Porn Tales 13

Back at the porn shop there was this old Latino guy that worked there and stuck out like a sore thumb. This horrible woman that worked there knew him and when he came in I thought he was lost. There was nothing pervy about him and he could barely speak English. I thought I was either being pranked or that the manager just didn’t give a fuck anymore and was hiring anyone that walked through the door. Which has happened. We did have customers end up being the counter.

I can’t help train the guy because he can only understand a few things I say so the training was left to the horrible woman. Now, this woman did not have what one would call a good work ethic. So by the time this guy is done being “trained” he can rent you a movie or do anything that requires you handing him money and saying bye. He ended up working the late shift (5pm to 2am) which was the devil’s shift. You’d get everyone from the gay bar coming in drunk, fighting, and yelling at people to get them to leave the store when it was closing time.

Celebrity Sex Tape Reviews Part 1

Celebrity sex tapes are a weird thing. They will either make you smile or ruin your Spank Bank. The first one I ever saw made me feel uncomfortable because it wasn't even really a sex tape. I'm gonna just start with my reviews of these before I blow my load. Ha! Get it?! Blow my...? Nevermind.

Pam & Tommy Lee Hardcore

This was the first celebrity sex tape I had ever seen and one of the few to actually feature what could be called a “celebrity.” Now anyone that has been on TV is a celebrity and make fake sex tapes for attention. This tape is weird because it really seems like this never was meant to get out. They don't try anything fancy looking or use great angles. Its just them hanging out and fucking all over the place. You find out that Tommy Lee has a huge dick and Pam Anderson looks just as good naked as she does clothed. This tape flew off the shelves at the porn shop and rightfully so. You get to watch a sex kitten and a rock star fucking on tape. And its for real tape. There was nothing digital about this. This is for real's bootleg ass VHS tape.

Know Your Porn Stars: Buck Angel

This is Buck Angel. Years ago when I worked at the porn shop we got a movie in and I was so confused as to why so many people were asking for it before it even came in. I'd seen a picture of him and thought “Okay, its just some biker dude. Must be his first time taking it in the ass.” Yes, that was a very huge reason for customers wanting to see a movie as some porn stars are just tops (meaning they are always the fucker, not the fuckee). But a co-worker, once the tapes arrived (Cirque Noir), showed me why everyone was clamoring to see Buck fuck.

Buck has a vagina.

This is not a man that went out and got surgery to attain a vagina. Buck was born a woman and decided after a lot of turmoil to undergo procedures including hormone therapy to become a man...with a vagina.

How Big Is Too Big?

Big dicks are like clowns. Either funny or terrifying. Men take pills and get surgery in the hopes that they can get a few extra inches that God didn't see fit to give them. The pills don't actually make it any bigger and the surgery can only give you a few extra inches before you get into dangerous territory where you'll end up with this floppy nonsense between your legs. No, not your date. Besides surgery or pills there are cock rings and penis pumps but those are just temporary fixes for the issue which is you aren't comfortable with the size of your junk.

I have heard many women talk about a guy that had a very small penis and even when they are 85 years old they will sit and laugh at the guy that was 3 inches erect. Then there are the women that talk about the guy that was so big that they dare not allow him inside of them. How about a guy that is 8 inches...flaccid?

The Dreaded Mangasm

There's something that accidentally happens sometimes when you watch porn. Its a chance you have to take unless you watch POV porn. Its the mangasm. This is one of the biggest problems facing porn and it needs to be taken care of. I've talked about it once before when I was discussing glory holes. Some people describe it as something excited that is exclusively for men like cars and shit. That's silly. Plenty of women love cars and men only get nice cars because women like nice looking cars. Dave Chappelle said it once so its true.

When I talk about a mangasm I am talking about that terrible moment when you are watching porn and when you are about to release the hounds suddenly the camera decides to focus on the look on the man's face as he is finishing. Its a terrible moment in your life and totally fucks up your orgasm.

You Put What Where?

I was talking to a friend about objects getting stuck in asses and how they got there after reading a story about a man sneaking a loaded gun into jail by using his butt purse on my last Rosscast. I don't care if someone wants to have their ass used for a good time until it gets to the point where they start jamming crap that is just laying around up there. There are times where I get hurt and wonder if something embarrassing happened would I go to the doctor or not.

I like to think I would but I had a bladder infection once years ago and it took my six months of living in knee buckling pain before I did it. Going to the doctor is never fun. They poke you and ask you questions that you never want to answer honestly. Plus there are sick people all over the place! Yes, I have worked at a hospital two times. Just the idea of ending up with something in me that I cant get out makes me cringe. So while it is stupid I am pretty sure that if I got, let's say, Buzz Lightyear stuck up my ass that I would just have to get used to being a bigger fan of Toy Story than you.

