Pump, Pump, Pump It Up!!!

There was a huge assortment of penis pumps at the porn shop. I had heard of them before I started working there but had never seen one in person. They look pretty damn simple. A cylinder, a pump, and the will and courage to stick your junk into something that looks like it takes your blood pressure. I’d imagine a belief in a forgiving god as well since you couldn’t pay me to try one of these things out. Fuck that. I have too much to live for.

Wikipedia describes it as “…penis pump is a cylinder that is fitted over the penis, with a manual or motorized pump to create suction. As the apparatus creates a partial vacuum around the penis, blood is drawn into the penis, helping it to become engorged. As vacuum increases, the difference between the inner blood pressure and the pump pressure increases as well; excessive pressure causes vascular damage rather than a harder penis.”

They had some that were like the size of a large forearm and some that were the size of your smallest finger. These sold more than the larger ones. There are a lot of things I would be embarrassed to purchase. Buying condoms still makes me feel weird like “Uh, yeah. I’m about to fuck and I need to make sure I don’t have any kids so…” These things are used to get your junk up. Not hard and functioning. Just this blobby mass of genitalia that you wish to inflict upon some hapless person. Like The Fuck Machine this is something you cant lie about. You cant say “Oh, that’s my new Slap Chop!” No, it’s a penis pump. And you’re using it to get your dick hard.

Fuck this thing. Its an electronic penis pump. Could you imagine all of the wrong that could happen because of this? When you introduce electricity into the bedroom I picture nothing but bad things. I put a penis pump into the palm of my hand and the suction is fucking ruthless. So the idea of a machine being wrapped about my wang and going haywire does not sound sexy to me. There are of course side effects to using these pumps too often. You could end up with floppy dick. I would prefer that to bloody exploding dick. Heh. Bloody Exploding Dick. I think they are playing at Cochella next year. And of course I received no training on how to sale these things. So when a customer wanted advice I was useless.


Customer: “Do these work?”


Me: “Huh?”


Customer: “Do these work?”


Me: “I don’t know.”


Customer: “Have you tried one?”


Me: “What?”


Customer: “Have you tried one of these before?”


Me: “No.”


Customer: “Can these be returned?”


Me: (stares blankly) “No. No they cant be returned.”


Customer: “What if it doesn’t work?”


Me: (shrugs)


Customer: “I think I’ll pass.”


Me: “Okay.”