Thievery Abound!

That’s Simon Adebidi. No, he didn’t work at the porn shop. He’s a character from the show on HBO “Oz.” Damn I loved that show. You know why? Because it made me want to stay out of jail more than usual. Specifically because of people like Adebisi. Anyone known by just their last name in jail is bad. He raped dudes while listening to a Walkman.

And his hat never fell off.

Speaking of jail, because that’s what I planned on talking about before I got distracted by the thought of being ass raped by a large African man who fed people crushed glass, there were some folks that worked at the porn shop that stole like all get out. Yes, I use terms like “all get out.” Men, women, kinda one of each. Thieves. Here’s a few tales of some.

I know I previously mentioned a cross dresser that used to steal and use the store’s cash as a bank account. There was this one chick that was cool as hell. That’s the way it is with criminals. I hear Jeffery Dahmer was quite charming. She was a musician, very sweet, and eve got me some pizza at 3am once. If only I knew she was funding food with thievery! There was nothing sensational about her arrest. Cops came in and grabbed her and I never heard from her again.

And then there’s this guy.

This asshole stole thousands of dollars. Like the chick, he was liked by everyone. A hard worker and always showed up on time which was awesome when I needed to run home when he arrived. I always noticed that he would buy cool toys from this shop that used to be over here.

Me: “Dude! I wanted that but it costs like $200!”


Him: “Yeah.”


Me: “You making that much from two jobs?”


Him: “Uh-huh.”

Lying son of a bitch. I helped bring him to justice. One day a customer came in to return a movie. He was pissed because the film just had dudes flexing and not fucking. Oh, don’t you hate when you get those mixed up? I asked for his receipt like we’re supposed to and he said the guy never gave it to him. I checked the register tape (the store had an old ass cash register at the time) and didn’t see the purchase or anything close to it.

After checking this guys register closer we noticed that there were a lot of “No Sales.” What that means is that the register was being opened a lot. The cops were called and the next day an undercover cop came in as a customer and went straight to this guy and made a purchase. Immediately change was given and cash was placed in pockets. The cops came out with the cuffs and took his punk ass from the counter.

He spent one day and jail and ’fessed up to stealing about $10,000. I did not add an extra zero. That is not a typo. He stole ten grand. That’s what he admitted to. I think he paid back about $200 and then…nothing. He got away with stealing a shit ton of money and spent a day in jail. West Hollywood jail which is like a gay bath house with free food.

Right?