Thursday, August 4, 2011

"When You're...Strange"

Lots of freaks came into the porn shop. No, I’m not talking about people that like peeing videos and fisting. No, I mean like for real’s legit shoot freaks. People that had deformities and stuff that were physically obvious and scary sometimes. Sometimes it was just someone that was bizarre as hell and didn’t know it for whatever reason.

There was Pretzel Man. This old dude that was sometimes called The Riddler because his spine was shaped like a question mark. He would stand in the porno magazines section for hours. That’s not a typo. Hours. This wasn’t something that was extraordinary. What was special about this guy was that his hearing aid didn’t work. It was let loose with this high pitched “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!” the entire time he was in the store. It was annoying but worth it to watch customers try and figure out where the sound was coming from.

Scabitha (like Tabitha but…scabby) would come in a couple times a week. He never started trouble with me but one of my co-workers and Scabitha would get into it every time they saw each other. Scabitha was this scrawny White dude that was…covered in scabs. He would come in and ask for matches or Advil. Yeah, we sold Advil. I would say no to him and that was it. But not my co-worker. This shit was magical.

Scabitha: “Can I have some matches?”

Him: “No. Leave.”

Scabitha: “Fuck you, asshole!”

Him: “No! Fuck you, you dirty asshole!”

Scabitha: “You son of a bitch! Fuck you!”

Him: “Get the fuck out of here and don’t come back!

Then this would happen all over again next week.

This one guy had Lobster Hands. If you don’t know what lobster hands are click this link (its kinda fucked up but you can get over it since I had to deal with this in real ass life!). I suspect that this guy was going for shock value. He brought up a bunch of porn to the counter and then he handed me his money with fucking lobster hands! I’d worked in a hospital so things don’t shock me as much as they probably should. But it didn’t help that he had really fat fingers. It was like sausages. I only saw him the one time but he made quite an impression. What bothered me about Lobster Hands was that I still think of him till this day. How does someone with lobster hands beat off? Yeah, I know it’s a bad idea but I can only imagine what its like to get familiar with yourself when you have pretty much a thumb and pinky to work with.

Fat Rambo/Road Warrior was this fat White dude that looked like a dirt person from a movie about the future. You know, that thing where people are wearing far too many layers of clothing and accessories. He would come in and try to sneak past the counter with his backpack full of shit. He smoked weed in the store once.

Me: (sitting at the counter and smells weed) “The fuck…? Dude!”

Him: “Huh?”

Me: “You cant do that in here!”

Him: “Really?” (blows smoke in the air)

Me: “That’s not cute. Get out.”

Him: “Aw, man…”

I saw him chasing a small pony down the alley once. This is for real. One weekend I looked out my window after hearing shouting and saw him sweating and chasing a small white pony. No, it was not a very large dog. It clopped when it ran. Dogs don’t clop!

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