Friday, December 9, 2011

Wrap It Up

Did you know that there’s a condom made by Louis Vuitton that cost $68. That is not a typo. Who in their goddamn mind would pay that much money for a condom? You can only use it once. Unless you’re a cheapskate. Which I totally would be if I paid that much for some boning action. Its cheaper to just pay someone to bang than it is to buy this thing. I would rinse that sumbitch out and use it again. Call me gross but whatever. That’s a lot for a condom. If someone whips this bad boy out they are either showing off or an asshole. Maybe a bit of both. I like condoms. When dudes say “I cant feel anything when I wear one” I cant believe they get away with it. Sex feels too good. Every. Single. Time. It doesn’t ever not feel good. Thank god for condoms.

There are so many different types of condoms. They have ones with French ticklers on them, tiny ones, big ones, greasy ones, ashy ones, and all kinds of shapes and colors. I never have one when I need one by the way. Sex is always a surprise that I want but am never ready for. Its like “You have a condom?” to which I smoothly reply “Uh…” Even when I worked at the porn shop and was in relationships I hated buying condoms. I think its what it feels like for chicks to buy pads. It feels like I’m showing off. “Yeah, I’m totally getting action later on. So I’d like to purchase these Trojan Magnums.” I really do like that brand. Not because I’m trying to prove anything. They just don’t stank as much as Durex. Those smell like pure rubber and that reminds me of the hospital I worked at and hospitals are where boners go to die.

They also sell condoms that have different sensations. Like this one with a heating feeling. Nope. Have you ever had heat near your junk? I have once when ironing and having an ex that thought it’d be cool to experiment with Altoids. All’s it did was remove all feeling from my junk and make her job that much harder. Heh. They have condoms at the 99 Cent Store. That’s when you just don’t give a damn anymore. They have them free at a lot of places like Out Of The Closet and free clinics. Use them. Or don’t. I mean not using one feels awesome. Too awesome if there’s such a thing. I’m not doing a very good job of this. Okay. If you want to last longer than five seconds use a condom. But even then that’s not a guarantee you’ll be Iron Man. Sometimes it feels too amazing to last long. Hey, you should take it as a compliment! I would.

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