The Queer Dilemma

Living in West Hollywood I’m surrounded by homosexuals. I’ve worked with some, live in the same building as some, and am related to some. I have never had a problem with guys liking other guys. Hell, it meant less competition as far as I was concerned. I was never like " Ew, you like dudes?!" I just didn't care.

I never understood why so many other people did either. To me it never mattered who someone slept with. It wasn't like I was watching them fuck. The people that live above me could be fucking plants and I couldn't care less. So why do others? Fuck whoever you like except kids.

Its not like I grew up in a super tolerant household. It was quite the opposite. But I’m a natural dissenter. I cant just follow the way people behave or think just because they tell me to. I’ve always asked questions and questioned authority.

Butt Booty Ass Naked

“Naturism or nudism is a cultural and political movement practicing, advocating and defending social nudity in private and in public. It may also refer to a lifestyle based on personal, family and/or social nudism.”

Nope. None of you know the pain I go through looking for images for this blog. Google “nudist” and you too shall experience fear. The idea of people walking around in public naked bothers me. Not just because the people that love this kinda thing shouldn’t be doing it. Mostly because I just don’t like looking at most people completely naked. It makes me nervous.

Enhance Your Talent

“In March 2006, following thousands of consumer complaints to the Better Business Bureau, Federal agents raided Berkeley facilities, gathering material that resulted in a 112-count criminal indictment. The company's founder and CEO, Steve Warshak, and his mother, Harriet Warshak, were found guilty of conspiracy to commit mail fraud, bank fraud, and money laundering, and in September 2008 were sentenced to prison and ordered to forfeit $500 million in assets. The convictions and fines forced the company into bankruptcy, and in December 2008 its assets were sold for $2.75 million to investment company Pristine Bay, which continued operations.”

Bet that wiped the smile off of Bob’s face. This is the guy from those Enzyte commercials that used to promises you a larger penis. Hell. They not only promised you that in those commercials. They made it seem as if you could play sports better, cook more food, and every housewife in the neighborhood would want to nail you because you have a giant penis. I believe them.

Wrap It Up

Did you know that there’s a condom made by Louis Vuitton that cost $68. That is not a typo. Who in their goddamn mind would pay that much money for a condom? You can only use it once. Unless you’re a cheapskate. Which I totally would be if I paid that much for some boning action. Its cheaper to just pay someone to bang than it is to buy this thing. I would rinse that sumbitch out and use it again. Call me gross but whatever. That’s a lot for a condom. If someone whips this bad boy out they are either showing off or an asshole. Maybe a bit of both. I like condoms. When dudes say “I cant feel anything when I wear one” I cant believe they get away with it. Sex feels too good. Every. Single. Time. It doesn’t ever not feel good. Thank god for condoms.

Here Come The Twinks

Wikipedia says that a "Twink is a gay slang term describing a young or young-looking gay man (18–23 age category) with a slender, ectomorph build, little or no body hair, and no facial hair. In some societies, the term chick or chicken is preferred. The related term twinkle-toes, which implies that a man is effeminate, tends to be used in a derogatory manner. The terms can be complimentary or pejorative…a twink is ‘memorable for his outer packaging‘, not his ‘inner depth’.”

I’ve mentioned before that one of the things I like about gay people is the fact that they have types. I think it makes life so much easier when you can say “This is the only thing I am into and all I shall pursue.” I could totally be a twink if it wasn’t for this body fat and stupid facial hair. Oh and the whole not being into dudes thing. That gets in the way as well. I usually see twinks here in West Hollywood during the spring and summer. They come out of nowhere and travel in packs cruising for some action. Here’s how I see twinks. Picture the most annoying gay kid you knew in school. Okay. Got it? Now picture him being around 19 years old and still acting the same. Loud, obnoxious, and thinking they are all that. Maybe I’m wrong. I doubt it but maybe I am.

Porn Tales 10

While talking to The Munkey I was reminded of a time when the porn shop was surrounded by cops. Let me explain how this started. I was at the counter sitting on my ass and wondering what I was doing with my life when the owner shows up and starts dicking around with the security switch. I watched him with the same amount of interest as a dog watching its owner pick up its poop. So he leaves and a minute or so later the phone rings and I answer it with as much gusto as one can at 8am with the smell of poppers behind me.

Plug It In, Plug It In...

“A butt plug is a sex toy designed to be inserted in the anus and rectum for sexual pleasure, In some ways, they are similar to a dildo, but they tend to be shorter, and must have a flanged end to prevent the device from being lost inside the rectum.”

There are so many different types of these things. They come in sizes that range from “That’s Not So Bad” to “I Don’t Care Anymore!” I always apply my thoughts on life to sex toys and with this I ask myself “What about when you’re old?” I imagine that people that use these in ginormous form don’t give a damn about worrying for their future asshole.

All Tied Up

“BDSM is an erotic preference and a form of sexual expression involving the consensual use of restraint, intense sensory stimulation, and fantasy power role-play. The compound acronym BDSM is derived from the terms bondage and discipline (B&D or B/D), dominance and submission (D&S or D/s), and sadism and masochism (S&M or S/M). BDSM includes a wide spectrum of activities, forms of interpersonal relationships, and distinct subcultures.”

People like bondage. Not me. Reminds me of slavery. I wont even let someone get freaky and pull out some handcuffs. Which is funny because I own a pair but they are for my movies. Hmm. That sounds worse. I don’t trust anyone enough to handcuff me. I just assume that they will start tickling the hell out of me which is funny for a second but then I Hulk Out and get mad. But there are plenty of pornos and magazines that feature people being tied up in ways that don’t seem fun nor sexy. Lots of times it just seems painful as hell. If you hit me when I’m horny the last thing I’m gonna do is ask for more.

