Crazy White Guy

We tried to be creative when we made up names for some of the crazy ass people that came into the porn shop. Sometimes it was just easy (The Model, Red Riding Hood, The Gypsies). And sometimes someone was so messed up that the only name that fit was the most obvious one. Enter: Crazy White Guy.

I’m not sure if it was natural home grown crazy that affected this guy or if it was a combination of the wrong drugs. I’m thinking a little from column A. and a little from column B. This guy would hang out at Out Of The Closet and climb on their roof before the cops were called. If they were not he’d go to sleep. Then he run around the parking lot screaming and yelling at people before wandering into the porn shop and just acting bizarre. He wouldn’t yell in the store because I wouldn’t stand for that shit. But he’d eyeball people until they left.

One day a co-worker was walking past the counter and his eyes got wide and he bent down and picked up a small baggie. You know, like the kind people store weed in. The last person to be near that spot was Crazy White Guy. My co-worker got all excited.

Him: “Dude!”


Me: “No.”


Him: “Dude!”


Me: “No!”


Him: “I’m partying tonight!”


Me: “That’s Crazy White Guy’s! If you smoke that you will die!”


Him: “No I wont.”


Me: “Nice last words.”


Him: “Nothing is gonna happen.”


Me: “I’m sure that’s what he said before he woke up on the roof of a thrift store with no shirt on.”

So he takes the baggie and a few minutes later Crazy White Guy comes crashing through the front door looking all concerned. He walks around the entire store on the floor. He walks up to the counter and stares at me.

Me: “Yeah?”


Crazy White Guy: “Um…have you…? Nevermind.”

He left sad and my co-worker went home to smoke god knows what. I couldn’t wait to see if he showed up for work the next morning. When he did I was not disappointed. He stepped through the door with his eyes wide open and his mouth hanging.

Me: “So…?”


Him: “Huh?”


Me: “How was it?”


Him: “That was a bad idea.”


Me: “What did I tell you?!”


Him: “Yeah. That was a bad idea.”


Me: “Told you not to smoke that shit.”


Him: “Yeah…that was a bad idea.”

Crazy White Guy vanished one day. I don’t remember the cops coming or anything. He just up and disappeared into crazy thin air. There’s a new Crazy White Guy but its not the same. This new one is violent and talks like a thug when he’s trying to be tough. Crazy White Guy 1.0, where are you?