Porn Tales 8

I had a manager at the porn shop that I couldn’t stand. Let’s call him Rick. Now Rick was a worry wart. You know, one of those people that act frantic in every situation and every little thing that happens is the biggest emergency to ever happen in the store. I hate frantic but even more than that I hate frantic with no action. If you’re gonna act like that then at least move! (sigh) Okay.

This dude was always ashy. Like always. I swear I heard him wash his hands in the bathroom and come out with them dryer than a turtles knuckles. Ash bothers me especially when it can be seen from a distance. Let me give you a few examples of this guy just to give you a taste of why I hated working with this guy so much I volunteered to do a split shift of like 9am to 1pm and coming back in the evening to work 8pm to midnight.

In the 7 years I worked at the porn shop I missed only three days of work. That’s gotta be some kinda record. One day my foot was so swollen that I couldn’t put my shoe on. I called a few hours before my shift to let him know that I couldn’t come in.

Me: “I can barely even stand. Can someone else cover me?”


Him: “Um…”


Me: (waiting)


Him: “There’s just me and you working.”


Me: “Yeah, I know. But Tom, Dick, and Harry want extra shifts and could come in.”


Him: “Hmm…”


Me: (waiting and getting annoyed)


Him: “No. You have to come in.”

So I came to work and his great plan was to keep me off the floor and just work the register, which in his mind was a great idea. So I stayed at the counter. On a Friday. In a porn shop. Suffice to say I was on my feet the entire shift while he came out every half hour to straighten magazines before smoking in the back room the rest of the night.

The next day my main manager checked the receipts and saw that I had rang up over $8,000 while the other register had less than $40 on it. I found this out and spoke to him because the next day I stayed home. I didn’t ask. I called and said that I wasn’t coming in because I couldn’t walk.

Another example was on New Year’s Eve 1999. Yes, the infamous New Year’s where the world was supposed to end. Where Jesus himself was going to fall from the skies and start Rapturing sons of bitches. The power was supposed to shut off. Computers were going to erase everything. Being in a porn shop was the last place I wanted to be in any of those scenarios.

I sat at the counter all night and only two customers came in the entire shift. I was scheduled from 3pm till midnight when the world was going to end. After ringing up a whopping $8 all night at 11:45pm I asked if I could leave.

Him: “Hmm…”


Me: (thinking of all the ways I could judo chop his throat)


Him: “Wait till someone else gets here.”


Me: (looks around empty store) “Sure.”

A little bit before The Apocalypse someone showed up for their shift and I booked it home in time to see fireworks all over the world and the planet not explode. I don’t know what the fuck this guys problem was but I was so over him. And then one day something glorious happened.

He got fired.

It was discovered that for god knows how long this ashy ass mofo was giving out cigarettes to a customer for less than fifty cents. At the time they were $4 a pack. He was told that he could keep his job if he just admitted it and promised not to do it anymore. He said no and was gone. And I danced.

A month or so later the same customer that was getting the bionic ass discounts was walking into the video area and this rickety door fell down and karate chopped him right across the brow breaking his glasses and busting his face. The owners response?

“Give him some free rentals.”