Porn Shop Etiquette

As many of you know by now, I worked in a porn shop for years. Closer to a decade than not. I felt like compiling a list of things that you should not do when entering a porn shop since from my first day to my last I experienced these situations with customers and it never failed to bother me. Share this with your friends as well because one can never know enough about how to behave in a porn shop. At least that’s what I would tell myself. And by the way, this goes for entering any establishment where you may have your mind blown. Hopefully just your mind…

Gloryhole Or Gory Hole?

Its rare that something can be amazing and terrifying at the same time. When I see a gloryhole I imagine its what Moses felt like when he saw the Burning Bush. Probably said the same thing too. “That’s impossible! But I must get closer…” I mean, it’s a sex hole. That used to be my name when I was a stripper. You don’t know who is on the other side and they don’t know who you are. You just stick your business in and hopefully get it back when you’re done. I’m not brave enough to stick my junk into a mystery boning hole. Maybe I’m missing out.

Wikipedia describes it as “…a hole in a wall, or other partition, often between public lavatory stalls or adult video arcade booths for people to engage in sexual activity or observe the person in the next cubicle while one or both parties masturbate. The partition maintains anonymity. Body parts including fingers, tongue and penis may be used for anonymous oral, vaginal and/or anal intercourse.”

Don't Feed The Bears

There’s a big guy walking towards you. About 6 foot 4. Close to 300lbs. And he wants your sweet virgin ass! He’s what is known in the community (I’ve lived in West Hollywood for 14 years, damn it, I can say community!) as a Bear. I remember when I would see bear magazines when I slanged porn and wondered who would be attracted to such hairy men. Then I looked down at my smooth chest and shook my head in rage at the puberty that never occurred in my life. Seriously, my chest is as smooth as the palm of my hand. Its horrible. There were titles like Bear Magazine, 100% Beef Magazine, Bear, and Butch Bear. None of you will ever know the horror I suffered to find the pictures I do for this blog...

Wikipedia describes them as “Bears are heavy-set men and are often characterized as having hairy bodies and facial hair; some are also muscular; some attempt to project an image of rugged masculinity in their grooming and appearance, though none of these are requirements or unique indicators. Some bears place importance on presenting a hypermasculine image and may shun interaction with, and even disdain, men who exhibit effeminacy. The bear concept can function as an identity, an affiliation, and there is ongoing debate in bear communities about what constitutes a bear, however a consensus exists that inclusion is an important part of the bear community.”

Porn vs. The Real World

This is the Donkey Punch. Ever heard of it? If you have then you’re a big old pervert and need to go to church. Wikipedia lists it as a “…sexual practice supposedly performed during anal or vaginal sex. The purported practice involves the penetrating partner punching the receiving partner in the back of the head or neck (what is known in boxing as a rabbit punch, after a technique to kill rabbits). The alleged goal is to cause the receiving partner's anal passage to tense up, thereby increasing the pleasure of the penetrating partner.”

This is one of many reasons why chicks and some dudes (that live on Mars or something) hate porn. They think guys watch this stuff and end up thinking that chicks are into the crazy shit they see in them. I never believed this but have heard it enough times to write about it. Hopefully this will soothe people’s nerves and stop anyone dumb enough to believe what they see in porn.

Not My Little Pony!

We used to sell magazines featuring people who liked to dress up like animals and ride each other. Not even sexually. Like, some dude would have a chick in full body leather and then just sit on them or have a full carriage and have a bunch of them pulling them around. I mean, I get some fetishes. Even if I don’t I can somewhat understand why it could be hot. But this? Nope. If I had the ability to have more than one woman willing to do some strange shit for me the last thing I would do is dress her up or make her work. And the chicks that are usually into this sort of thing are not really the kinda dame I would get all hot and bothered over in the first place. Allow me to present Exhibit A.

Pump, Pump, Pump It Up!!!

There was a huge assortment of penis pumps at the porn shop. I had heard of them before I started working there but had never seen one in person. They look pretty damn simple. A cylinder, a pump, and the will and courage to stick your junk into something that looks like it takes your blood pressure. I’d imagine a belief in a forgiving god as well since you couldn’t pay me to try one of these things out. Fuck that. I have too much to live for.

Wikipedia describes it as “…penis pump is a cylinder that is fitted over the penis, with a manual or motorized pump to create suction. As the apparatus creates a partial vacuum around the penis, blood is drawn into the penis, helping it to become engorged. As vacuum increases, the difference between the inner blood pressure and the pump pressure increases as well; excessive pressure causes vascular damage rather than a harder penis.”

The F@#k Machine

Some men are really intimidated by women using sexual devices. Things like vibrators and such make some men feel like they aren’t as useful or cant get the job done. If you are one of those types of guys then you should probably stop reading because I am about to bring you to a beast. Introducing The Fuck Machine. I love that there’s no better name to come up with it. The name leaves no room for misinterpretation. “I wonder what it does…” It’s a machine that fucks you! The one pictured is pretty much how all of them look. It has a remote control that has multiple settings that go from “Low” all the way up to “I Regret Nothing!!!”

The Gay Bar

I often tell my friends about all the crazy nonsense that happens at the gay bar across the street. Its called The Gold Coast. That name brings to mind images of bright light, fun, and good times. Sadly I’ll never experience the joys inside this place. There was a story in an LA Times blog about this place in which they talked about dive bars and they included The Gold Coast. This place is past a dive bar. If you’re here you’ve already fallen.

