Don't Feed The Bears

There’s a big guy walking towards you. About 6 foot 4. Close to 300lbs. And he wants your sweet virgin ass! He’s what is known in the community (I’ve lived in West Hollywood for 14 years, damn it, I can say community!) as a Bear. I remember when I would see bear magazines when I slanged porn and wondered who would be attracted to such hairy men. Then I looked down at my smooth chest and shook my head in rage at the puberty that never occurred in my life. Seriously, my chest is as smooth as the palm of my hand. Its horrible. There were titles like Bear Magazine, 100% Beef Magazine, Bear, and Butch Bear. None of you will ever know the horror I suffered to find the pictures I do for this blog...

Wikipedia describes them as “Bears are heavy-set men and are often characterized as having hairy bodies and facial hair; some are also muscular; some attempt to project an image of rugged masculinity in their grooming and appearance, though none of these are requirements or unique indicators. Some bears place importance on presenting a hypermasculine image and may shun interaction with, and even disdain, men who exhibit effeminacy. The bear concept can function as an identity, an affiliation, and there is ongoing debate in bear communities about what constitutes a bear, however a consensus exists that inclusion is an important part of the bear community.”

Here’s a list of the different types of bears. I swear I had no idea it was this serious. I swear, one thing you can give gay folks credit for is the fact that they know what they like and they are fucking amazing at putting them into convenient categories.

Bear Run – a gathering or circuit party for bear/cub types and their admirers.
Baloo - an older bear who befriends and welcomes a younger bear (Cub) into bear culture.
Black Bear - a bear of Black/African-American descent.
Brown Bear - a bear of Hispanic, Middle Eastern, or South Asian descent.
Chub – a heavy set gay man. May or may not be a bear.
Cub – a younger (or younger looking) version of a bear, typically but not always with a smaller frame.
Grizzly Adams – a man who is hairy and is attracted to bears; but does not self-identify as a bear.
Grizzly Bear - a very dominant, heavy, tall, or hairy bear.
Koala Bear - a bear of Australian descent.
Otter – a man who is hairy, but not large or stocky – typically thinner, swimmer's build, or with lean muscle or no muscle.
Panda Bear – a bear of Asian descent.
Pocket Bear – a short bear.
Polar Bear – a silver- or white-haired bear.
Redwood - a red-haired bear.
Trapper - a man of smaller stature attracted to bears, also known as a chaser.
Wolf – a term for a muscle bear who is a rugged outdoorsy or biker type.

Look at that! Its slightly less complicated than learning which flags mean which things. You can wear a red flag and the next thing you know someone is trying to stick their fist up your ass. It could totally happen. Here’s a skit from Kids In The Hall titled “Grizzly” in which someone is "attacked" by a Bear.