Porn Tales 12

In the porn shop we used to get defective tapes. I say tapes because DVD's came along much later. I would say about 95% of the time a customer brought a tape back because it didn't work that it meant that they were unhappy with the choice they made. I get it. There were lots of different reasons why people weren't happy with the porn they got. It was too short, not enough sex, or the guy that was on the cover didn't get fucked.

The line that everyone wanted to use and DVD's killed was “The tape is broke.” They would then mention how they tried it in three or four VCR's and it didn't work in any of them. Then I would pop it into the small, cheap ass TV/VCR we kept at the counter and sure enough it would work fine.

This is why I can say I have watched more gay porn than many straight men.

Pippi Longstocking In Porn?!

Pippi is doing porn! Well, the actress that played Pippi Longstocking in a terrible late 80's film is doing porn. Sort of. You see, the thing is, the actress, Tami Erin, says that she thinks that she was recorded by a guy she dated who secretly did it. This type is totally unauthorized and Erin is super pissed about it happening. When I first heard this story I was like “Oh, lord, no!” Those Pippi films cam out a very long time ago and the idea of seeing that woman having sex terrified me like you couldn't imagine. 

My problem is that I have a very vivid imagination and when people say things to me I picture it quickly (which is why I stopped asking girlfriends how many people hey have had sex with). Thankfully, this was the new lame Pippi, not the awesome old one.

Let The Man Teach!

Isn’t it old yet? You know, being homophobic? Acting like gay people are this new, strange creation that hasn’t been around since the dawn of mankind? At St. Lucy’s Priory High School in Glendora, CA, now former teacher Ken Bencomo has been relieved of his duties after a story of his wedding to his partner and now husband Christopher Persky were published in a newspaper.

Bencomo has worked for the school for 17 years and many are saying that his sexuality has been known for quite some time. This has not been a secret he has kept from the staff. I doubt he would walk into the break room talking about all the gay sex he just had the previous night like how some straight people do and you know who you are. It just didn’t become an issue until it became very public. Hmm. Doesn’t that sound familiar?

The U.S Supreme Court now allows same sex couples to get married here in California and they did what was their legal right to do. Obviously he didn’t think he was wrong in doing so.

Want A C-String?

I know that I am not the target demographic when  people are looking for things that are considered sexy. But I know what is weird. And this thing called the c-string is weird and not sexy. This isn’t your grannies g-string. Please. G-string? That is so 1995 of you. Its all about new letters of the alphabet being shoved in between your ass crack. I don’t know why this is even a real thing but it is and that’s why I have to let those of you that don’t know about it aware of its existence. Because I can just picture you at the club and taking someone home and all of a sudden you see this new space age thing hanging from their crotch. I’m doing a community service by writing this. This thing seems to attach to your crotch and ass at the same time through what I assume is magic.

Idol Thoughts

Back at the porn shop I’ve met celebrities before ranging from D-List actors to actually music royalty like Elton John. They came in buying everything from poppers, to videos that were terribly overpriced, to just regular magazines. One day while sitting at the counter minding my business when this thin blond haired dude came up to the counter and started talking to me. He wasn’t weird or pervy or anything. He was nice. So we’re just talking about nothing exciting and “Dancing With Myself” came on the radio and he chuckled. I was like “Okay…” and he bought some stuff with his credit card and I rang him up and he said “Cheers” and left. After he left I had a total Kaiser Soze moment and looked at his receipt. It said William Broad on it and I was like okay its not him because his name is…William? Oh. So yeah. I met Billy Idol while working at the porn shop and didn’t realize it until he was gone and felt like an idiot. I still do. Idol is awesome.

Strange Love

Coulrophobia is a fear of clowns. I have no fear of them. I just find them annoying. Some people like clowns. I mean they really like clowns. Working in the porn shop I was exposed to a lot of strange porn. One of the strangest is clown porn. I got this definition from Urban Dictionary so who knows how true it is. Seems legit to me. “During the 1980's in the San Francisco area, the practice of 'clowning' became popular. In clowning, sexual partners would don clown make-up and other clown accessories before and during various sex acts. This generally gratifies a playful and silly side of one's sexuality.”

Porn Tales 11

There is a door that always leads to the nastier stuff when you work in a porn shop. Some places have a curtain which is just gross. You know no one takes that thing down and washes it. Some places have double doors that have been touched by more hands than a Super Bowl champion. At the one I worked at there was a frosted door that was hanging on by a thread. From my first day there I knew that one day that damned thing would fall down and make a really loud sound. Well, one day it did fall and I missed the whole thing much like when the ceiling collapsed.

Oh, and it hit someone in their face.

There was this guy that got shitcanned for giving this same guy a ton of discounts on cigarettes and god knows what else (read that here). So the damned door collapsed and smacked him right across the eye and cracked his glasses and gave him a black eye that eventually turned purple and red. Shit looked terrible. The first thing I thought was “How is he gonna explain what happened to his friends and family?” I mean, if my friends saw me looking like I just had a 12 round bout with Mike Tyson they would have a ton of questions. This guy just showed up the next day and got some free rentals for his trouble.

