Porn Slanger Part 1

Yeah, that’s me from a while back. Maybe around 2005 or so in the porn shop acting a damn fool. I bet when you read these tales of horror you ask yourself “Self, how can I avoid suffering the same fate as you and spending 7 years slanging porn to various dregs of society?” Well, let me tell you. Get comfy ‘cause this is kinda long.

That’s what I wish she said.

Before I started working there I was working at Petco (“Where pets go!”) and reading scripts. Both of them were part time jobs and I needed some scratch! My ex at the time had a cousin that had worked there for years and said that they needed someone to work weekend mornings because no one wanted to do it. I was like, sure. I had only been in the porn shop once before then to see if they had wrestling magazines. They did but not the kind I wanted…

So after my interviews I start with this young dude who shows up like half an hour late but just in time to get breakfast from Silver Spoon! I had some cashier experience but not enough to have my ass left alone at the counter. So as I screwed up transaction after transaction I was glad to head home.

I was shocked that people bought so much porn. I mean, I like committing Black on Black crime to myself as much as the next man, but damn! I don’t think I have it in me to head to a place to get something to beat off to. It was weird going from reading terrible scripts one day, heading to sell dog food to crazy old ladies, and then selling dildos to dudes.

I worked the 7:30am to 4pm schedule for a while and watched people come and go before heading to the 3:30pm to midnight schedule. Jesus, I wish I had stayed at the other shift. There was nothing more terrifying than a man that bursts into a porn shop at 11:50pm sweating and asking for some Rush (poppers) and getting upset because we’re all out of glass (crack) pipes. And the employees were really fucking strange at night. People would show up legit drunk off their ass like it was the thing to do.

I can sit here and bitch about how crazy the porn shop was but then people ask the next question and depending on my mood the answer changes. “Why did you work there so long?” Well, it was close. Like ten seconds close. I live in the same building and going to work was nothing at all.

Gotta rest.

Head upstairs.

Gotta eat.

Head upstairs.

Gotta poop.

Head upstairs.

You cant beat that with a bat! The downside is listening to your co-workers when you’re off the clock. It got even worse when I stopped working there (that’s for another blog). As bad as it was working there for so long there were plenty of fun times. Like when I bought happy glasses, meeting John Ritter, laughing at how short Eddie Furlong was in real life, scaring shoplifters away, all the free porn I got. So much free porn! The amount of porn I gathered over seven years was amazing!