The Gypsies

I typed in “gypsy” in Google and this is one of the first images to show up. Oddly enough this actually looks just like one of the people in the family of gypsies that have occupied my, ahem, fair city ever since I start living here. When I first started working in the porn shop I was told by a manager to “watch them.” It didn’t take long for me to figure out why.

They had a whole routine that they would do. Let me set the scene for you. Mom would come in (full head wrap and everything) and head for the snacks. Yes there were snacks in the porn shop. She would linger at the snacks while her son and daughter would scramble like fighter jets and head to the magazines. And like there was a silent whistle they would depart at the same time. Couldn’t prove anything yet but you knew the store was looted.

Ten Years Ago Today

This is from a blog I wrote last year today. Its strange when you can know exactly what you were up to a decade ago on one particular day since I sometimes have trouble remembering what I was doing last Wednesday at this time. September 11th 2001 was a very bizarre and tragic day and this is a tale of what I was doing that day. I have added a few extra details just for readers of this blog.

On September 11th 2001 the World Trade Center was destroyed. Every time there is some kind of disaster everyone always asks each other, “Where were you when…?” There aren’t that many thankfully to ask during my lifetime. I wasn’t alive when Kennedy or MLK were killed. I ask or get asked “Where were you when the Northridge quake happened?” “Where were you when the L.A Riots happened?”

These kind of questions always have some cool kinda response. During the Northridge quake I was sleeping because it was MLK day and that shit happened early in the morning. During the L.A Riots my mother wouldn’t let us go out and loot meaning me and my brother were the only kids to not have new smoked scented clothes when school was back in session. For the 9/11 attacks I was where many people were not.

Keep It On The Down Low

We all know or suspect someone of being on what is called the Down Low. I myself have been accused of being on the down low. I take it as flattering if someone believes that I can be in a relationship with a man and a woman at the same time. If only I had that much stamina! But seriously, most dudes look like monkeys to me. The guy in the picture is Jonathon Plummer, the inspiration for the book and movie How Stella Got Her Groove Back. And we all know how that ended. Oh, you don’t?

“McMillan married Jamaican Jonathan Plummer in 1998; she was in her mid 40s and he in his early 20s. He was the inspiration for the love interest of the main character in her novel How Stella Got Her Groove Back. Her life did not follow the movie when in December 2004, Plummer told McMillan that he was gay; in March 2005, she filed for divorce. The divorce was settled for an undisclosed amount. In March 2007, McMillan sued Plummer and his lawyer for $40 million, citing an intentional strategy to embarrass and humiliate her during the divorce proceedings; McMillan eventually won a judgement of intentional infliction of emotional distress, but had withdrawn the suit before the case went to trial; Plummer was never ordered to pay the intended amount.”

Porn Tales 9

There was this blue eyed Black dude I worked with. His eyes were not actually blue. He did it so his face would “pop.” Oh, and pop he did. This guy was a frigging weirdo of the highest order. He was one of those people that whatever you did he also did but did it with famous people watching who wanted nothing more than to make him famous.

I started calling him “Walker: Texas Stranger.” Well, because his name was Walker (turned out that was not true), he was from Texas (he said…), and he was strange. He showed up with his little sunglasses and blue eyes with a flattop and just thought he was the bees knees. Amongst his many talents one was baton twirling.

Meet The Model

I know on a few other blogs that I have brought the name The Model up but never explained exactly who the hell it or what it was. The Model is not only a person, The Model was an experience. And as we all know, not every experience is good.

I personally did not get to name The Model. He was given this name by the time I started working at the porn shop. To me he was just this weird guy who would walk in and laugh like a gay pirate and ask for matches. "Can I have some matchessssssss..?" Seriously, he would drag his S's for that long. And I would hand him matches. That is until shit started bursting into flames. I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me back up a little and explain the origin of one of the most infamous characters fro the porn shop.

Working With The Vampire

I worked with a vampire once. No, he wasn’t a real vampire. He was just this weird ass guy that they decided to hire at the porn shop one day. He was a cool enough guy. Just…weird. Now if I can call you weird in all seriousness then something is weird about you. When I had to train him I had my reservations. He was short, balding, had teeth that looked like L.A after The Riots of ‘92, and smelled like black liquorices.

Our first conversation during training didn’t help soothe my nerves in terms of his strangeness.

Thievery Abound!

That’s Simon Adebidi. No, he didn’t work at the porn shop. He’s a character from the show on HBO “Oz.” Damn I loved that show. You know why? Because it made me want to stay out of jail more than usual. Specifically because of people like Adebisi. Anyone known by just their last name in jail is bad. He raped dudes while listening to a Walkman.

And his hat never fell off.

Speaking of jail, because that’s what I planned on talking about before I got distracted by the thought of being ass raped by a large African man who fed people crushed glass, there were some folks that worked at the porn shop that stole like all get out. Yes, I use terms like “all get out.” Men, women, kinda one of each. Thieves. Here’s a few tales of some.

"When You're...Strange"

Lots of freaks came into the porn shop. No, I’m not talking about people that like peeing videos and fisting. No, I mean like for real’s legit shoot freaks. People that had deformities and stuff that were physically obvious and scary sometimes. Sometimes it was just someone that was bizarre as hell and didn’t know it for whatever reason.

There was Pretzel Man. This old dude that was sometimes called The Riddler because his spine was shaped like a question mark. He would stand in the porno magazines section for hours. That’s not a typo. Hours. This wasn’t something that was extraordinary. What was special about this guy was that his hearing aid didn’t work. It was let loose with this high pitched “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!” the entire time he was in the store. It was annoying but worth it to watch customers try and figure out where the sound was coming from.

