Working With The Vampire

I worked with a vampire once. No, he wasn’t a real vampire. He was just this weird ass guy that they decided to hire at the porn shop one day. He was a cool enough guy. Just…weird. Now if I can call you weird in all seriousness then something is weird about you. When I had to train him I had my reservations. He was short, balding, had teeth that looked like L.A after The Riots of ‘92, and smelled like black liquorices.

Our first conversation during training didn’t help soothe my nerves in terms of his strangeness.

Me: “Enter your security code.”


Jim: “Will do” (in English accent)


Me: “Okay…”


Jim: “There you go.”


Me: “666?”


Jim: “Oh, I’m a Satanist.”


Me: “Hrrm.”


Jim: “So where do we start?”


Me: “I don’t know anymore…”

Now in regards to the English accent, the shit came and went. Sometimes he talked normal and sometimes he sounded like a character from an old Disney film. He would walk around the store muttering to himself and nodding at the air. Maybe he was speaking to Satan.

One day he told me that he was in the film Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas. I had seen that film plenty of times and immediately figured that he was lying about it. “What a random ass lie” I told myself. Then a long ass while later while watching the movie during the scene where Johnny Depp and Benecio Del Toro are tripping balls at the FBI convention there he is. His entire face is covering the screen while they are laughing behind him.

(click here to see his scene)

The reason I didn’t recognize him was because 1. He was clean shaven. 2. He had his mouth shut so you couldn’t see the danger zone he called his mouth. And 3. He had a haircut and not the weird mess I was accustomed to. There was this odd looking Black chick that would come and get him at night. Maybe she was his familiar…

Familiar: “…may refer to a human who is kept either as an informant and, virtually, a pet or as a continuous source of blood and sometimes servants or even friends.”

She would show up with her wild ass hair and not even ask for him. He would just appear out of fat air and they would look at each other until he smiled. Then I would shudder and look away. When he left it was sudden. One day he just stopped showing up to work. Cant say that I was upset about it. Its just kinda nuts when someone can make a porn shop even creepier.