Friday, July 22, 2011

Spank Rags

As you all know porn shops sell porn magazines. Lots of porn magazines. We all know most of the basic straight ones like Playboy, Hustler, and Penthouse. The gay magazines have far more choices and break them down by height, hair, and size. Size of what? Take one damn guess. There was Mandate, Inches, Black Inches, Latin Inches, Jock, Freshmen, Men, Instinct, and Blueboy.

Lots of straight dudes would pose in these. They would even pose in magazines made for women (ha!) like Playgirl that I never in my damn life ever sold to a woman. People would come in for these magazines on delivery day. Some were more obsessive than others. There was this one dude in particular that would literally race into the store after calling. Yes, he would call to see if a magazine arrived. Here are two scenarios.

Me: “Thank you for calling Store That Shall Not Be Named.”

Him: “Do you have the November Mandate?”

Me: (sigh) “No.”

Him: “Isn’t it supposed to be there?”

Me: “We haven’t gotten the delivery yet.”

Him: “I saw a UPS truck.”

Me: (shudder)

And then…

Me: “Thank you for calling Store That Shall Not Be Named.”

Him: “Do you have the November Mandate?”

Me: “Hold on please.” (checks sales floor) “Yeah, we do.”

Him: (hangs up)

Less than a minute later he would arrive all sweaty and happy. At least he would buy shit. This dude was so weird that he became a character for my co-worker to fuck with new employees with. He would go to his office and call the store using the guys voice asking for fake magazines.

Newbie: “Thank you for calling Store That Shall Not Be Made. This is Victim. How may I help you?”

Co-Worker: “Do you have the November Jock Itch?”

Newbie: “Hold please. Dante, do we have Jock Itch?”

Me: “What?!” (sees second light on phone blinking) “Oh, go check.” (tries to keep from laughing as Newbie checks)

Newbie: “Sorry, we don’t have Jock Itch.”

Me: (laughing at joke that never got old)

He would even use the guys voice to ask for a giant fake butt plug (if you don’t know what a butt plug is you’re a bad date). Again he would call the store. In all honesty, I fell for this joke when I first started.

Me: “Thank you for calling Store That Shall Not Be Made.”

Co-Worker: “Do you have the Ass Blaster 2000?”

Me: “What…?”

Co-Worker: “The Ass Blaster 2000. it’s a butt plug.”

Me: “I don’t think so.”

Co-Worker: “Its so large you have to help me carry it to the car…” (Co-Worker starts laughing)

Me: “You son of a bitch!”

And people would steal the shit out of these magazines. Sometimes just a page. But what they didn’t know was that we had security tags on some of them especially the expensive ones. I caught a kid trying to steal a Buttman magazine one morning when I was just arriving to start the day. I took this personally since Buttman actually shopped there and I think he does the best porn. So I walk in the front door as this kid is walking out and sets off the security alarm. The woman-beast at the counter stands up. It took a moment.

Him: “Uh…”

Her: “What did you take?”

Him: “Nothing…”

Me: (turns on angry Black man glare)

Her: “Turn around.”

Him: (spins lifting coat confusing her)

Me: “Funny.” (steps forward and snatches two Buttman magazines out of front of his pants hopefully ripping a pube with the stables) “Get the fuck out of here!”

How many places can you work where screaming “Get the fuck out of here!” at 9am are there? And do you really want to work there?

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