Scabitha (like Tabitha but…scabby) would come in a couple times a week. He never started trouble with me but one of my co-workers and Scabitha would get into it every time they saw each other. Scabitha was this scrawny White dude that was…covered in scabs. He would come in and ask for matches or Advil. Yeah, we sold Advil. I would say no to him and that was it. But not my co-worker. This shit was magical.

Crazy White Guy

We tried to be creative when we made up names for some of the crazy ass people that came into the porn shop. Sometimes it was just easy (The Model, Red Riding Hood, The Gypsies). And sometimes someone was so messed up that the only name that fit was the most obvious one. Enter: Crazy White Guy.

I’m not sure if it was natural home grown crazy that affected this guy or if it was a combination of the wrong drugs. I’m thinking a little from column A. and a little from column B. This guy would hang out at Out Of The Closet and climb on their roof before the cops were called. If they were not he’d go to sleep. Then he run around the parking lot screaming and yelling at people before wandering into the porn shop and just acting bizarre. He wouldn’t yell in the store because I wouldn’t stand for that shit. But he’d eyeball people until they left.

One day a co-worker was walking past the counter and his eyes got wide and he bent down and picked up a small baggie. You know, like the kind people store weed in. The last person to be near that spot was Crazy White Guy. My co-worker got all excited.

Gas Or Ass?

“Ha ha. Very funny.”

Ah, these could’ve easily been my last words. Not very dramatic nor awe inspiring. I would prefer “Hey, look at this!” or “I did it…for Johnny…” One day, it was a Halloween years ago, I was off. I was laying in bed half awake half asleep because I used to do that back in the day. All of a sudden a bullhorn outside startles the hell out of me.

“Tenants in the building on My Street! Evacuate immediately! There is a gas leak!”

I said “Ha ha. Very funny” thinking it was a Halloween joke. So I threw the covers back over my head and cursed whoever the hell it was playing a joke when I wanted to stay in bed and watch The Price Is Right. How dare they ruin my day with their shenanigans?! A couple minutes later they repeat the announcement. I got pissed so I stepped into my hallway and took a sniff. Guess what I smelled?

Porn Tales 8

I had a manager at the porn shop that I couldn’t stand. Let’s call him Rick. Now Rick was a worry wart. You know, one of those people that act frantic in every situation and every little thing that happens is the biggest emergency to ever happen in the store. I hate frantic but even more than that I hate frantic with no action. If you’re gonna act like that then at least move! (sigh) Okay.

This dude was always ashy. Like always. I swear I heard him wash his hands in the bathroom and come out with them dryer than a turtles knuckles. Ash bothers me especially when it can be seen from a distance. Let me give you a few examples of this guy just to give you a taste of why I hated working with this guy so much I volunteered to do a split shift of like 9am to 1pm and coming back in the evening to work 8pm to midnight.

In the 7 years I worked at the porn shop I missed only three days of work. That’s gotta be some kinda record. One day my foot was so swollen that I couldn’t put my shoe on. I called a few hours before my shift to let him know that I couldn’t come in.

Ass Glass

Glass Dildos. That’s right, I said it. Those exist. Some of you are probably like “Yeah, and?” Well, these shouldn’t exist. They scare me. Not being, you know, attacked by one or anything. I don’t beef with anyone like that. But I remember when the porn shop first got these things and I knew they wouldn’t sell. I don’t care how pretty they look or how good the salesmen were that sold this crap I knew they would sit in the display collecting dust. Did you know you cant even buy dildos in the South? For reals.

Wikipedia describes these as “…glass dildos have similar features to steel ones. In most of the cases, glass toys are solid, and made of Pyrex or other types borosilicate glass although this may vary, depending on the manufacturer. Like steel, glass toys may be used to apply firmer pressure than silicone can to a female's G-spot or male's prostate gland. Unlike other types of toys, glass sex toys can also be personalized with inscriptions.”

Inscription? What the hell are you gonna put on it? “Mine!”? For those of you that know, the idea of glass in the booty is a terrible idea. I made a video watching me watching a guy with a jar that breaks in his ass (click all up in here to see me scream). The crazy thing about this is that you can heat or cool it. That’s right. I said heat or cool. Now, why in the blue hell would you want hot glass in your booty?!

Porn Tales 7

There was this nasty ass old man that used to come into the porn shop. He had been coming for years and ended up getting the name Overring from the employees. An over ring was a button pressed on the cash register that would cancel a sell when someone changed their mind on an item or in the case of Overring, when someone didn’t have enough cash.

Overring, for those of you that need a visual, looked like an overweight runaway slave. Yeah, I know that doesn’t make any sense. He always had this look on his face like any second a slave master was going to show up and whip his ass or something. When I tried to describe his scent on The Adam Carolla Show the only way I could do it was by saying “He smelled like a combination of a stuffy, hot kitchen where they cooked nothing but greasy food and armpit.” Seriously, he smelled really bad.

Crack Is Wack

Nothing like dealing with people that look like Judge Doom at 6am. There were a lot of items sold at the porn shop that I hated selling. From magazines where people dressed up like ponies and led each other around to poppers. But there was one item in particular I hated selling because I knew they would sell. I know that sounds weird but when the item was a glass pipe then it makes perfect sense.

Wikipedia describes it as “…a pipe made from a small glass tube, often taken from ‘Love roses’, small glass tubes with a paper rose that are promoted as romantic gifts. These are sometimes called stems, horns, blasters and straight shooters.”

We’d get these damned things delivered and they would sell out quickly. Now the problem with selling crack pipes is that people who smoke crack will buy them! And watching these people amble into the store that early in the morning was never fun. And you should have seen the look on people’s faces when we were sold out.

