Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Celebrity Sex Tape Reviews Part 1

Celebrity sex tapes are a weird thing. They will either make you smile or ruin your Spank Bank. The first one I ever saw made me feel uncomfortable because it wasn't even really a sex tape. I'm gonna just start with my reviews of these before I blow my load. Ha! Get it?! Blow my...? Nevermind.

Pam & Tommy Lee Hardcore

This was the first celebrity sex tape I had ever seen and one of the few to actually feature what could be called a “celebrity.” Now anyone that has been on TV is a celebrity and make fake sex tapes for attention. This tape is weird because it really seems like this never was meant to get out. They don't try anything fancy looking or use great angles. Its just them hanging out and fucking all over the place. You find out that Tommy Lee has a huge dick and Pam Anderson looks just as good naked as she does clothed. This tape flew off the shelves at the porn shop and rightfully so. You get to watch a sex kitten and a rock star fucking on tape. And its for real tape. There was nothing digital about this. This is for real's bootleg ass VHS tape.

Rating: 3/5 Wangs

One Night In Paris

Ugh. I don't find this praying mantis of a woman sexy in the slightest but so many people were talking about and renting this movie that I had to check it out. If you enjoy watching anorexic White chicks get fucked and lay there as if she is high as pterodactyl pussy then by all means, have fun. But she gets talked into fucking by Rick Solomon who, by the way, is now fucking Pam Anderson! She better be careful. Paris Hilton sued for $30 million but settled for $400,000. This tape has everything a pervert could want. Night vision cameras. Sneaky views of Paris getting ready. A possibly drugged female. Seriously, if you enjoyed this porno you probably have a lot of things about your life that you don't want brought to light.

Rating: 2/5 Wangs

One Night In Chyna

No! If you value your vision and sense of self preservation do not watch this ever! I did because fuck you I'm a wrestling fan and it stars two wrestlers, Joanie “Chyna” Laurer and Sean “X Pac/Syxx/123 Kidd” Waltman. This was mostly research. I didn't flog the dolphin to this. I wanted to prove to myself that Chyna was indeed a female. And it turns out that she is with a clit the size of a penis. I also found out that she is done...for...whatever. Nothing is off limits to this broad. But seriously. Don't ever watch this.

Rating: -1/5 Wangs

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