The F@#k Machine

Some men are really intimidated by women using sexual devices. Things like vibrators and such make some men feel like they aren’t as useful or cant get the job done. If you are one of those types of guys then you should probably stop reading because I am about to bring you to a beast. Introducing The Fuck Machine. I love that there’s no better name to come up with it. The name leaves no room for misinterpretation. “I wonder what it does…” It’s a machine that fucks you! The one pictured is pretty much how all of them look. It has a remote control that has multiple settings that go from “Low” all the way up to “I Regret Nothing!!!”

I love this monster. Could you imagine having a steam powered Fuck Machine? Your neighbors would think that you had a damned steam engine in your house. Choo-choo, indeed. I’ve seen some scenes that use these things (not the steam powered ones) and its like watching someone walk a tightrope or get their teeth pulled. It looks so dangerous. And it sounds like a car starting. Did I mention that it costs over $1000? Yeah. Couldn’t you just nail a dildo to the wall and back into it a bunch of times? Seems cheaper. I love that if you buy this you can never have company over again. What could you even tell friends?

Friend: “Oh, so what’s that? A new table?”


You: “Uh…”


Friend: “I get it. it’s a chair!”


You: “Er…”


Friend: “Can I sit down on…?”


You: “No! God no!”