Spank Rags

As you all know porn shops sell porn magazines. Lots of porn magazines. We all know most of the basic straight ones like Playboy, Hustler, and Penthouse. The gay magazines have far more choices and break them down by height, hair, and size. Size of what? Take one damn guess. There was Mandate, Inches, Black Inches, Latin Inches, Jock, Freshmen, Men, Instinct, and Blueboy.

Lots of straight dudes would pose in these. They would even pose in magazines made for women (ha!) like Playgirl that I never in my damn life ever sold to a woman. People would come in for these magazines on delivery day. Some were more obsessive than others. There was this one dude in particular that would literally race into the store after calling. Yes, he would call to see if a magazine arrived. Here are two scenarios.

In And Out All Day

There was this dude that used to come to the porn shop all the damn time. He was a tall fair skinned Black dude with green eyes that looked high all the time. We never found out his name but we started calling him Boomerang. He got the name because he would come in and out the store all damned day. When I say all day I mean all day. From 8am until after I left work he would come in and out. Not once did he buy anything. He would just come in, check out other guys, and leave.

For a few minutes.

One day we got sick of his shit so we put a sign on the door that said “No In’s and Out’s.” We waited for him to arrive and he stopped right in front of the door, looked at the sign, and stood there thinking. He reached for the handle, licked his lips, and walked away. Everyone at the counter started laughing! Now he had to pick and choose when he would come in the store.

The day of Boomerang ended one day when he was spotted by someone who recognized him. He didn’t recognize him for any good reason. Boomerang had robbed him! The guy looks at Boomerang and Boomerang looks at him and bolts! He ran to the counter and asked me to call the cops.

Him:  “Can you call the police?”


Me: “Is it because of him (Boomerang)?”


Him: “Yeah! He stole my wallet!”

I called the cops and they arrived searching for him. We all went to the back window to watch the free show. Now, I like to think that if the cops were chasing me I would pick one direction and stick with it. But not Boomerang! He literally ran in circles around the block. He hopped fences faster than anyone I have ever seen in my life. He put Kenyans to shame!

He ended up getting cornered when my co-worker shouted to the cops in between puffing away on his cigarette “He’s over here!” The cops snatched his monkey ass u and he was gone for about a year until he reemerged thinner and more shameful looking. I haven’t seen him around the area in a while and can only imagine what he is up to. I heard him talking to a co-worker once about his kids. Yeah. Boomerang has kids!

Porn Tales 6

I worked with a cross dresser who will shall refer to as Shante. Once again me not seeing someone come in for an interview bit me in the ass. A large Black man dressed as a woman came in one morning to start training at the porn shop. I have no issues with cross dressers. I see them all the time and as long as they do it well its very whatever. Shante went overboard.

Daily.

So he…her…hmm. Shante comes in and its like a perfume bomb went off. I have a sensitive nose and this was like some form of torture. She…he…damn it. He, okay?! He had an assload of foundation on his face in an effort to cover up his stubble and a wig that was kept very well. I mean he really went the whole way. Even the voice.

The voice took the longest to get used to. He put on a voice like a Southern bell. He added the finger snapping and long nails and all that. Everyone liked Shante and he seemed to make customers flock to him. There was this one weird ass guy he knew that would come in every night and drive him home. Little Asian fella that would never say hello or anything and just stare at us at the counter until Shante arrived. I would just stare at him back until he looked at the chip rack. Everything was fine until one day some money came up missing.

Booty Juice

There are lots of ways to get wet. You can leave the house without an umbrella. Run through some sprinklers on a hot summer day. Or head to your local sex shop and buy some lube! There are lots of lubes for different things. Astro Glide, Wet, Eros, KY Jelly, and of course Boy Butter, which you see there. I swear when I first saw this at the porn shop I thought it was a joke. It even looks like butter which for some reason makes it seem even worse.

“I cant believe its not butter!”


“You will once you taste it!”

Porn Slanger Part 1

Yeah, that’s me from a while back. Maybe around 2005 or so in the porn shop acting a damn fool. I bet when you read these tales of horror you ask yourself “Self, how can I avoid suffering the same fate as you and spending 7 years slanging porn to various dregs of society?” Well, let me tell you. Get comfy ‘cause this is kinda long.

That’s what I wish she said.

Before I started working there I was working at Petco (“Where pets go!”) and reading scripts. Both of them were part time jobs and I needed some scratch! My ex at the time had a cousin that had worked there for years and said that they needed someone to work weekend mornings because no one wanted to do it. I was like, sure. I had only been in the porn shop once before then to see if they had wrestling magazines. They did but not the kind I wanted…

Trannyformers

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Porn Tales 5

There was this asshole I worked with at the porn shop. We’ll leave his name out of this in case one day he tweaks his way to this blog and drips makeup all over it. He had worked there well before I did and I couldn’t stand him. He would skate into work sweating his foundation off his face. I mean literally dripping off his face. He talked very wispy and was always fanning himself whether it was hot or cold. Know why?

He was on drugs!

There are two things that led to his magical downfall. One day I baked some cookies for everyone. Yes, I bake cookies and I bake them very well. I made some which would have fed about ten people. I come in the next day to get my Tupperware and ask a co-worker how the cookies were. She tells me this.

Her: “I didn’t get any.”


Me: “Huh?”


Her: “I didn’t get to try them.”


Me: “How is that even possible? There was a bunch.”


Her: “I think (tweaker) took them.”

