Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Cockage Ringage!

Cock rings are scary. I never even knew these things existed before I worked at the porn shop. The one in the picture is an extreme form of one. It has a damned loop so a leash can be attached. Why? I guess so you can be lead around by your junk. Which is what I call “being in a relationship.” Hi-yo!

Wikipedia describes cock rings as “a cock ring, or cockring, is a ring that is placed around a man's penis, usually at the base, primarily to slow the flow of blood from the erect penile tissue, thus maintaining erection for a much longer period of time.

Urbandictionary describes it as a “…tool used for males whose penises cannot stay hard long enough to get their girlfriend to have an orgasm.

They have all kinds of these things! Some are super thick metal. If they get stuck I think you’d need the jaws of life to remove it. I have dropped one on the glass counter and was shocked it didn’t shatter. There are also some that are jelly. Jelly meaning they feel like Wacky Wall Walkers. Who wouldn’t want one of these on their dick?!

One time someone tried one on in front of me. Dead serious. Here is how it all went down. First, I have to describe what this guy looked like. About 5’3”. Furry ass beard. Middle Eastern accent. And smelling of ass and cloves. Got it? Good.

Him: “Can I see the cock ring?”

Me: “Uh-huh.”

Him: “Any smaller?”

Me: “Uh…sure…” (hands over cock ring the size of quarter)

Him: “Thank you.” (quickly whips out penis and slides on cock ring)

Me: “Um…no.”

Him: “Huh?”

Me: “You just bought that!”

He bought it and then I kicked him out the store. He had the nerve to act confused as to why he was getting kicked out. This mind you was after I had only been working there for a few weeks and it wasn’t even 7am yet!

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