Porn vs. The Real World

This is the Donkey Punch. Ever heard of it? If you have then you’re a big old pervert and need to go to church. Wikipedia lists it as a “…sexual practice supposedly performed during anal or vaginal sex. The purported practice involves the penetrating partner punching the receiving partner in the back of the head or neck (what is known in boxing as a rabbit punch, after a technique to kill rabbits). The alleged goal is to cause the receiving partner's anal passage to tense up, thereby increasing the pleasure of the penetrating partner.”

This is one of many reasons why chicks and some dudes (that live on Mars or something) hate porn. They think guys watch this stuff and end up thinking that chicks are into the crazy shit they see in them. I never believed this but have heard it enough times to write about it. Hopefully this will soothe people’s nerves and stop anyone dumb enough to believe what they see in porn.

Flexibility Is Overrated. How many times have you seen in movies or heard a group of guys gasp when they saw a woman doing the splits as they imagined all of the things they would do if they had some time with her. Hell, strippers make their careers off of these fantasies. But seriously, if a girl is really flexible it probably means she’s in great shape. And if she’s in great shape that means you have to last longer than the amount of time it takes for you to knock one out before a real girl comes over. I don’t think women get excited when a guy does the splits. Unless Jean-Claude Van Damme has been doing that stuff for years for no reason.

This is sexy only to JCVD.

Men aren’t the only guilty ones. I have heard girls bragging about how flexible they are. Ladies, stop that. All’s my brain does it translate that into “I am very bendable and lots of guys have witnessed this by way of my vagina!” Plus, who wants to do some weird ass yoga move that’s gonna end up speeding up the sex act. Speaking of which…

It Does Not Always Last Half An Hour. Sorry, ladies. And guys. In porn sex lasts until the guy feels like climaxing or when he says he is going to. If you’re lucky you can recover fast enough to not become a part of a story she and her friends laugh about over drinks. In these films guys can do every single position in the book and still have energy for another woman if she’s in the room. Sadly, sometimes sex can last seconds. Seconds. It can be as easy as putting it in and boom goes the dynamite. If I were a girl I like to trick myself into thinking I would be flattered if someone had sex with me and they finished in moments. Sadly, I doubt any woman believes this. Next thing you know you got your O-Face going which is never cute.

"This is the best five seconds of my life!"

Its even worse when you barely know the person all that well. You have no history with them where you can remind them about the time you made her scream her own name in bed. Comedian Bernie Mac once said “A heavyweight boxing match can end in less than 3:00.” That’s a great point but it doesn’t stop the feeling of shame as you look at your penis and it just sighs and shrugs at you.

Not All Women Swallow. This is probably the most upsetting personally and for women who know that their men watch pornos. In pretty much every one of these as soon as a guy is ready to go home, uh, I mean finish the chick knows to turn around and receive him. This is something a lot of women save for birthdays and Valentine’s. If you’re lucky. Adam Carolla said it best when he mentioned that the first guy to ask a girl “Do you swallow…?” ruined it for every other man alive. Men don’t care if you swallow. Holding would be nice though. I know that sounds terrible but look at it from my point of view. A girl can come and then just lay there either sighing with anger or satisfaction. I have to get up and clumsily make my way to the bathroom and wash my shame away.

"If I don't come three times that's your ass!"

You should always check if a girl or guy is cool with this before you try it. The last thing you want is to take that chance. You will either end up with some you on you or a punch in the junk. Worst case scenario? Bitten. Trust me. That does not feel good at all. Unless you’re into that kinda thing in which case porn is child’s play and you’re not even reading this.

Not All Black Men Have Ginormous Penises. Sorry to break this to everyone, but not all Black men walk around with a baby arm between their legs. This is a cool myth and a bad one. Cool because you can at least trick someone into getting in bed with you. Bad because if you’re having sex with somebody and they have grown up with this myth and you fail to deliver the goods it makes us all look bad. If you just watch porn then 99% of Black dudes have giant wangs. There is one dude, Mr. 18, who dwarfs animals. Its not even cool. Its friggin’ scary! Even the names of videos online about dudes having sex with chicks of other races have names like "Mandingo Harpoons Poor White Girl With His Spear!" and "This Bitch Didn't Know What She Was Asking For!" I don't know about you, but I am totally in the mood for love right now. But seriously, not all Black guys roll like that.

Some roll this. 

There is another myth that Black men have to deal with: We don’t go down on women. I first heard this one while working at the porn shop and I was pretty damned shocked by it. I mean in most porn guys will get it wet enough down there to stick it in or just spit on it. I think most chicks wouldn’t even care that guys don’t go down on them if they stroll up to them with Gary Coleman flopping around in their draws.

Not All Women Shave Down There (Or Men…). This one bugs me because some guys act horrified if a girl isn’t shaved down there. I’m always creeped out by these guys. It makes me think of Dateline specials and being offered cookies and lemonade by a girl you met online. If a girl pulls her draws off (I say draws because women hate the word panties) and has some hair I don’t give a damn! I'm not even sure when this started exactly. You can watch a porno flick from the 70's and 80's (god knows why you would when you have a choice not to!) and the women looked like they had Buckwheat in a headscissors. To say they had a lot of hair down there would be like saying there's a lot of evil in North Korea. But that's fine for some people. I mean as long as I don’t wanna start singing Ramone songs when I see her nude I’m game.

"I'm dead, you dick."

Guys don’t always take care of their nappy dugouts either. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. You cant demand that a woman keep her vajayjay from looking like the Cloverfield monster and then you roll up looking like something vets had to crawl through. Back on topic, in porn 99% of the women shave completely. Sometimes they should not. The new thing is for guys to shave completely which is the creepiest thing to ever happen. Cut that out. But keep it neat. Please. For the love of Zeus, please.