Friday, July 15, 2011

Booty Juice

There are lots of ways to get wet. You can leave the house without an umbrella. Run through some sprinklers on a hot summer day. Or head to your local sex shop and buy some lube! There are lots of lubes for different things. Astro Glide, Wet, Eros, KY Jelly, and of course Boy Butter, which you see there. I swear when I first saw this at the porn shop I thought it was a joke. It even looks like butter which for some reason makes it seem even worse.

“I cant believe its not butter!”

“You will once you taste it!”

Wikipedia says “…lubricants (colloquially termed lube) are specialized lubricants to reduce friction between body parts, or between body parts and other objects. They are used during sexual acts (such as intercourse and masturbation), to reduce friction with the penis, vagina, anus, or other body parts.” That “other body parts” thing scares me.

Urbandictionary users say lube is “…commercial product used to lubricate sexual intercourse, often anal sex between two men. Lube allows the penis to enter the anus without pulling or tearing of the anal tissue. It also allows time for the anus to expand and accept the incoming phallus.” Why is this site so homophobic? Straight folks use lube, too.

The thing about lube is that you cant have just one. I don’t mean that in a sense as if they are like Pringles. What I mean is that some are oil based and some are water based. Knowing the difference between the two could save you from having a terrible night.

Water based lubes dry out. That’s why when they use them in pornos they have to keep on applying them. And when it dries it looks like an STD the devil might invent so wash it off. Speaking of which they are easy to wash off. Just regular old soap and water. But if you’re a plain old nasty ass you can let it dry on your skin. And if you’re fucking someone that doesn’t care about that you really need to evaluate who you’re banging. Newer water based lubes actually help stop HPV. Not HIV. Water based lubes are safe to use with condoms. Know your shit!

Then there's oil based lubes. Chicks (and some dudes) who cant use water based lubes can use this but the biggest drawback is that you cant use a condom with it. The best thing about it is that it never dries out which is also what makes it so hard to wash off. Like really hard to wash off! I had to scrub my head hard as hell and couldn’t imagine washing that off my junk.

Silicone based lubes (sounds like something a robot would use, huh?) are super slick and can be used to shave with. Seriously, I have used Eros to shave my head with. These will likely fuck up your sex toys so don’t use them. It also doesn’t get absorbed into the skin and doesn’t dry out like water based lubes. But remember, if you plan on diddling yourself with this using a toy you could fuck around and get half your toy back. Try explaining that to the nurse! “Well, what you see had happened was…

In movies lube is always seen as this thing guys just absolutely have to use to beat off or when they are going to have sex with for the first time. Like this line from the movie Superbad when a friend is being mocked before having sex with a girl in school.

Oh Evan, thank you for bringing that lube for my pussy. I never would've been able to handle your four inch dick inside my pussy without that gigantic bottle of lube.

I have used it to shave my head and that’s it. Some people make fun of others for having to buy lube. Hey, sometimes you just do so much boning you have to spray a little extra water on the grass, if you’re picking up what I’m dropping? So the next time you buy some lube and someone gives you the stink eye for buying lube just say “You’re at work while I’ll be getting some!

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