Porn Tales 9

There was this blue eyed Black dude I worked with. His eyes were not actually blue. He did it so his face would “pop.” Oh, and pop he did. This guy was a frigging weirdo of the highest order. He was one of those people that whatever you did he also did but did it with famous people watching who wanted nothing more than to make him famous.

I started calling him “Walker: Texas Stranger.” Well, because his name was Walker (turned out that was not true), he was from Texas (he said…), and he was strange. He showed up with his little sunglasses and blue eyes with a flattop and just thought he was the bees knees. Amongst his many talents one was baton twirling.

Meet The Model

I know on a few other blogs that I have brought the name The Model up but never explained exactly who the hell it or what it was. The Model is not only a person, The Model was an experience. And as we all know, not every experience is good.

I personally did not get to name The Model. He was given this name by the time I started working at the porn shop. To me he was just this weird guy who would walk in and laugh like a gay pirate and ask for matches. "Can I have some matchessssssss..?" Seriously, he would drag his S's for that long. And I would hand him matches. That is until shit started bursting into flames. I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me back up a little and explain the origin of one of the most infamous characters fro the porn shop.

Working With The Vampire

I worked with a vampire once. No, he wasn’t a real vampire. He was just this weird ass guy that they decided to hire at the porn shop one day. He was a cool enough guy. Just…weird. Now if I can call you weird in all seriousness then something is weird about you. When I had to train him I had my reservations. He was short, balding, had teeth that looked like L.A after The Riots of ‘92, and smelled like black liquorices.

Our first conversation during training didn’t help soothe my nerves in terms of his strangeness.

Thievery Abound!

That’s Simon Adebidi. No, he didn’t work at the porn shop. He’s a character from the show on HBO “Oz.” Damn I loved that show. You know why? Because it made me want to stay out of jail more than usual. Specifically because of people like Adebisi. Anyone known by just their last name in jail is bad. He raped dudes while listening to a Walkman.

And his hat never fell off.

Speaking of jail, because that’s what I planned on talking about before I got distracted by the thought of being ass raped by a large African man who fed people crushed glass, there were some folks that worked at the porn shop that stole like all get out. Yes, I use terms like “all get out.” Men, women, kinda one of each. Thieves. Here’s a few tales of some.

"When You're...Strange"

Lots of freaks came into the porn shop. No, I’m not talking about people that like peeing videos and fisting. No, I mean like for real’s legit shoot freaks. People that had deformities and stuff that were physically obvious and scary sometimes. Sometimes it was just someone that was bizarre as hell and didn’t know it for whatever reason.

There was Pretzel Man. This old dude that was sometimes called The Riddler because his spine was shaped like a question mark. He would stand in the porno magazines section for hours. That’s not a typo. Hours. This wasn’t something that was extraordinary. What was special about this guy was that his hearing aid didn’t work. It was let loose with this high pitched “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!” the entire time he was in the store. It was annoying but worth it to watch customers try and figure out where the sound was coming from.

Scabitha (like Tabitha but…scabby) would come in a couple times a week. He never started trouble with me but one of my co-workers and Scabitha would get into it every time they saw each other. Scabitha was this scrawny White dude that was…covered in scabs. He would come in and ask for matches or Advil. Yeah, we sold Advil. I would say no to him and that was it. But not my co-worker. This shit was magical.

Crazy White Guy

We tried to be creative when we made up names for some of the crazy ass people that came into the porn shop. Sometimes it was just easy (The Model, Red Riding Hood, The Gypsies). And sometimes someone was so messed up that the only name that fit was the most obvious one. Enter: Crazy White Guy.

I’m not sure if it was natural home grown crazy that affected this guy or if it was a combination of the wrong drugs. I’m thinking a little from column A. and a little from column B. This guy would hang out at Out Of The Closet and climb on their roof before the cops were called. If they were not he’d go to sleep. Then he run around the parking lot screaming and yelling at people before wandering into the porn shop and just acting bizarre. He wouldn’t yell in the store because I wouldn’t stand for that shit. But he’d eyeball people until they left.

One day a co-worker was walking past the counter and his eyes got wide and he bent down and picked up a small baggie. You know, like the kind people store weed in. The last person to be near that spot was Crazy White Guy. My co-worker got all excited.

Gas Or Ass?

“Ha ha. Very funny.”

Ah, these could’ve easily been my last words. Not very dramatic nor awe inspiring. I would prefer “Hey, look at this!” or “I did it…for Johnny…” One day, it was a Halloween years ago, I was off. I was laying in bed half awake half asleep because I used to do that back in the day. All of a sudden a bullhorn outside startles the hell out of me.

“Tenants in the building on My Street! Evacuate immediately! There is a gas leak!”

I said “Ha ha. Very funny” thinking it was a Halloween joke. So I threw the covers back over my head and cursed whoever the hell it was playing a joke when I wanted to stay in bed and watch The Price Is Right. How dare they ruin my day with their shenanigans?! A couple minutes later they repeat the announcement. I got pissed so I stepped into my hallway and took a sniff. Guess what I smelled?