Girls Gone Broke

Girls Gone Wild has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy with over $16 million is claims. The douche nozzle, Joe Francis, who started the series but no longer owns it, has a huge gambling problem and is being hit up for $10 million. In a statement the company said “re-structure its frivolous and burdensome legal affairs.“ Girls Gone Wild, or GGW for us cool kids, was one of the reasons I was excited to work at the porn shop. I didn’t have to order this shit like some pervert or watch the censored commercials at home at 3 in the morning. I don’t know if you’ve seen these but they are a huge let down to my penis. Its like watching what it is. Guys begging drunk girls to flash their tits for an hour. Seriously. That is all this series is.

Racist Gentitals

Years ago I started to suspect that my penis was a racist and after hours of research…okay. Fine. Minutes of research, I’ve realized that its true. I can not for whatever reason watch Asian men having sex. I don’t know if its because of the sounds they make or if its because they sound like characters from cartoons I like boning. But I just cant handle it. Literally. In a lot of Japanese porn the chicks sound like they’re getting murdered when they have sex and I’ve always wondered if that translates over to real life. I’ve never had sex with an Asian so I can neither confirm nor deny that this is a thing. Loud sex just makes me wait for the police to come arrest my ass. “Get off her, mandingo!”

Was Huell Howser Gay?

Years ago when I was working in the porn shop celebrities would come in a lot. There was another porn shop nearby that was very popular because it was prettier and shinier but had a bad reputation for secrecy. They would immediately sell your receipt to a magazine with all of your purchases which sucked. But the place I worked at was just a tad less shady and was good at keeping quiet. You could come in and buy poppers, glass pipes, and dildos with no fear of the public knowing. Well, I don’t work there anymore so I don’t mind mentioning some people, particularly this one since he passed away last month.

Huell Howser used to come into the porn shop and rent gay porn. Particularly Marine porn. Yes, that is a thing. If there is clown porn you should just assume that there is Marine porn. Now when I first met Huell I didn’t recognize him. He looked just like every other old, White guy wearing shades at 6am that I’d seen. It didn’t help that he never smiled.

Not once.

Sex Swing Is Not My Thing

I like regular sex. Call me dull or whatever but increasing the chances of getting injured while getting my groove on is not something that I find enjoyable. So when I see things like the sex swing I get nervous. These things go from $39 all the way to over $300! Pretty sure this contraption isn't the kinda thing you'd wanna cheap out on. End up having your dick snapped in three because you wanted to save some cash. You do not just sit at home and wonder what its like to swing in the air while having sex. Plus, I hate being restrained. You would really have to trust someone to put you in this properly and believe that they wont leave you up there swinging like a dumbass while they clean out your place. I don't even know how you come up with the idea to try something like this but it had to have started on some poor innocent playground in the middle of the night.

Can A Pornstar Be A Teacher?

Should a porn star be allowed to teach children? That is the question I've been asking myself ever since I heard about this story about a porn actress that goes by the name of Tiffany Six. Her actual name is Stacie Halas and I'm still not sure if she were doing both at the same time though I'm confident she is since she was stupid enough to mention in a porno that she was afraid of being found out at some point. Another reason why I hate interviews in pornos. Dumbass. She was a science teacher at Richard B. Haydock Intermediate School in Oxnard. School officials were made aware of her outside activities by some horndog ass students. Seriously. Why isn't anyone investigating whose kid is watching hardcore porn? And I mean hardcore. This woman does everything!

Jeff Chancer, superintendent of the Oxford school district and who seems to have a porn name (mine is Prince Manchester by the way) said “Maybe it's not a crime as far as the penal code is concerned, but we feel it's a crime as far as moral turpitude is concerned.” Oh, don't be so suburban. Three kids say they saw her in a film and fr whatever reason ratted her out. You let me find out that one of my teachers was a porn star and I would've milked that shit for all its worth. I would've never been home before sundown! Oh, so much statutory going on! I can think of two teachers offhand right now!

Food Porn Bothers Me

Can you believe that Rachael Ray looked like this at one time? I actually bought that issue because of it I had such a crush on her. I doubt I could listen to her talk for more than ten minutes but she's nice to look at. You know what isn't? Food and porn. I got to thinking about this after a friend asked what was the weirdest porn I'd ever seen and I immediately thought of food porn. Now, when you look up the term “food porn” you get lots of images of fancy looking food or food that looks like assholes, penises, or vagina’s. What I mean by food porn is when people have sex and cover themselves with messy ass food.

Ever since I can remember I've had a problem watching the combination of food and porn. I can barely stomach watching someone make out while I eat anything. This is from someone that used to move dead bodies for a living. I'm sure there's some answer that if I dug far enough into my childhood that could explain it but I also know that there's some rabbit holes you just don't go down.