Now this pissed me off because I hated the dude already and the fact that he took all them damned cookies was just fucking ridiculous. I found my Tupperware with one giant store bought cookie stuffed in there as replacement for the fact that in his drug fueled mind state he thought this was okay. I would have preferred an empty container. I had to have a conversation with my manager so I would not have to lay hands on this son of a bitch because seriously I would have grabbed him and shook the shit out of him.

The last straw happened when I wasn’t even at work. At his point I was working a split shift because I couldn’t stand working with a supervisor during the nights. So in between I went to the thrift store and found a TV for $25 and was walking past the back window when my manager stopped me.

Him:  “Wanna come to work early?”


Me: “No. Why?”


Him: “We had to fire (tweaker).”


Me: “Yay. I’ll be right back.”

Turns out he had fallen asleep while ringing up a customer up. Like for reals fell asleep standing up while scanning a porno for someone to rent. He got fired and came by to visit like a year later. I ignored the shit out of him. He said hello, I just looked at him and finished eating my Snicker bar.

Don’t do drugs, kids.

Porn Tales 4

“Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it…”

I use that quote from American Beauty because it was what I thought of  when this guy I worked with started crying for no damned reason. One day this guy started and I knew immediately that he wouldn’t last long. He was attractive, stupid, and a huge flirt. It took him a minute to realize I was drooling over a cover of Gear with Jessica Biel on the cover before he stopped flirting with me.

He would spend his lunch breaks doing push ups and pull ups near the back window to attract customers to come look at him. His mood was so back and forth. He would go from bionic horndog to silently moping around the store. I wanted him to pick a mood and stick with it. We were there to sell porn, damn it!

One day he just burst into tears. I don’t mean like weeping quietly while people walked past. No. He fucking full on family member died and he could’ve prevented it cried in the back room. You know, that awesome back room where all the action is? I hate watching dudes cry. I’ll admit, I am an ugly crier. So I stopped. But this dude was losing his mind so I did what any normal person in my position would do.

I sighed heavily.

He looked at me with tears streaming down his face. I cocked my eyebrow. He realized that he was dealing with a straight man with the emotional capacity of a Terminator and rolled his eyes and went back to work. He acted like nothing ever happened, even the next day. About two weeks later he was gone. I discussed this with a co-worker.

Me: “What happened to American Beauty?”


Him: “Who?”


Me: “American Beauty. Dude who cried for no reason.”


Him: (laughter)


Me: “Sometimes there’s so many push ups in the world…and I…” (pretends to weep) “…I feel like my hearts gonna explode!”


Him: “I think he quit.”


Me: “How come people don’t get fired for being fucking weirdoes?”


Him: “Because you wouldn’t have a job.”


Me: “Swallow me.”


Him: “Ooh, daddy!”


Me: “I don’t like you.”

Stump

Before you read this know that this is about a very messed up porno. I have seen some honked up stuff, but this takes the cake. Stop reading now if you are eating.

One day a tape arrived. A tape unlike any other porno tape ever seen by human eyes. I didn’t think a tape like this would exist. I mean, I know people do some pretty jacked up stuff, but this tape right here? This tape right here?! This tape is wrong for far too many reasons. The name of the tape.

Stump.

Now what do you think this porno featured? It wasn’t about people banging in the forest. It also was not about people getting sexy while not being able to answer questions. It was about people being fucked by a stumped leg! The “If the cover is bad don’t look at the back” rule applies 100% to this movie.

When I first saw it listed on the invoice I thought it was a joke. Sadly, I had been exposed to so much wrong that the first thing I gathered was “Amputee porn?” Yes, I was that corrupted. It was also pretty expensive. Most gay porn went for an average of $49.95. So I pick up the box to make a rental of it and looked at the cover. I looked at my co-worker and shook my head.

Me: “This cant be.”


Him: “But it is!”


Me: “This is fucking terrible.”


Him: “Don’t turn it over.”


Me: “But I have to…”


Him: “You shouldn’t.”


Me: “I know. But I will.”


Him: “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”


Me: “Uh-huh.” (flips over cover and drops tape) “Why didn’t you tell me not to turn it over?!”


Him: “What?!”

You haven’t experienced fear and horror until you see a thigh in someone’s ass. This wasn’t someone sticking a cut off arm in an ass. It was a leg. A giant human leg! When people would bring it to the counter I would just sigh a little bit and ring it up. Some people wouldn’t even make eye contact with me. Some would proudly slap it on the counter like “Don’t judge me.” Oh, but judge I did. Its like finding out that your friend is a huge fan of Ke$ha. You can still talk to them but do you really want to?

Fist Anyone?

Fisting terrifies me. As much stuff as people are into sexually the idea of putting my fist (my large fist) into someone or someone putting their fist into me is 100% scary. Its one of those things where I think you have to be at a point in your life where you just don’t give a damn anymore. Its not something that can even happen by accident like anal sex. Yes, it can happen!

Wikipedia describes fisting as “Fisting (sometimes called handballing) is a sexual activity that involves inserting a hand into the vagina or rectum. Once insertion is complete, the fingers either naturally clench into a fist or remain straight. In more vigorous forms of fisting, such as "punching", a fully clenched fist may be inserted and withdrawn slowly. Fisting may be performed with or without a partner.”

Urbandictionary describes it as “…the act or art of putting a fist in an ass or vagina, very popular practice among more evolved (kinky) gays. Requires great care and huge amounts of lubrication.”

You have no idea how much spell checking went into correcting that last definition. I saw a fisting film once. I didn’t wanna. I walked into one. Seriously. Some customer brought a tape back and two chicks that were working at the counter were giggling and laughing at something. I like a good laugh as much as anyone. I walk up to the counter all happy until I see what’s on the screen. Some dude has his arm elbow deep in another man’s ass. Let me repeat that so it sinks in. Pun very much intended.

