Porn Tales 5

There was this asshole I worked with at the porn shop. We’ll leave his name out of this in case one day he tweaks his way to this blog and drips makeup all over it. He had worked there well before I did and I couldn’t stand him. He would skate into work sweating his foundation off his face. I mean literally dripping off his face. He talked very wispy and was always fanning himself whether it was hot or cold. Know why?

He was on drugs!

There are two things that led to his magical downfall. One day I baked some cookies for everyone. Yes, I bake cookies and I bake them very well. I made some which would have fed about ten people. I come in the next day to get my Tupperware and ask a co-worker how the cookies were. She tells me this.

Her: “I didn’t get any.”


Me: “Huh?”


Her: “I didn’t get to try them.”


Me: “How is that even possible? There was a bunch.”


Her: “I think (tweaker) took them.”

Now this pissed me off because I hated the dude already and the fact that he took all them damned cookies was just fucking ridiculous. I found my Tupperware with one giant store bought cookie stuffed in there as replacement for the fact that in his drug fueled mind state he thought this was okay. I would have preferred an empty container. I had to have a conversation with my manager so I would not have to lay hands on this son of a bitch because seriously I would have grabbed him and shook the shit out of him.

The last straw happened when I wasn’t even at work. At his point I was working a split shift because I couldn’t stand working with a supervisor during the nights. So in between I went to the thrift store and found a TV for $25 and was walking past the back window when my manager stopped me.

Him:  “Wanna come to work early?”


Me: “No. Why?”


Him: “We had to fire (tweaker).”


Me: “Yay. I’ll be right back.”

Turns out he had fallen asleep while ringing up a customer up. Like for reals fell asleep standing up while scanning a porno for someone to rent. He got fired and came by to visit like a year later. I ignored the shit out of him. He said hello, I just looked at him and finished eating my Snicker bar.

Don’t do drugs, kids.