Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Gas Or Ass?
“Ha ha. Very funny.”
Ah, these could’ve easily been my last words. Not very dramatic nor awe inspiring. I would prefer “Hey, look at this!” or “I did it…for Johnny…” One day, it was a Halloween years ago, I was off. I was laying in bed half awake half asleep because I used to do that back in the day. All of a sudden a bullhorn outside startles the hell out of me.
“Tenants in the building on My Street! Evacuate immediately! There is a gas leak!”
I said “Ha ha. Very funny” thinking it was a Halloween joke. So I threw the covers back over my head and cursed whoever the hell it was playing a joke when I wanted to stay in bed and watch The Price Is Right. How dare they ruin my day with their shenanigans?! A couple minutes later they repeat the announcement. I got pissed so I stepped into my hallway and took a sniff. Guess what I smelled?
Pure fucking gas was pouring through the building! (cue Benny Hill music) I grabbed my red turtleneck sweater and some black Dickie’s (I don’t know why my wardrobe is important) and tore ass down the alley. You should have seen what I imagined was going on in my head. I pictured the building bursting into flames as I hauled ass and jumped into the air just as flames erupted throughout my small, filthy, cum soaked neighborhood.
But there was no explosions.
I make it to the end of the block and turn around and wait. And wait. I get tired of waiting and go and sit down in front of Irv’s Burger. Don’t eat there. Its gross. Anyway, I watch traffic for a while before realizing that my breath stinks and my hands are ashy. Yeah, I’m seriously that vain. In the face of death my biggest concerns are my breath and skin care.
So there I am bored out of my mind but feeling moist and with great breath when I get tired of sitting there. I sneak back towards my building which is swarming with cops and see a bunch of my co-workers. I ask where the other straight dude went to.
“He was tired of standing here smoking so he went home.”
This dude was awesome and one of my favorite co-workers. A gas leak that could destroy the street and he is out there smoking like he doesn’t give a fuck. We sneak back into the building and I bring my TV downstairs and we check to see if this is on the news. It is for like a moment I shit you not. Meanwhile we are in the back room listening to customers being yelled at by the cops and yelling at cops.
Cops: “Its dangerous. There is a gas leak.”
Customers: “I just need to return this movie.” “I just want to grab some magazines!” “I need some cigarettes!” “I’ll only be a minute!” “When is this gonna wrap up?”
I like porn as much as the next guy, but I’m not willing to risk certain death for beat-off material.