Elbow deep.

So of course I had to share this pain with a co-worker, the other straight guy that worked with me. I kinda warned him what was on the screen. Kinda.

Me: “Dude, something bad is happening at the counter.”


Him: “What?”


Me: “A jacked up porno.”


Him: “How so?”


Me: “Fisting.”

I probably should’ve told him that it was dudes. He rushes up there and I see his knees actually buckle like someone punched him in the jaw. He clutched the counter and looked at me with wide eyes and three shades lighter. “You fucker…” was all he could say to me before wobbling back to his room.

The messed up thing was that the guy getting rammed wasn’t even hard. And how can an arm be that far up and not have things, uh, moved where they shouldn’t be? How?!

Porn Tales 3

There was once this guy named John that worked at the porn shop. A lot of guys named John worked there actually. This is the tale of Drunk John. Now, John was about 5’3”, maybe 110lbs. He had a few teeth left in his mouth. Stringy dirty hair. He wore a sports coat and jacked up shoes. And to top it all off?

Assless white jeans.

Yes, assless white jeans. I didn’t see him come in for his interview because if I did I would have been like “Hell no!!!” So imagine my pleasure when he came in to start training. I didn’t notice the jeans until he bent over to grab his backpack and I saw his spotted, wrinkled ass. My eyes started burning and I left the counter and went to the backroom to discuss this with a manager.

Me: “He ain’t got no pants.”


Him: “What?”


Me: “Dude ain’t got no ass on his pants.”


Him: “Huh?”


Me: “He is wearing 90% of pants! And he got no draws on!”


Him: “Yes, he does.”


Me: “Watch.”

And he saw and gagged. Someone said he was actually homeless and felt bad for him so he was hired. Nope. The porn shop became a work release program apparently. He got the name Drunk John because, well, he drank. A lot.

It became super apparent one morning when I came into work and noticed that absolutely nothing had been done during the graveyard shift. I checked the security camera and saw Drunk John grab his backpack and vanish into the bathroom. He then emerged fifteen minutes later holding a cup and smiling his toothless ass off.

Moments later he grabbed a mop. I thought he was finally gonna do something. Nope. He mopped the cement floor in the back, brought a fan in to dry it, laid out some newspaper, and laid down and slept for the next five hours. He then woke up, stretched, and I arrived for work a few minutes later. This turned out to be the last straw and Drunk John was released. I got to see his ID (which had an address) and found out he was 35. The one thing I missed when he was gone and we continued doing years after he was going was this weird gasp/breathing after he drank something. You know the sound you make after you drink something that is stronger than you expected?

“Aaaaagggghhh…”

Yeah. That.

5 Horrifying Things You Didn't Know About Porn Shops

First off I need to thank Josh Smith for giving me this idea. I have made a list of five things that you may or may not know about porn shops. Some of them are bad and some of them are…fucking terrifying. So the next time you head to grab some porn (which means you don’t have the internet and makes me wonder how you are reading this) think of these five things.

1. The Customers Are Scary

This seems like a given but whatever bad things you can think of people doing in public, its three times as bad. The customers will hit on you. They will try to talk to you. They will try to touch you. And you know the messed up part? You cant hit them without getting in trouble! But you can still say whatever the hell you want. But some of them like that so don’t get too fierce. “Punish me, master!” You know The Island Of Misfit Toys? Its like that. With people.

2. Your Co-Workers Are Scarier Than The Customers

At most jobs you can take comfort in the fact that no matter how shitty the job is, you can share your experiences with your fellow employees. Nope. I have worked with people who cried for no reason, multiple meth addicts, alcoholics, sexual deviants, homeless people, trannies, cross dressers, closeted homosexuals, people with anger issues, masturbators, and thieves. So many thieves. And then there’s the management. Imagine everything I just wrote but add more pay and more power.

3. You Will Clean Fluids

I have mopped up blood. I have watched bleach soak into fluids I could not identify and cause nothing to happen. I have seen bathroom floors so wet that I thought someone had just mopped. The mop was dry. The mop was dry! I once had to mop up blood and bile because the police fucked someone up the night before and the night shift didn’t want to clean it. Its not always semen you have to watch out for in porn.

4. Nothing Happens In The Back Room

People here about so much debauchery in the back room of porn shops. Nothing happens back there but work. There is more work there than at the front counter. Before I worked at a porn shop I was warned to stay out the back room. “All kinds of nasty shit happens back there!” Besides the poo water raining from the ceiling that one time, nothing nasty really happens. The bathrooms are a whole ‘nother story…

5. It Is Not Fun

Its not like Clerks. Its not like Office Space. Imagine working somewhere where a good day means you didn’t see someone whipping their cock out, no one chased anyone from the bar into your job waving a pool  cue at someone, smoking pot while looking at magazines, sneaking into a dark corner and fucking, or asking if they can return the dildos. Where a new employee doesn’t start showing up with assless jeans because the manager feels bad for him. Try not to ever work at a porn shop.

Cockage Ringage!

Cock rings are scary. I never even knew these things existed before I worked at the porn shop. The one in the picture is an extreme form of one. It has a damned loop so a leash can be attached. Why? I guess so you can be lead around by your junk. Which is what I call “being in a relationship.” Hi-yo!

Wikipedia describes cock rings as “a cock ring, or cockring, is a ring that is placed around a man's penis, usually at the base, primarily to slow the flow of blood from the erect penile tissue, thus maintaining erection for a much longer period of time.”

Urbandictionary describes it as a “…tool used for males whose penises cannot stay hard long enough to get their girlfriend to have an orgasm.”

