Porn Shop Etiquette

As many of you know by now, I worked in a porn shop for years. Closer to a decade than not. I felt like compiling a list of things that you should not do when entering a porn shop since from my first day to my last I experienced these situations with customers and it never failed to bother me. Share this with your friends as well because one can never know enough about how to behave in a porn shop. At least that’s what I would tell myself. And by the way, this goes for entering any establishment where you may have your mind blown. Hopefully just your mind…

Prepare Yourself. You are entering a house of ill repute. There are going to be some things that will shock, horrify, and surprise you. Some of it will turn you on. Still. Prepare yourself. The person behind the counter or on the sales floor sees this every single day sometimes five days a week. None of this is new to them. You do not have the right to be mad when they aren’t as reactionary as you when you see some weird shit. I could not stand when people came in and ooh’d and ahh’d at everything and looked at me like I was gonna say “I know, right?!” I said that when I started and got over it. What is new to you is not new to me. I’ve seen some things. Scary things. If you've never been in one just imagine the scariest thing you have ever seen in your life...and then picture it having sex. Okay. Now you're ready.

Calm The Hell Down. Don’t walk in and start talking all loud and screaming at the things you see. Its not as funny as you think and you’re probably embarrassing your friends who are with you. The person that talks the most is the one that came up with the idea to come to a porn shop to gawk and screech at every dildo they see. Its not funny. Its not cool. You’re just making an ass of yourself and becoming a story for some asshole behind the counter to blog about years later. Waving that 2 foot dildo in the air and hooting does nothing but prove that you are a special needs child that needs adult supervision.

There Are No Girls. There were a lot of poor souls that were straight that came into the porn shop thinking chicks were just hanging in the aisles looking for men. Nope. I know there are a couple of pornos where dudes meet chicks in porn shops and the next thing you know he’s got two tickets to paradise. You know what? There’s also films where guys pull up in a white van and a girl is in the back waiting to bang you. In real life those are rapists. In porno they’re saints. You cant believe what you see on TV. Okay, there are girls sometimes. But they’re like the ones I mentioned above or they don’t want to be bothered. Leave the ladies alone.

Don’t Bring Kids. I know it seems like I shouldn’t have to say this, but its happened more times than I even want to admit. I would be sitting at the counter and a guy would walk in…followed by his wife and kid(s). I know the name of the porn shop would have you think a fun place to be. But come on. Look at the windows and what’s inside. Porn. So what would happen is the family would walk in and the family would scatter. The father would see car magazines or something. The mom home and fashion. The kids, who had built in Pervatron Meters, would wander towards the porn. I would clear my throat and the father would look up. I’d motion my head towards the adult magazines and suddenly he would look around and everything would click. He’s then grab his family and run out giving me the “How could you?!” eyes. Hey, I’m not the one bringing my kids into a porn shop, Father of the Year.