Pippi Longstocking In Porn?!

Pippi is doing porn! Well, the actress that played Pippi Longstocking in a terrible late 80's film is doing porn. Sort of. You see, the thing is, the actress, Tami Erin, says that she thinks that she was recorded by a guy she dated who secretly did it. This type is totally unauthorized and Erin is super pissed about it happening. When I first heard this story I was like “Oh, lord, no!” Those Pippi films cam out a very long time ago and the idea of seeing that woman having sex terrified me like you couldn't imagine. 

My problem is that I have a very vivid imagination and when people say things to me I picture it quickly (which is why I stopped asking girlfriends how many people hey have had sex with). Thankfully, this was the new lame Pippi, not the awesome old one.

Let The Man Teach!

Isn’t it old yet? You know, being homophobic? Acting like gay people are this new, strange creation that hasn’t been around since the dawn of mankind? At St. Lucy’s Priory High School in Glendora, CA, now former teacher Ken Bencomo has been relieved of his duties after a story of his wedding to his partner and now husband Christopher Persky were published in a newspaper.

Bencomo has worked for the school for 17 years and many are saying that his sexuality has been known for quite some time. This has not been a secret he has kept from the staff. I doubt he would walk into the break room talking about all the gay sex he just had the previous night like how some straight people do and you know who you are. It just didn’t become an issue until it became very public. Hmm. Doesn’t that sound familiar?

The U.S Supreme Court now allows same sex couples to get married here in California and they did what was their legal right to do. Obviously he didn’t think he was wrong in doing so.

Want A C-String?

I know that I am not the target demographic when  people are looking for things that are considered sexy. But I know what is weird. And this thing called the c-string is weird and not sexy. This isn’t your grannies g-string. Please. G-string? That is so 1995 of you. Its all about new letters of the alphabet being shoved in between your ass crack. I don’t know why this is even a real thing but it is and that’s why I have to let those of you that don’t know about it aware of its existence. Because I can just picture you at the club and taking someone home and all of a sudden you see this new space age thing hanging from their crotch. I’m doing a community service by writing this. This thing seems to attach to your crotch and ass at the same time through what I assume is magic.

Idol Thoughts

Back at the porn shop I’ve met celebrities before ranging from D-List actors to actually music royalty like Elton John. They came in buying everything from poppers, to videos that were terribly overpriced, to just regular magazines. One day while sitting at the counter minding my business when this thin blond haired dude came up to the counter and started talking to me. He wasn’t weird or pervy or anything. He was nice. So we’re just talking about nothing exciting and “Dancing With Myself” came on the radio and he chuckled. I was like “Okay…” and he bought some stuff with his credit card and I rang him up and he said “Cheers” and left. After he left I had a total Kaiser Soze moment and looked at his receipt. It said William Broad on it and I was like okay its not him because his name is…William? Oh. So yeah. I met Billy Idol while working at the porn shop and didn’t realize it until he was gone and felt like an idiot. I still do. Idol is awesome.

Strange Love

Coulrophobia is a fear of clowns. I have no fear of them. I just find them annoying. Some people like clowns. I mean they really like clowns. Working in the porn shop I was exposed to a lot of strange porn. One of the strangest is clown porn. I got this definition from Urban Dictionary so who knows how true it is. Seems legit to me. “During the 1980's in the San Francisco area, the practice of 'clowning' became popular. In clowning, sexual partners would don clown make-up and other clown accessories before and during various sex acts. This generally gratifies a playful and silly side of one's sexuality.”

Porn Tales 11

There is a door that always leads to the nastier stuff when you work in a porn shop. Some places have a curtain which is just gross. You know no one takes that thing down and washes it. Some places have double doors that have been touched by more hands than a Super Bowl champion. At the one I worked at there was a frosted door that was hanging on by a thread. From my first day there I knew that one day that damned thing would fall down and make a really loud sound. Well, one day it did fall and I missed the whole thing much like when the ceiling collapsed.

Oh, and it hit someone in their face.

There was this guy that got shitcanned for giving this same guy a ton of discounts on cigarettes and god knows what else (read that here). So the damned door collapsed and smacked him right across the eye and cracked his glasses and gave him a black eye that eventually turned purple and red. Shit looked terrible. The first thing I thought was “How is he gonna explain what happened to his friends and family?” I mean, if my friends saw me looking like I just had a 12 round bout with Mike Tyson they would have a ton of questions. This guy just showed up the next day and got some free rentals for his trouble.

Girls Gone Broke

Girls Gone Wild has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy with over $16 million is claims. The douche nozzle, Joe Francis, who started the series but no longer owns it, has a huge gambling problem and is being hit up for $10 million. In a statement the company said “re-structure its frivolous and burdensome legal affairs.“ Girls Gone Wild, or GGW for us cool kids, was one of the reasons I was excited to work at the porn shop. I didn’t have to order this shit like some pervert or watch the censored commercials at home at 3 in the morning. I don’t know if you’ve seen these but they are a huge let down to my penis. Its like watching what it is. Guys begging drunk girls to flash their tits for an hour. Seriously. That is all this series is.

Racist Gentitals

Years ago I started to suspect that my penis was a racist and after hours of research…okay. Fine. Minutes of research, I’ve realized that its true. I can not for whatever reason watch Asian men having sex. I don’t know if its because of the sounds they make or if its because they sound like characters from cartoons I like boning. But I just cant handle it. Literally. In a lot of Japanese porn the chicks sound like they’re getting murdered when they have sex and I’ve always wondered if that translates over to real life. I’ve never had sex with an Asian so I can neither confirm nor deny that this is a thing. Loud sex just makes me wait for the police to come arrest my ass. “Get off her, mandingo!”

Was Huell Howser Gay?

Years ago when I was working in the porn shop celebrities would come in a lot. There was another porn shop nearby that was very popular because it was prettier and shinier but had a bad reputation for secrecy. They would immediately sell your receipt to a magazine with all of your purchases which sucked. But the place I worked at was just a tad less shady and was good at keeping quiet. You could come in and buy poppers, glass pipes, and dildos with no fear of the public knowing. Well, I don’t work there anymore so I don’t mind mentioning some people, particularly this one since he passed away last month.

Huell Howser used to come into the porn shop and rent gay porn. Particularly Marine porn. Yes, that is a thing. If there is clown porn you should just assume that there is Marine porn. Now when I first met Huell I didn’t recognize him. He looked just like every other old, White guy wearing shades at 6am that I’d seen. It didn’t help that he never smiled.

Not once.

Sex Swing Is Not My Thing

I like regular sex. Call me dull or whatever but increasing the chances of getting injured while getting my groove on is not something that I find enjoyable. So when I see things like the sex swing I get nervous. These things go from $39 all the way to over $300! Pretty sure this contraption isn't the kinda thing you'd wanna cheap out on. End up having your dick snapped in three because you wanted to save some cash. You do not just sit at home and wonder what its like to swing in the air while having sex. Plus, I hate being restrained. You would really have to trust someone to put you in this properly and believe that they wont leave you up there swinging like a dumbass while they clean out your place. I don't even know how you come up with the idea to try something like this but it had to have started on some poor innocent playground in the middle of the night.