I use that quote from American Beauty because it was what I thought of when this guy I worked with started crying for no damned reason. One day this guy started and I knew immediately that he wouldn’t last long. He was attractive, stupid, and a huge flirt. It took him a minute to realize I was drooling over a cover of Gear with Jessica Biel on the cover before he stopped flirting with me.
He would spend his lunch breaks doing push ups and pull ups near the back window to attract customers to come look at him. His mood was so back and forth. He would go from bionic horndog to silently moping around the store. I wanted him to pick a mood and stick with it. We were there to sell porn, damn it!
One day he just burst into tears. I don’t mean like weeping quietly while people walked past. No. He fucking full on family member died and he could’ve prevented it cried in the back room. You know, that awesome back room where all the action is? I hate watching dudes cry. I’ll admit, I am an ugly crier. So I stopped. But this dude was losing his mind so I did what any normal person in my position would do.
I sighed heavily.
He looked at me with tears streaming down his face. I cocked my eyebrow. He realized that he was dealing with a straight man with the emotional capacity of a Terminator and rolled his eyes and went back to work. He acted like nothing ever happened, even the next day. About two weeks later he was gone. I discussed this with a co-worker.
Me: “What happened to American Beauty?”
Him: “Who?”
Me: “American Beauty. Dude who cried for no reason.”
Him: (laughter)
Me: “Sometimes there’s so many push ups in the world…and I…” (pretends to weep) “…I feel like my hearts gonna explode!”
Him: “I think he quit.”
Me: “How come people don’t get fired for being fucking weirdoes?”
Him: “Because you wouldn’t have a job.”
Me: “Swallow me.”
Him: “Ooh, daddy!”
Me: “I don’t like you.”
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