They have all kinds of these things! Some are super thick metal. If they get stuck I think you’d need the jaws of life to remove it. I have dropped one on the glass counter and was shocked it didn’t shatter. There are also some that are jelly. Jelly meaning they feel like Wacky Wall Walkers. Who wouldn’t want one of these on their dick?!

One time someone tried one on in front of me. Dead serious. Here is how it all went down. First, I have to describe what this guy looked like. About 5’3”. Furry ass beard. Middle Eastern accent. And smelling of ass and cloves. Got it? Good.

Him: “Can I see the cock ring?”


Me: “Uh-huh.”


Him: “Any smaller?”


Me: “Uh…sure…” (hands over cock ring the size of quarter)


Him: “Thank you.” (quickly whips out penis and slides on cock ring)


Me: “Um…no.”


Him: “Huh?”


Me: “You just bought that!”

He bought it and then I kicked him out the store. He had the nerve to act confused as to why he was getting kicked out. This mind you was after I had only been working there for a few weeks and it wasn’t even 7am yet!

Porn Tales 2

The porn shop always had issues. Besides the random power outage it was stricken with leaks. Oh my god the leaks! Once the ceiling in the backroom where we put tapes and DVD’s together started leaking. Know why? An angry tenant stuffed his toilet full of tissue paper and it flooded sending doo-doo water all over the place.

And then there was the flying Mexican. There was this one leak that kept on going on near the front counter. We would  put a bucket to gather it and it would be nice and brown. I kept on saying, “That shit is gonna cave in one day.” And boy did it ever!

I come back from my lunch break and this is what I hear from a co-worker.

Him: “The ceiling caved in.”


Me: “Really? Damn it. I missed it.”


Him: “Go look.”


Me: “I. Will.”

He had the understatement of the year! I went to the front counter and it was like a grenade went off. I step over the rubble and a female co-worker is sitting behind the counter. I’m staring at the hole and can actually see the light in the bathroom ceiling up there. A customer walks up and says the following to me and my co-worker.

Customer: “A guy fell through that.”


Me: “Whaaaa….?”


Her: “What?!”


Customer: “Yeah. He fell through, got up, and walked out.”


Her: “No.”


Customer: “Yeah. He left.”


Her: “I didn’t see anybody.”


Me: “That’s awesome!”

When my manager showed up we watched the footage that was recorded. Sure enough, a Mexican dude did indeed fall through the ceiling. This guy fell three stories, hit the lube rack, and jumped up and left to call his boss to tell him what happened. On the tape customers scrambled to the back of the store when it caved in and the co-worker was sitting on her fat ass reading magazines.

The ceiling was eventually patched up, we all had a good laugh, and everything was perfectly fine after that.

Until three days later when it started leaking again.

Watersports

People pee on people. Not only do people pee on people but they enjoy it. Some even pay for it! Its called watersports and it scares me. I have asked friends how people get into this kinda stuff. Do you accidentally get pissed on and go “Hey, that’s not bad. Not bad at all…”

Wikipedia describes it was “Those who enjoy urolagnia may enjoy urinating on another person or persons, or being urinated upon. Some participants may drink the urine; this practice is known as urophagia, though uraphagia refers to the consumption of urine regardless of whether the context is sexual. Urolagnia enthusiasts may participate in urolagnia as part of a domination and submission scene, though not all sexual activity involving urine is so.”

Nope.

Urbandictionary describes it as “When subject A urinates in the face of subject B. Not only does it cause a watery, glissening face, but also may spark memories of nostalgia of one of the subjects' childhood memories of swimming in the pool, playing games with dear old decrepid Granny.”

Double nope!

Watersport films used to be illegal to buy or sell in California. Then one day all of a sudden it wasn’t and the porn shop was slammed with piss tapes with such creative titles as Piss Piss & More Piss, Golden Showered, Yellow Snow, Golden Rain, Young Twinks Beg For Piss. The titles became less creative over time.

These films were close to the definition of “If the cover is bad don’t turn it over and look at the back!” I had to learn this rule the hard way on multiple occasions. If a man is smiling on the cover as a stream of urine is coming towards his face its probably a good idea to just scan the video and stare at the ceiling.

West Hollywood Walk of Shame 1

While working in the porn shop many celebrities would come in. Some F List actors and some very well known and popular ones. Some of them I would spot and ring up and go “Did that just happen?” This particular one hadn’t even crossed my mind until he made a recent comment online about someone that had recently passed away and I got upset. So for putting yourself on my radar, this is for you Roger Ebert.

Wikipedia describes swingers as “…a non-monogamous behavior, in which both partners in a committed relationship agree, as a couple, for both partners to engage in sexual activities with other couples as a recreational or social activity.” We sold plenty of swinger magazines. Newspaper printed and stapled shut, though that didn’t stop people from trying to actually read between the staples instead of spending the $2 to buy it.

One morning I was sitting at the counter reading a book (likely David Sedaris) when I hear someone slap a magazine on the counter. I look up and its fucking Roger Ebert, Yes, that Roger Ebert. This was pre-no jaw Ebert and I was kinda startled. Not because of who it was, but because of what he was buying.

A stack of swinger magazines!

My brain went through a range of emotions.

Huh?

No way.

Ew.

Figures.

All I knew about him was that he was married to a big Black woman, hated movies I liked, and was way shorter than I thought he’d be. He didn’t say hello or anything. He just looked away while I rang him up. I mentioned him being there to a co-worker and they were like “He’s been coming in here for years.”

Double ew.

Could you imagine the horror of answering a swing ad and get to the house and Roger fucking Ebert answered the door?

“I give that cock two thumbs down!”