Thursday, October 16, 2014

Let Her Crush You

I found some articles online about this tall ass woman 30 year old Ana Lucia Barbosa that goes by the name of Amazon Cinthia. I mean, holy shit that is a lot of woman. She stands at 6'8” and weighs 200 pounds. The 200 pound thing is the only thing I really question. A woman never really tells. I'm just bitter because she is 7 inches taller than me but weighs 25 pounds less. Whenever a woman is tall she is asked if she models, plays basketball, or is a lesbian. I'm just being honest. Its kinda like how people assume I have kids, smoke weed, or have been to prison.

Cinthia makes as much as $300 an hour crushing men. Yes, that is a thing in porn as well. There are plenty of videos where women just sit on men or of men. And they love it. She also wrestles with them which is also a thing. “There's no shortage of willing clients happy to pay me to sit on them, wrestle them, pick them up and generally boss them around. I'm finding this line of work has changed my life and I'm now able to provide for my family.”

Seems like $300 an hour to get beat up and bossed around is a lot. I can have that done for free just by hooking up with ex's. Growing up in Brazil (of course because that place is South America's Australia) she was made fun of because of her height. Kids got creative and called her a giraffe. She eventually quit school because of it. Kids are so...suck.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Porn Tales 14

There was this old man that used to come into the porn shop. Now, when I say old I don't mean old like when I have complained about customers in the past. I'm talking about in 2001 he looked like he was ready to drop dead at any moment and I was not being paid enough to move his body. I bring this guy up because I recently saw him a few days ago and damn near dropped my bag of just purchased chips. I! How could this man still walk the Earth?

This isn't someone that just looked old. He was for real old. And jerking it every day. I think. He used to rent three movies every morning, return them the next morning, and take three more out. I often wondered if he actually had the ability to jerk off of if he just went home and slapped it around for a while, sighed, and put another tape in. Either way, it was depressing as hell. I know it should be inspirational that someone at the age of telephone is still feeling sexual but that is not how my brain works.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Wink Then Walk

People get hit by cars a lot in West Hollywood. It is a combination of really shitty drivers, pedestrains that make up their own rules, and folks on bicycles that weave in and out of traffic and the sidewalk as if they are the only ones there. Today at the bus stop I saw a poster for safety when crossing streets. “Wink then walk.” I have no problem with that. “Make eye contact with drivers before you cross the street.” Okay, still good. Its the last line that gets me. “What happens next is up to you.” Oh, come on now! Does everything in WeHo have to be about sex?! 

I remember in the porn shop seeing ads for every holiday and it being about sex. Thanksgiving? Buff guy with dick in turkey. 4th of July? Firecracker wrapped cock. Christmas? Guess what? Dick in a box! Does this city really need an ad with a shirtless guy crossing the street and unbuckling his belt? Seriously, West Hollywood. Get your shit together. 

Handle this homeless problem. Put up that goddamn Walgreen's. Make the traffic lights work in equal times because when people know the light they need only lasts 11 seconds compared to three minutes of the other they tend to speed and blow through lights. Oh, and hurry up and complete that ugly, gigantic parking lot at City Hall that I doubt citizens will be allowed to park in.