Thursday, October 27, 2011

Gloryhole Or Gory Hole?

Its rare that something can be amazing and terrifying at the same time. When I see a gloryhole I imagine its what Moses felt like when he saw the Burning Bush. Probably said the same thing too. “That’s impossible! But I must get closer…” I mean, it’s a sex hole. That used to be my name when I was a stripper. You don’t know who is on the other side and they don’t know who you are. You just stick your business in and hopefully get it back when you’re done. I’m not brave enough to stick my junk into a mystery boning hole. Maybe I’m missing out.

Wikipedia describes it as “…a hole in a wall, or other partition, often between public lavatory stalls or adult video arcade booths for people to engage in sexual activity or observe the person in the next cubicle while one or both parties masturbate. The partition maintains anonymity. Body parts including fingers, tongue and penis may be used for anonymous oral, vaginal and/or anal intercourse.

Don't Feed The Bears

There’s a big guy walking towards you. About 6 foot 4. Close to 300lbs. And he wants your sweet virgin ass! He’s what is known in the community (I’ve lived in West Hollywood for 14 years, damn it, I can say community!) as a Bear. I remember when I would see bear magazines when I slanged porn and wondered who would be attracted to such hairy men. Then I looked down at my smooth chest and shook my head in rage at the puberty that never occurred in my life. Seriously, my chest is as smooth as the palm of my hand. Its horrible. There were titles like Bear Magazine, 100% Beef Magazine, Bear, and Butch Bear. None of you will ever know the horror I suffered to find the pictures I do for this blog...

Wikipedia describes them as “Bears are heavy-set men and are often characterized as having hairy bodies and facial hair; some are also muscular; some attempt to project an image of rugged masculinity in their grooming and appearance, though none of these are requirements or unique indicators. Some bears place importance on presenting a hypermasculine image and may shun interaction with, and even disdain, men who exhibit effeminacy. The bear concept can function as an identity, an affiliation, and there is ongoing debate in bear communities about what constitutes a bear, however a consensus exists that inclusion is an important part of the bear community.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Porn vs. The Real World

This is the Donkey Punch. Ever heard of it? If you have then you’re a big old pervert and need to go to church. Wikipedia lists it as a “…sexual practice supposedly performed during anal or vaginal sex. The purported practice involves the penetrating partner punching the receiving partner in the back of the head or neck (what is known in boxing as a rabbit punch, after a technique to kill rabbits). The alleged goal is to cause the receiving partner's anal passage to tense up, thereby increasing the pleasure of the penetrating partner.

This is one of many reasons why chicks and some dudes (that live on Mars or something) hate porn. They think guys watch this stuff and end up thinking that chicks are into the crazy shit they see in them. I never believed this but have heard it enough times to write about it. Hopefully this will soothe people’s nerves and stop anyone dumb enough to believe what they see in porn.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Not My Little Pony!

We used to sell magazines featuring people who liked to dress up like animals and ride each other. Not even sexually. Like, some dude would have a chick in full body leather and then just sit on them or have a full carriage and have a bunch of them pulling them around. I mean, I get some fetishes. Even if I don’t I can somewhat understand why it could be hot. But this? Nope. If I had the ability to have more than one woman willing to do some strange shit for me the last thing I would do is dress her up or make her work. And the chicks that are usually into this sort of thing are not really the kinda dame I would get all hot and bothered over in the first place. Allow me to present Exhibit A.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Pump, Pump, Pump It Up!!!

There was a huge assortment of penis pumps at the porn shop. I had heard of them before I started working there but had never seen one in person. They look pretty damn simple. A cylinder, a pump, and the will and courage to stick your junk into something that looks like it takes your blood pressure. I’d imagine a belief in a forgiving god as well since you couldn’t pay me to try one of these things out. Fuck that. I have too much to live for.

Wikipedia describes it as “…penis pump is a cylinder that is fitted over the penis, with a manual or motorized pump to create suction. As the apparatus creates a partial vacuum around the penis, blood is drawn into the penis, helping it to become engorged. As vacuum increases, the difference between the inner blood pressure and the pump pressure increases as well; excessive pressure causes vascular damage rather than a harder penis.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

The F@#k Machine

Some men are really intimidated by women using sexual devices. Things like vibrators and such make some men feel like they aren’t as useful or cant get the job done. If you are one of those types of guys then you should probably stop reading because I am about to bring you to a beast. Introducing The Fuck Machine. I love that there’s no better name to come up with it. The name leaves no room for misinterpretation. “I wonder what it does…” It’s a machine that fucks you! The one pictured is pretty much how all of them look. It has a remote control that has multiple settings that go from “Low” all the way up to “I Regret Nothing!!!