, high arches, etc.), jewelry (toe rings, ankle bracelets, etc.), treatments (such as pedicures), state of dress (barefoot, flip flops, etc.), odor, and any form of sensory interaction (e.g., licking, kissing, tickling, etc.).”

Wow. I wish I had easy fetishes like this. I have rubbed so many feet in my life and it would’ve been really convenient if it turned me on. It never did and that sucks for me. There weren’t really that many foot fetish films at the porn shop. I guess most folks just wanted to get right down to the dirty deed and didn’t have time to sniff and lick on people’s toes.